The Family
Episode 1: The Neighborhood Watch
Robert Edwards is in a lawnchair on the frontyard, a shotgun on his lap when his wife Tanya comes outside.
“Robert, what are you doing out here? I told you to go get groceries an hour ago.”
“Can’t right now, honey. After getting our television stolen I realized Holden needs a neighborhood watch program.”
“Don’t you need more than one person for that?”
“Yeah, I got Oscar. He’s next door getting refreshments. Here he is.”
Oscar comes outside carrying a cooler full of beer and sits down next to Robert, “Let’s, uh, catch us some perps, huh?”
“Yeah!”
Robert and Oscar toast each other and drink deeply.
Tanya gets annoyed, “So your idea of a neighborhood watch is the two of you getting hammered and firing shotguns off the front lawn?”
“Not shotguns, we’ve just got the one. And I’m not wasting it on criminals. That’s why Oscar has a starter’s pistol. No, this is to control the goose poop problem we’ve been having.”
“We don’t have a goose poop problem.”
“Not since I bought this shotgun!”
Oscar glances at the gun on Robert’s lap, “Wait a minute, that’s my shotgun!”
“And the neighborhood watch thanks you for loaning it to our program. What’s the matter Oscar, don’t you care about your neighborhood?”
“Not that much, gimme that. You can hold the starter’s pistol.”
“I can’t use this, I need firepower! That’s the reason I named our neighborhood watch program ‘Holden Guns.’ ‘Cause we’re holdin’ guns, get it?”
“Crystal clear, bucko. Ya still ain’t gettin’ my shotgun. And by the way, it’s geese poop, not goose poop.”
“What?”
“You said goose poop, but
there’s more than one goose pooping on your lawn, right? So it’s
geese poop.”
“Yeah but it’s poop from a goose. You step in dog poop, you don’t call it dogs poop.”
“Well it is a dog’s poop.”
“Yeah but see, you’ve got an apostrophe in there. That’s different—”
Tanya interrupts and turns to leave, “If you guys are gonna keep talking about poop, I’m heading back into the air conditioning.”
“Fine, what do you wanna talk about? Computers? Go back inside, nerd.”
Tanya slams the door and Oscar laughs as he takes another swig, “Nice, callin’ your wife a nerd. Oop, here’s one.”
Robert swings the starter’s pistol around on the UPS man who drops the package and puts his hands up, “Don’t squirt me!”
Robert looks hurt, “It’s not a squirt gun. What’s in the box UPS man?”
“I dunno, I think it’s from your grandmother.”
“How do I know it’s not a bomb? What if it’s from the Unabomber?”
“The Unabomber’s in jail, Robert.”
Robert narrows his eyes, “You win this round, UPS man.”
The UPS man sprints back to his truck and peels out. Robert shouts after him, “Very well then, you’re free to go!”
Tanya heads toward the garage with their youngest son Michael, following her and Robert turns, pointing the starter’s pistol at them, “Where are you going?”
Tanya turns around, still irritated, “Put the squirt gun down, I just did my hair. We’re going to get the groceries you were supposed to get an hour ago.”
“K. Get some Oreos. No! Hydrox.”
Tanya pulls out of the driveway and drives off as another car pulls in and the pizza boy steps out.
“That’s me,” Oscar says.
Robert stands and points the starter’s pistol at the pimply teenager, who freaks, slowly sets the pizza down, gets back in his car and peels out.
Robert runs towards the pie, “Sweet! Free pizza!”
The two men sit down and have a slice when Robert snaps his fingers, “T-shirts!”
“What?”
“We get t-shirts with ‘Holden Guns’ typed on the front, so people know we’re with the neighborhood watch and not just freaks with guns in my frontyard.”
Oscar sits there, chewing in silence, then gets up and walks back towards his house, “I’ll start the car.”
~~~
Oscar and Robert wait an hour for the t-shirts to be printed, Oscar talking to Dan Dann the t-shirt man, “So, you make all these t-shirts?”
“Yes, I’m the t-shirt man.”
“Black t-shirts?”
“Yes, all the t-shirts.”
“Red t-shirts?”
“Yes.”
“Yellow t-shirts?”
“Yes, all the t-shirts.”
Robert chimes in, “Do you guys make sweatshirts?”
Dan Dann stares with dead eyes at Robert, piercing into his very soul. Oscar elbows Robert and whispers in his ear, “C’mon, you’re embarrassing me in front of the t-shirt man.”
“Sorry.”
“Alright, you guys are all set.”
Dan hands Robert and Oscar their ‘Holden Guns’ t-shirts, they slip them on, look at each other and perform a leaping midair highfive. They leave the store and are returning to Oscar’s Jimmy when they pass a Dairy Queen and Robert stops, staring at a sign in the store window, “Ooh look, they have a new kind of Blizzard.”
Oscar
checks the time, “We should probably get back to the neighborhood watch.”
“Yeah, but it’s got Skittles
in it.”
Oscar stares at the sign and nods, “Well we’d be fools not to get one, then.”
~~~
An hour later, they pull into Oscar’s driveway to see Tanya and Michael standing outside the house, where the front door’s been kicked off its hinges.
“What happened?”
“We were robbed. Where was the neighborhood watch?”
Oscar points at his chest and replies sheepishly, “We got…t-shirts.”
“Oh good, that’ll make it easier for me to find you and smack you!”
Tanya begins slapping Robert while Michael and Oscar jump up and down laughing.
“Ow! He said it!”
Robert grabs Tanya’s wrists and pulls her close, “I need to know. Did they take the new television?”
“Yes.”
“Jesus! You know who’s behind all this don’t you? It’s those assholes at Best Buy! They got quite a racket going. C’mon Oscar, get the car started.”
“I haven’t shut it off yet. Where are we going?”
“We’re headed to Sears.”
Episode 2: The Prom
Matthew gets home from school, slams his bookbag down on the counter and collapses on the kitchen table. Tanya looks up from chopping broccoli and cuts her thumb, “Ow, fuck!”
She takes her bleeding thumb out of her mouth and kneels next to her oldest son, his face buried in his arms, “What’s wrong Matty?”
“Debbie dumped me on the day of the prom to go with Freddie.”
“The quarterback? Oh, I’m sorry sweetie.”
Matthew wipes a lone tear away when Robert enters the kitchen for another Shasta.
“What, what did I miss? Did the dog die?”
Tanya looks up at her husband, “We’ve never had a dog.”
“Which means you’ve never bought dog food, which means it starved to death, which means you killed it!”
Matthew looks up and sobs, “Debbie dumped me!”
Robert sighs, “Oh, thank God! She was so boring!”
“…on the day of the prom.”
“Oh.”
Robert stands there thinking for a minute, then snaps his fingers, “I’ll get you a hooker!”
Matthew bolts up, beaming. Tanya bolts up too, not beaming.
“Robert!”
Matthew bounds towards his father and hugs him, “I love you, Dad!”
“Matthew!”
“‘Course I’d need to borrow some cash. You got a hundo?”
“Robert! Matthew, listen. You don’t need a date to have fun at the prom. You can always just go stag.”
Robert scoffs, “Stag? How old are you? No, the boy needs a date. We can’t let the quarterback run that school. A hooker will level the playing field.”
“If you so much as even think about buying our seventeen-year-old son a hooker, I’m leaving.”
~~~
Robert
and Matthew are trolling the seediest district in
He rolls down his window and hollers, “Hey hooker! Get over here!”
A scantily-clad woman with a cold sore leans down and smiles at the two boys.
“How ‘bout you jump in this Country Squire and we head over to Bapst Memorial so you can take my little man to the big dance?”
The
hooker looks confused, “Is that some sort of euphemism?”
Now Robert looks confused, “I
don’t know, I just want you to take my son to the
prom.”
The hooker smiles at Matthew, “How old’s the kid? He legal?”
Robert shakes his head, “No, there won’t be any sex, my boy just needs a date…and maybe a blowjob for me if you’re game.”
The hooker shakes her head and spits out her gum, “No blowjobs, just handjobs.”
Robert’s incredulous, “Just handjobs, what’s the point? I oughta slap you in the mouth just for suggesting that!”
“Excuse me? William, get over here.”
“Who’s William?”
“William’s my pimp.”
“Your pimp’s name is William?”
A large Eastern European man swaggers over to the car, leans down and Robert almost swallows his tongue.
“Oh, hello…William. Well, you see, my son Matthew here got dumped today.”
The hooker looks at Matthew, “Aww.”
Robert continues, “…and I was asking your hooker here if she would accompany my boy to the prom so he doesn’t look like a fool in front of his classmates.”
The hooker butts in, “And he wanted a blowjob too.”
William shakes his head, “No blowjobs, handjobs.”
Robert is fuming, “See, that’s ridiculous. How do you expect to make any money in this town without throwin’ blowjobs into the mix? What kinda two-bit operation are you running here, William?”
“It’s handjobs or hit the bricks, Buster Brown.”
“Easy, easy. Look, let’s just forget the sex, get this hooker in my car and get these kids to the prom before they run out of punch. Get in here, you prostitute!”
Suddenly a cop peeks in the window and Robert bites his tongue, “Ow, fuck! What the?”
“You
mind telling me what you’re doing with this prostitute, sir?”
Robert starts to flopsweat profusely, “Listen, officer. It’s not what it
seems. I’m just trying to get a date for my son.”
“Excuse me?”
“No, wait!”
“How old are you son?”
“Seventeen.”
“No! Don’t…tell him
your…actual age. Look officer, I’m not paying her for sex.”
Matthew interrupts, “Yeah, I am. He’s broke.”
The officer looks back at Robert disappointedly. Robert continues, “We’re not paying her for sex. My son just got dumped the night of the prom, he’s very depressed and he needs a date. No sex.”
The officer stares thoughtfully at Matthew and turns back to Robert, “Well, alright. As long as you promise no sex.”
Robert grins, “I promise. Get in here ho-bag!”
The hooker gets in and the boys peel out.
~~~
At three in the morning Tanya’s awoken by a loud banging at the front door. She pulls on a robe and hurries to the front door where she’s greeted by a disheveled Robert and Matthew. They stumble into the house and Tanya turns around on them, “Robert, what the hell?”
Matthew passes out on the couch and Robert drunkenly sits on top of him. Tanya stands in front of them, hands on her hips, “You got a hooker after all didn’t you? After everything I said—”
Robert throws his arms up, aggravated by the noise, “I heard what you said. Believe me. Half of Holden heard you. But Trixxxi had nothing to do with this.”
“Nothing to do with what.”
“Well, first of all, I may be banned from Bapst Memorial. I’m not entirely sure because there was a lot of yelling when they were hauling us into the paddywagon.”
“Paddywagon?!”
“Can I finish? Anyway, we get there and Trixxxi is just the life of the party, obviously. She’s really a sweet girl once you get past the cold sores. Anyway, Matthew’s not gonna have anymore popularity problems, I can guarantee that. He totally outdrank Freddie.”
“Outdrank? It was a high school dance!”
“It was the high school dance, Missy. I’m glad I brought that beer bong.”
“Jesus, Robert. You were supposed to be the chaperone.”
“Are you kidding? I chaper-owned that party!”
“Get off your son.”
Robert passes out mumbling, “Get off…your son.”
Episode 3: The Neighbors
“Oh man, look at all this cool stuff. I can’t believe Wesley left it all on the front yard.”
“Maybe he was gonna have a yard sale?” Oscar proposes.
“Maybe we should have one for him.”
Oscar nods, “It’s what he would want.”
~~~
Robert paints a sign in the garage, reading: “Yard Sale: Buy Wesley Snipes’ Stuff! Own Things Owned By The Guy From Blade, Lethal Weapon and Rush Hour! Oh Boy!”
He leans back and smiles, “Now that’s a sign.”
Tanya steps in the garage, “Bob, are you gonna help Matthew with his homework?”
“No, I’ve gotta sell all of Wesley Snipes’ worldly possessions. Byeee!”
He kisses her on the cheek and heads next door.
~~~
Oscar and Robert are sitting on Wesley’s front lawn for an hour before they get their first customer. An elderly woman hobbles through the belongings before arriving at Oscar and Robert’s table, which is really Robert’s kitchen table.
“How much for the couch, young man?”
Robert immediately fires back, “$12,000.”
“Gracious!”
“That’s more than a couch.
That’s an investment. When the federal marshals finally track Mr. Snipes down
and kill him, his estate could be worth millions.”
“Who is Mr. Snipes?”
“Who is Mr. Snipes? Oh, I dunno, just the greatest black actor white
The old woman walks away confused, confounded and hurt; and Oscar rubs Robert’s shoulders to calm his nerves. Tanya comes out with lemonade for the yard salesmen and is perturbed by the rubdown.
“What are you doing?”
Robert rubs his temples, “I’m stressed. We’re not movin’ any inventory ‘cause you’re out here blabbin’ away. Now shut your fat gob and gimme that iced tea.”
Tanya is unfazed by the insults, “It’s lemonade.”
“I asked for iced tea.”
“You didn’t ask for anything, Edwards. Now drink your lemonade and hurry up and finish your yard sale game so you can come in and help Matthew with his algebra.”
“Yeah, like I know algebra. If I knew algebra, I wouldn’t be out here selling Wesley Snipes’ belongings to put food on your table!”
“Well, if I had a table right now I could put some food on it, but you dragged it out here for godknowswhat.”
Oscar stares at her, like she should know, “For the yard sale.”
Robert nods and motions inside, “Just use the card table.”
Tanya stares at him, “Why didn’t you use the card table?”
Robert knocks on their kitchen table, “This is oak, Tanya. We’re tryin’ to look classy. This isn’t any actor’s furniture we’re sellin’ here. This is Wesley Snipes. The black Gregory Peck. This is the Rolls Royce of celebrity furniture.”
Oscar shoots up, “I wonder if his Rolls Royce is still in the garage.”
Robert gets excited, “Go check!”
Oscar runs to the garage door, peeks in and walks back slowly, shoulders slumped. Tanya goes back inside, disgusted, as the sun sets and just then a large truck pulls up and a paunchy mustachioed gentleman in a top hat and monacle wobbles toward them.
“Greetings good fellows! I’m a wealthy businessman and I just happened to be passing through your pauper-filled tenement slums in search of furniture for my fourth mansion. Is this furniture on your lawn for sale or are you merely homeless?”
Robert is wide-eyed, “No, it’s for sale, Mr.—”
“Businessman. R.H. Businessman.”
Oscar notes, “It was all once owned by Wesley Snipes.”
The businessman nearly drops his monacle, “Fantabulous! I loved Mandingo! I’ll take it!”
Robert and Oscar leap into the air yelling, “Hooray!”
Mr. Businessman packs all the furniture in his truck and throws piles of money into the air. The boys dance about as the truck pulls away, Mr. Businessman tooting his horn and the money rains down around the two stupid idiots.
The new neighbors pull in and the husband gets out of their moving truck, scanning his front lawn, “Martha, where did all our stuff go?”
Oscar and Robert look at each other and begin to quickly scoop up the bills covering the ground. The husband, Mr. Farley, introduces himself and questions the two men, “We just got back from dinner and now everything’s gone. Did you see anyone suspicious come through here?”
Oscar responds nervously, “It’s a very dangerous neighborhood.”
“The
realtor said it was one of the safest in
Robert tries to stifle a laugh, “It isn’t a very tall fence. Good luck!”
They rush inside with armloads of bills before Mr. Farley can ask another question. Oscar looks at one of the bills and gasps.
Robert stops smiling, “What? Is it Monopoly money?”
Oscar shakes his head, “No. It’s scratch tickets.”
Robert shrugs, “Could still be good.”
~~~
Hours later, after scratching all seven thousand tickets, the boys come away with nothing. Robert shakes his head, “How is that even possible? Not even a two dollar winner?”
Oscar glares out the window, “I hate Mr. R.H. Businessman. I bet that wasn’t even his real name!”
“Yeah!”
The doorbell rings and Tanya answers it, escorting two tall men in dark suits and shades into the living room. Tanya smirks as she introduces them to her husband, “Robert, these gentlemen would like to speak with you.”
Oscar whispers out the corner of his mouth, “Men in Black.”
Robert shoots up off the couch, “We didn’t see any aliens! Don’t erase our memories!”
The first agent takes off his shades and holds up identification, “Mr. Edwards. Mr. Ramirez. We’re with the FBI. We were wondering if we could ask you a few questions.”
Oscar whispers again, “They know about the yard sale. Your new neighbor tipped them off.”
Robert gets more nervous, “Listen, we don’t have to turn this into a federal matter. That furniture wasn’t very special anyway. You can get all the same crap at Pier 1 Imports.”
Oscar joins in, “We didn’t even profit off it. We got jilted by a guy with a mustache. Come to think of it now, that might not have even been a real mustache…”
Robert snaps his fingers, “Maybe it was Mr. Farley in disguise, buying his own furniture back, screwing us over and sending us to federal prison.”
Oscar looks confused, “Why would he do that?”
Robert groans, like it’s obvious, “So he can buy all our property and make three times the income!”
“But wouldn’t your wife take ownership of this house? She’s not going to jail.”
Robert
glares out the window at his neighbor’s house, “The creep probably plans to
seduce her and make her his own. He’s probably got wives all over these
“Enough!” The agent interrupts their back and forth. “Nobody’s going to jail and we don’t know who this Mr. Furley guy is.”
“Farley.”
“We’re here because we understand a Mr. Wesley Snipes was recently living next door to you gentlemen. He’s in alittle bit of tax trouble and we were hoping you could shed some insight into his most recent whereabouts.”
“Ohhh, Wesley. Right. How is he?”
“That’s what we’re asking you. We don’t know where he is.”
“Well you guys are the FBI, right? I thought you guys knew where anybody is at any given time. I thought you had cameras in the sky and shit.”
“It’s not that easy, Mr. Edwards. Do you remember the last thing your neighbor said to you?”
Robert
strokes his bare chin, “Let’s see, I remember him saying something…about
“
“Yeah, definitely
The agent nods and motions his partner for the door, “Great. Well, thanks for your time gentlemen. We’ll be in touch.”
Oscar waves, “Bye FBI guys!”
The agents leave and Robert opens up the cellar door, hollering downstairs, “Hey Snipes! The coast is clear!”
Wesley
Snipes runs upstairs and pokes his head out, “They gone? Damn, that was close!
Did you fools really sell my furniture?”
Robert shakes his head, “No
man, we wish. It was the new neighbors’. I guess the repo
man took all your stuff back already.”
“Aw man! Even my lava pool?”
Oscar is impressed, “Whoa, you had a lava pool? Is that exactly what it sounds like?”
Wesley nods, “Yeah, but it’s not as impressive as it sounds. I mean, you see it in the catalog and you’re like ‘Wow, I gots to have volcanic lava in my home.’ But then you get it and it’s like ‘Oh, lava. Huh.’ I mean, you can’t swim in it. Unless you some sorta rock monster.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Oscar nods, not knowing what Wesley Snipes means.
There’s an awkward silence and then Wesley looks at Robert, “Is it dinnertime yet?”
Robert nods, “Yup, just help us pull the kitchen table back inside.”
“What?”
Episode 4: The Tooth
“Ohhhhh!”
Robert groans and holds onto his cheek, when Tanya enters the living room where he’s sprawled out on the floor.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“My tooth!”
“Is this your wisdom teeth again? The dentist told you a year ago to get them pulled.”
“Yeah, but they didn’t start to hurt ‘til now. Kiss my cheek and make it better.”
“I’m not gonna kiss your face, you haven’t even showered yet.”
“I just woke up.”
“It’s three in the afternoon!”
“Well
thank you Mrs. Timex! Some of us work for a living, ya
know!”
“Yeah, I do. I don’t even know
what you do.”
“I work in an office building, in an office with other office employees; something to do with taxes. Will you just call the dentist, woman?”
“Dentists aren’t open on the weekends, noodlebrain. You’re just gonna have to suffer ‘til Monday.”
“Noodlebrain? Good one…noodle…face.”
Tanya walks back into the kitchen and Oscar wanders in from the backyard, “You got a lot of goose shit out there.”
“What
do you know about teeth, Ramirez?”
“I don’t know shit, man. I’ve
had wooden teeth since I was twelve-years-old.”
“Wow, like George Washington! How’d that happen?”
“I lost them in a motorcycle accident.”
“Badass.”
“Yes. I was in a bike store, purchasing a horn when the stockboy, whose ladder I was foolishly standing under, dropped a motorcycle on my face.”
“Ouch.”
“Yes, very much ouch. Now what’s wrong with you?”
“My wisdom teeth are killing me and the dentist is closed ‘til Monday.”
“Oh, you don’t need a dentist for that.”
“I don’t?”
“No! I know a guy. Let’s take a ride into the city.”
“Alright!”
~~~
The
two men cruise the streets of
“You like that? Pulled ‘em myself.”
“Oh,” Robert laughs nervously.
“Now you’re gonna wanna hold onto your Mexican boyfriend’s hand for this one, ‘cause it’s gonna hurt like a mother.”
Robert begins to correct the boat dentist, “Oh, we’re not…”
The boat dentist sets himself behind the wheel and turns back to the boys, “Name’s Steve by the way. Dr. Steve. Now if you homos’ll take a seat, I gotta charter us out into international waters before we can perform this here procedure.”
Robert glances at Oscar and back at Dr. Steve, “Um, we’re on a river.”
Dr.
Steve nods, “I know. If I get us right in the center of the Penobscot, we’ll be
right in between
“Who?”
“The
He steers the boat off the docks for the one minute ride to the center of the Penobscot, glancing back at the boys, “You fellas would know better than most.”
Robert and Oscar exchange looks and Robert shakes his head, “Listen, maybe this wasn’t the best idea. My teeth hurt, but I think I can score some painkillers from my grandmother’s house to hold me over ‘til Monday.”
Dr.
Steve drops the anchor and stands over Robert, “Are you one of them?”
“One of who?”
“The
Robert’s voice starts to tremble, “You think I’m a…dentist?”
Dr. Steve pulls out some sort of crude sharp ancient dental device and holds it at Robert’s neck, “Maybe I do.”
“Well, don’t you think if I was a dentist I’d be able to remove these teeth myself?”
Dr. Steve drops the device to his side, “I guess ya got a point there.”
Oscar is getting impatient, “Listen, just pull his molars out and let’s be done with this.”
Robert waves his hands as Dr. Steve makes another move for him, “No no, no no. Let’s just leave my molars where they are and pull this puppy back into the docks.”
Dr. Steve slumps into a seat on the other side of the boathouse and the boys can tell they’re not going anywhere for awhile. Robert’s cell rings and he answers it as Dr. Steve begins to sob and Oscar goes over to awkwardly console him.
“Hey Matt.”
“Dad, where are you?”
“I’m in international waters, I’ll call you back kid.”
“What?”
Robert hangs up on his son and stands up, “Look, Dr. Steve. I’ve gotta go. I’ve got things to do. I can’t just sit around in a boathouse all day, like I’m MacGyver or something.”
“I just wanted to do a good job,” Dr. Steve sputters, as snot rolls down his upper lip.
“I just wanted to take your wisdom teeth out and make you happy, that’s all.”
Robert and Oscar stand on both sides of him, rubbing his back.
“I know, I’m just…not as strong as you. I’m scared, alright? I admit it, I’m scared.”
Dr. Steve looks up at Robert, his face streaked with tear tracks, holding up a bottle, still sobbing, “Well here, have some liquid courage.”
He takes a swig of whiskey and hands it to Robert. Robert stands there with the bottle glancing between Oscar and Dr. Steve before finally tilting his head back and guzzling nearly half the bottle before coming up for air, coughing. Dr. Steve holds his hand out to take the bottle back, but Robert leans back for another swig. He comes up with maybe a shot or two left at the bottom of the bottle and hands it off to Oscar before staggering over to the makeshift dentist chair and waving his arms at the boat dentist, “Let’s do this thing, Doc.”
Dr. Steve nods, wipes away his tears, takes a belt of whiskey and puts on his dentist’s toolbelt.
Robert grins, half-cocked, “Oh, that’s convenient.”
He keeps smiling until he sees Dr. Steve’s fist coming at him and then everything goes dark.
~~~
Robert
wakes up groggy and trashed on the docks of the
He covers his naked hard nipples. Oscar stops petting him, “I took it off, it was covered in blood.”
Robert reaches into his pants, as he often does, “Why are my briefs on backwards?”
Oscar looks both ways out of the corners of his eyes, “Um, they were covered in blood too.”
“But I’m still wearing them.”
“Not as much blood as the shirt. Hey! Let’s go home, you drive.”
Oscar throws Robert the keys and they stumble back to the Seadog parking lot.
~~~
Robert wobbles into his home topless and drunk with his cheeks puffed out. He lies facedown on the living room floor and Matthew glances down at him from the couch where he’s watching NESN Sportsdesk, “Hey Dad, where’s your shirt?”
Robert groans incoherently, “Buh,” and passes out.
~~~
Hours later, Tanya gets home from work to find her husband unconscious in the middle of the living room floor and her son in the kitchen eating cold Spaghettios straight out of the can.
“Matthew, what are you doing?”
“Eating cold Spaghettios straight out of the can, what are you doing?”
“Why is your father passed out on the floor?”
Matthew shrugs, “Because he went out with Oscar and got trashed? I think he got in a fight too ‘cause his face is all puffy.”
Tanya drops her purse and races into the living room, “Oh Jesus.”
She shakes Robert awake and he grunts angrily, “Whz, wha?”
Tanya finally sees Robert’s face and looks greatly disappointed, “Oh Robert, you didn’t get drunk and let Oscar pull your wisdom teeth did you?”
Robert scoffs, “What do I look like an idiot?”
Tanya picks a cheerio off Robert’s face and he continues, “No, we took a boathouse out into international waters and Dr. Steve pulled ‘em.”
Tanya can hardly think of a response besides, “Dr. Steve?”
Robert nods and picks himself up off the carpet, moving to the couch holding his head.
“Then why are you so drunk?”
“Well you can’t just buy anesthetics over-the-counter, can you?”
Tanya sits down next to her stupid husband, “So I’m assuming ‘Dr. Steve’ is more of a nickname than an actual title.”
Robert nods, “Yeah, it’s like Dr. J. He’s not a doctor in the legal sense of the word but, you know, he carries himself like one.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I dunno, I’m really drunk. And that boat dentist punched me pretty hard.”
“You got in a fight with Dr. Steve?”
“Oop, hold on. Still alittle seasick.”
Robert claps a hand over his mouth and sprints for the bathroom. Oscar comes in from the backyard and sits down on the couch next to Tanya, “Hey Tanny.”
“Hey Oscar.”
The two sit there awkwardly for a few minutes until Oscar breaks the silence, “So, still having regular sex with Robert?”
Tanya scowls at her Mexican next-door neighbor, “I don’t really think that’s an appropriate question.”
Oscar puts his head down, “Sorry, I’m not good at talking to women.”
“No, you’re not. Besides, isn’t that all you guys talk about?”
“Yeah, I already know. I was just tryin’ to make small talk.”
Robert comes back from the bathroom wiping his mouth, “Ohh, that’s so much better.”
“Hey man, I was just comin’ to check on you.”
“Thanks babe, I’m good. Just gotta wait for the swelling to go down.”
Tanya peeks in his mouth, “It looks infected.”
Oscar shakes his head, “Nah, that’s just the healing process. Red is good.”
Tanya stares at Oscar, “What would you know about it? You’ve got wooden teeth.”
Robert holds his hands out, “What, you tell my wife and you don’t tell me?”
Tanya glances at her husband, eyebrow raised, “They’re brown. You couldn’t tell?”
Robert shrugs, “I dunno, I just thought he was a filthy Mexican.”
Episode 5: The Vineyards
“Ughhh!”
“Stop groaning like that!”
Tanya throws a bag in the trunk of the family car and shuts it as Robert stands in the driveway, shoulders slumped, looking like he’s about to be placed on the firing range. Tanya throws Robert the keys which hit him in the chest and fall to the ground as he doesn’t move.
“Oh c’mon, don’t be an asshole. I do crap with you I don’t wanna do. I think you can handle a weekend at the wine vineyards. You owe me.”
“It’s so lame, though. Wine. What if my friends see me?”
Tanya rolls her eyes, “Your friends? You mean Oscar? I think he’s alittle too busy at that porn fantasy camp anyway.”
“Yeah, lucky bastard. I still don’t know why you didn’t let me go to that.”
Tanya scowls, “Yeah, that was a real head-scratcher. Get in the car.”
~~~
Driving down Rte. 1 to the coast, Robert continues to complain, “I’d much rather be at the porn camp right now…”
Tanya stares out the passenger’s side window, “Oscar’s probably gonna come home with syphilis.”
“Well it’s better than coming home with…wine.”
Tanya turns to her husband, “Is it really? Coming home with syphilis is better than coming home with wine? That’s how you feel?”
Robert nods his head vigorously, “Yes! That’s how I feel! Syphilis is better than wine!”
Tanya shakes her head and stares out the passenger’s side window again. After a few moments silence Robert speaks up, this time quieter than before, “I don’t really want syphilis. I was just frustrated. I’m glad I’m going to a wine vineyard with you this weekend, honey. This will be…fun. Much more fun than porno camp.”
After a few more moments silence he speaks up again, “I’m just sayin’ I might’ve been able to bring home a few new moves.”
~~~
Hours later they pull into the parking lot of Heavenly Meadows Inn and Vineyards. Robert reluctantly trudges behind Tanya with luggage in both hands as they enter the hotel to check in. a cheery young woman is at the front desk to greet them, “Hello! And welcome to Heavenly Meadows Inn. Are you here to enjoy the vineyards this weekend?”
Robert slams the luggage down, “No, we just heard your bathrooms are really clean.”
The desk clerk continues smiling obliviously, “They are!”
Tanya signs the guest book and smiles warmly at the young desk clerk, “Forgive my husband. He’s more of a beer guy. We reserved a room. Under Edwards?”
The desk clerk peruses the reservation book, “Ah yes, Mr. and Mrs. Edwards, here we are. Room 47, second floor. The stairs are to your left. Is there anything else I can help you with right now Mr. and Mrs. Edwards?”
Robert picks the luggage up again, “Just point me towards the bar, lady.”
The desk clerk smiles uncomfortably, glancing at Tanya, “Um, I’m sorry sir. There are no bars here at Heavenly Meadows.”
Robert stares at the desk clerk incredulously, “What are you, kidding me? You’ve got booze all over these “Meadows” and you don’t even have one bar?”
“I’m sorry sir.”
“Mini-bars?”
“I’m sorry sir.”
“Not as sorry as I am, Kathy.”
“It’s Tina, actually.”
Robert begins to hand the luggage to Tanya, “Here, you get settled in up there, I’m gonna go make a beer run.”
Tanya stomps her foot, “Robert Robert Edwards, you’re not going anywhere! You promised me we could have a weekend together and that you’d behave yourself.”
Robert’s confused, “Well, I’m not gonna steal the beer.”
“That’s not the point. I want to have a nice peaceful weekend with you. You don’t need to get drunk to have a good time. You get drunk all the time.”
“Do not.”
“Robert, you got drunk when you went to the dentist.”
“Well technically, that guy wasn’t a real dentist.”
“Let’s just go upstairs, put our luggage down and go take a nice relaxing walk to get our mind off things.”
Robert sulks as he picks up the luggage again, “Fine!”
As they walk upstairs, Robert mutters, “This is gonna be a fun weekend.”
“Shut up.”
~~~
After
settling in, Robert and Tanya are walking along the coast, the
“This is beautiful, smell that ocean air.”
“When
are we gonna stomp grapes with our feet?”
Tanya looks out over the
choppy bay as the couple holds hands, “I don’t think they do that here.”
“What? Oh man, this trip is going from bad to worse.”
“Just be quiet and listen to the waves. It’ll calm you down.”
“What about winetasting? When can we start drinkin’?”
“We’ll do that tomorrow. I wanted today to be just you and me.”
Robert smirks, “Gay.”
~~~
The maitre d’ of the Heavenly Meadows Restaurant seats the couple and hands them their menus. Robert opens his up and starts perusing, “It better not be all grape-based cuisine.”
Tanya doesn’t look up from her menu, “I doubt that very much.”
“Do you think they make their own grape Fruit Roll-Ups?”
“No.”
Robert frowns, “Hmm, I don’t see any hotdogs on here…”
Tanya pulls out her cellphone, “I’m gonna call Matthew. See how he’s doing.”
Robert waves his hand, “No no, don’t do that. He’s probably having some rockin’ party right now with a lot of nubile teenage girls. Don’t blow up his spot.”
Tanya stares at Robert as the phone rings and Matthew answers, “Hey Mom.”
“Hey Matty, how’s the house?”
“It’s fine, I’m just working on my essay.”
Robert
picks at the bread basket, staring at his wife, “What’s
he doin’? Partyin’ down?”
Tanya
smiles, looking proud of her son, “He’s writing his essay.”
Robert shakes his head and snatches the cellphone out of his wife’s hand, “Hey! What the hell’s wrong with you? You got the house to yourself for the weekend and you’re doing schoolwork?! God, smoke some weed, masturbate, huff some paint, we got plenty of paint, I’m never gonna use all that paint!”
Tanya grabs the phone back, “Yes honey, that’s fine.”
Robert’s eager to hear what he’s saying, “What’s he doing, huffin’ Windex?”
“He’s finishing his essay. Quiet down, the other tables are staring at you.”
Robert waves the other patrons off, “I don’t care what some lame wine-o’s think of me, gimme that phone.”
“I’m hanging up.”
“Don’t.”
“I hung up.”
Robert slams the table, “Dammit!”
He reaches into his pocket, pulls out his cellphone and speed-dials Matthew, “Yeah, it’s Dad. What’s wrong with you dude? You should be having a kegger right now. Bangin’ chicks with no connies on. Go next door and key into Oscar’s house. I’m sure he’s got some illicit drugs lying around there somewhere. Invite that girl you like, Debbie, over and hook up on our bed. Really good spring action in that bed.”
“Dad, I have to write thirty pages by Monday.”
Robert slaps his forehead and wipes his hand from scalp to chin before responding, “Cripes, you’re killing me here M. Just…at least promise me you’ll do something illegal before I get home. Somebody’s gotta have some fun on this vacation.”
Matthew inaudibly rolls his eyes on the other side, “Yeah, sure Dad.”
Robert repeats it more sternly, “Promise?”
“I promise.”
Robert hangs up and stares at Tanya, “I don’t trust him.”
~~~
The next morning, Robert wakes up groggy after a long night of not drinking. Tanya is already up and getting dressed. Robert stares at her longingly, “No, uh…you know…no cut up?”
“Get dressed, we’ve got a vineyard tour in ten minutes and then tasting at the winery .”
“Finally! Some wine at the wine vineyards! Whodathunkit! How ‘bout alittle HJ?”
“Gross.”
~~~
Outside, Tanya, Robert and a group of six other couples are being led around the grounds as a guide teaches them the history of Heavenly Meadows, “And right here on this very spot, Asa Wilson planted the first grape tree. He stomped the grapes himself to make wine for the soldiers.”
Robert raises his hand, “With his bare feet?”
The guide smiles, “Yes, sir.”
Robert still has his hand raised.
“Yes, sir?”
“Can I stomp some grapes with my bare feet?”
“No, sir.”
“You’re lame.”
“Excuse me, sir?”
Tanya grabs Robert’s arm and pulls him close, “One more word and I swear to God I’ll Lorena Bobbitt your ass.”
“Jeez, language.”
~~~
Further along the tour Robert is in the back of the group with Tanya and a handful of grapes, “Tanny, check it out. Look how I can throw these grapes and catch ‘em in my mouth. Count how many I can catch in a row.”
Tanya half-watches as she tries to listen to the tour guide. Robert tosses up grape after grape and catches them, keeping track out loud until one finally lodges in his throat. He stumbles around for a bit holding onto his neck until one of the other husbands, a big husky guy, notices and gets behind Robert and starts to give him the Heimlich Maneuver. The others finally notice and some of the women shriek as the large man thrusts deeply behind Robert. Finally the wet soggy grape comes rocketing out of his mouth and smacks against the tour guide’s cheek.
Robert shoves the man away, “Hey, easy guy. This ain’t porno camp.”
The tour guide wipes his cheek, glaring at Robert, “If you’ll follow me we’ll head to the winery for alittle tasting.”
Robert high-fives the Heimlich guy, “Alright! Party!”
~~~
Three bottles in, Robert’s cheeks are starting to get rosy and Tanya holds his arm before he tastes another wine, “Dear, you’re supposed to swish it around and spit it back out.”
Robert swallows another glass and sways to the left a bit, “Ha! F that! I’m thirsty!”
The winery manager strolls over to Robert, “Excuse me, Mr. Edwards, I’m afraid I have to cut you off. I don’t believe you fully understand the concept of ‘winetasting.’”
Robert drops the plastic wine glass and shoves a finger in the winery manager’s face, “I don’t think you understand the concept of—”
Tanya claps a hand over her stupid husband’s mouth and drags him by the arm out of the winery, “I’m sorry, Mr. Williams, we’ll be on our way.”
Robert nods drunkenly and mutters, “Yeah, Bill be on our bay.”
~~~
That night, back up in the hotel room, Tanya is undressing angrily and getting into her nightie, “Well, you ruined another romantic getaway, dear.”
Rober has taken his shirt off and is lying on the bed, hand on his forehead, “Oh, just yell at me tomorrow. I’m wine-drunk and believe me, that is the worst kind of drunk.”
Tanya gets under the sheets shaking her head, “Honestly, I don’t know how this weekend could get any worse.”
Just then, there’s a knock at the door. Robert peeks out the corner of his eye but Tanya isn’t moving. Robert sighs audibly, but Tanya doesn’t budge. Another knock and Robert speaks indirectly to the room, “Boy, somebody should really get that.”
Tanya turns to stare at Robert and then turns back to her book. After a third knock, Robert gets up and trudges to the door. He opens it wide and in comes Oscar Ramirez, hat in hand. Tanya groans, gets up and locks herself in the bathroom. Robert high-fives his best friend, “Alright man! What’s up?”
Oscar takes a seat on the bed and starts flipping channels, “I got kicked out of porno camp.”
Robert lies down next to him, “No way dude! That’s awesome! How?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Robert nods solemnly, “I get it, man.”
After a few moments silence, watching television, Tanya yells from the bathroom, “Robert, get our next-door-neighbor out of our hotel room.”
Robert hollers back, “Aw c’mon babe, he got kicked out of porno camp!”
Tanya waits a beat and then yells, “How?”
Robert hollers back, “He doesn’t wanna talk about it!”
Oscar hollers, “Just come back to bed, Tanny.”
~~~
Tanya is shutting her book, tucked in, covers up to her chin, “Night dear.”
Robert turns on his side, “Night hon.”
Oscar is lying in between the couple, hands behind his head, “You guys wanna sing in a round?”
Episode 6: The Assassin
“There he is.”
Robert is hunched over peeking through the curtains in Oscar’s house, with Oscar leaning over behind him, “And you really think this guy’s an assassin?”
Robert nods confidently, “Oh yeah, I saw him moving in yesterday with a long black case.”
“Maybe he’s in a band.”
Robert turns back to Oscar, a look of seriousness on his face, “Yeah. a band of deadly assassins!”
Oscar takes a seat in his ratty old recliner and opens up the latest issue of Disgusting Disturbing Pornography Monthly, “I dunno man, he’s alittle too tubby to be an assassin.”
Robert crouches down even lower, still peeking, “I don’t trust him. Look at the way he weedwacks.”
Oscar turns the pages slowly, “No thanks. I’m too busy with this disturbing pornography.”
Robert plops down on the arm of the recliner, “C’mon, stop hogging it all!”
~~~
That afternoon, Tanya is cooking dinner, Matthew is setting the table and Robert is researching assassins on Wikipedia when there’s a knock at the door. Matthew answers and a portly balding man holds out his hand, “Hello there, I’m your new neighbor Joe Smith. I moved in across the street yesterday. I just wanted to stop by, say hello and drop off this casserole.”
Tanya smiles and takes the casserole, “Aw, isn’t that sweet?”
Robert comes to the door and takes the casserole suspiciously from Tanya, “Yes…so sweet.”
Oscar comes in from the backyard and freezes, whispering loudly at Robert, “Yo! Bob! It’s the assassin!”
Joe
glances around the couple at their neighbor cowering in the living room as
Robert waves him off behind his back, “What did he say?”
“Oh him?
He’s just a crazy Mexican. I honestly can’t understand half the stuff that guy
says. So…Joe. Tell me, what do you do for a living?”
“Oh, I’m in a band.”
Oscar pumps his fist in the living room and shoves Matthew, whispering, “I told him.”
Robert stares at Mr. Smith conspiratorially, “Well you should come over and serenade us some starry evening.”
Joe glances from Robert to Tanya, “Um…sure.”
Robert smiles insincerely with his hand on the door, “Well, thanks for the casserole, Joe. I’m sure it’s delicious.”
He slams the door in Mr. Smith’s face and he heads back across the street as Robert peeks through the blinds.
After Mr. Smith is back behind closed doors, Robert gets up and heads into the kitchen to drop the glass casserole dish in the garbage. Tanya follows him in, “Robert, what the hell are you doing?”
Robert swivels quick on one foot and gets right in Tanya’s face, “The casserole’s poisoned. That man’s a trained killer. An assassin.”
Tanya moves past her husband and starts cooking again, “What are you on about this time?”
“Trust me, I know these things. I mean, his name is Joe Smith. The man’s a stone-cold killer.”
“You’re insane.”
“I’m not insane, I’m insatiable.”
Oscar nods, rubbing Robert’s shoulder, “It’s true. He is.”
Robert turns and pats his neighbor on the belly, “C’mon Oscar, we’ve got an investigation to…investigate.”
~~~
That evening, across the street, Robert and Oscar are dressed all in black with skimasks on. They rip open the sliding screen door and sneak into the dark living room. Joe Smith is snoring in the back room. Robert looks back at Oscar and does a long series of confusing hand signals, after which Oscar just stares at him and shrugs. Robert moves closer and whispers loudly, “I’m sayin’ you check the living room, I’ll check the bedroom. We gotta find out who he’s planning on assassinating.”
Oscar cringes, “Ooh, I hope it’s not me.”
Robert tiptoes down the hallway and slowly pushes the bedroom door open. It creeks slightly and Robert winces as Mr. Smith stops snoring momentarily, but then he sighs as the snoring resumes and he continues into the room. He starts rifling through dresser drawers and comes up with nothing but undershirts and skivvies. He hovers over Mr. Smith’s face and whispers urgently, “Who will you kill?”
Mr. Smith, still asleep, turns his head toward Robert and half-burps/half-exhales, “Breshemesh.”
Robert leans back and gasps, “My God! The President!”
~~~
Back in the living room, Oscar shows him what he’s got in his hand, “All I found were these magic beans.”
Robert squints in the darkness, “I think those are mouse turds.”
Oscar smells his hand and drops the turds, “What did you find?”
Robert moves closer and glances around conspiratorially, “I asked his unconscious subliminal subconscious self.”
“Wow, you can do that?”
“Yup.”
“And what did he say?”
“He’s
going to kill the President of the
“Damn, which one?”
“What? The…current one.”
“Ooh wow, that wouldn’t be very good for American politics.”
“Um…no. C’mon, let’s exfiltrate.”
Oscar looks around, “Right here in his living room?”
Robert’s confused, “What? I mean let’s leave.”
“Oh, and then exfiltrate.”
“Sure, you can exfiltrate your filthy Mexican ass off.”
~~~
The next morning, Oscar is in the Edwards’ living room plotting with Robert about how to stop the Presidential assassin when there’s a knock at the door. Tanya answers it and greets a smiling Joe Smith.
“Hi Mrs. Edwards, I just wanted to stop by and let you guys know that someone may have broken into my home last night. This morning I noticed a hole in my sliding screen door and some sort of feces on my living room floor.”
Tanya puts her hands over her mouth, “Oh no!”
Robert comes up and puts an arm around his wife’s shoulders, “Oh, that’s just horrible Mr.…Smith.”
“Did
anything happen over here?”
“Nope!
Absolutely nothing. Couldn’t be better,” Robert
replies, grinning.
Joe Smith half-smiles, “Oh, well that’s good.”
Robert says, “Have a nice day!” and slams the door in Mr. Smith’s face again.
~~~
Tanya turns on Oscar and Robert, her face turning red, “Tell me you two didn’t break into Mr. Smith’s house last night and poop on his floor.”
Oscar looks at Robert and back at Tanya, “Well we didn’t poop on his floor.”
Tanya walks into the kitchen, shaking her head, “You two are unbelievable.”
Robert points at his wife, “Ya damn straight we are!”
~~~
Over in Oscar’s house later that day, the two begin their plan.
Oscar calls up Mr. Smith, “Hey Joe. I’m, uh, havin’ alittle trouble with my…furnace…in my basement.”
He hangs up and smiles at Robert, “He’ll be right over.”
Robert rubs his palms together, “Excellent.”
Oscar looks around his bare living room, “So…what should we do ‘til he gets here?”
“Just
get your head straight, Ramirez. We’re takin’ this
assassin down before he can kill the President. We’re doing this for
“Who’s the President again?”
Robert shrugs, “I dunno. Some old white guy.”
Mr.
Smith knocks on the door and lets himself in, “Hey there fellas.”
He claps his hands, “Let’s
take care of this darn furnace.”
Robert opens the basement door and holds his hand out, “After you, sir.”
Joe Smith gets to the bottom step and Oscar whips out a baton he snagged off a cop in a police riot, pulls back and konks him on the back of the head.
Robert pats him on the back, “Nice shot, Ramirez! Remind me never to come over and fix your furnace.”
Oscar laughs, “Ha! Joke’s on him, I don’t even have a furnace!”
~~~
When Joe Smith wakes up, he’s tied to a chair in Oscar’s basement with Robert and Oscar standing in front of him, arms crossed, looking tough, “Hello…Joe.”
Robert smiles and rips the duct tape off Mr. Smith’s mouth.
“Ow, fuck! Jesus, who are you people?!”
Robert gets right in Mr. Smith’s face, “We’re your worst nightmare, assassin!”
“What? What are you—”
“We know you plan to kill the President, assassin! My friend here can read minds!” Oscar shouts.
“What?!”
Robert takes Oscar aside and lowers his voice, “No, I never said I can read minds. I spoke to his unconscious subconscious subliminal self. He said it out loud, in his sleep, he didn’t say it with his thoughts.”
Joe Smith struggles against his restraints, “What the fuck are you guys talking about?”
Oscar turns back to Mr. Smith, “The jig is up, assassin!”
“Why
do you guys keep calling me that? I’m not an assassin, I’m a guitarist! I told
you, I’m in a band! Here, reach in my breast pocket. I’ve got four tickets for
all of you to come see me and my band, The Joe Smith Experience, tomorrow night
at the Seadog in
Robert pulls the tickets out and lets out a low sigh. He shows the tix to Oscar and takes him to the corner of the basement where the furnace should be, “I think you might’ve been right from the beginning. Looks like this guy’s in a band. A band with a bad name at that.”
Oscar whispers, “What’re we gonna do with this guy? We’re kidnappers!”
“Shh, don’t say that word, he’ll get ideas. Listen, we bonk him on the head again with your bonking stick, throw him back in his house and hope he forgets.”
“Right.”
They put their hands together and throw them up in the air, yelling, “Break!”
When they turn back around, the chair is empty and the ropes are on the floor. When they turn back to the corner to huddle, Joe Smith is standing there with a smile and a gun in their face, “Start walkin’ boys. Let’s head back upstairs.”
The two men turn to each other and sorrowfully trudge upstairs. When they get to the top of the stairs and back in the living room, they get on their knees and put their hands behind their heads. Oscar begins to weep and sputters, “I love you, Robert!”
Robert doesn’t reply and then they hear something slide across the hardwood floor, hitting Robert in the shoes and then a loud series of thumps as Joe Smith falls back down the stairs. Robert turns around and picks up Oscar’s latest copy of Disgusting Disturbing Pornography Monthly and holds it up to Oscar who’s wiping away the tears, “How serendipitous.”
~~~
That evening Oscar and Robert are in the frontyard enjoying some cold beers and watching the police take Joe Smith away in a paddywagon both men have seen the inside of many a time. They toast each other and Tanya comes out, hugging Robert from behind and kissing him on the cheek, “I can’t believe you were right for once in your life. And with one of the wildest allegations you’ve ever made.”
Robert
shakes his head, “Nah, remember the time I accused Matt of being a hooligan?”
Tanya looks over at her son
chipping golf balls onto Mr. Smith’s yard, “I still don’t understand what that
means.”
Robert takes another sip and glares at his son, “I still think he’s a hooligan.”
Oscar holds his beer can up, “To wild accusations!”
Tanya and Robert holds cans up too, “To wild accusations!”
One
of the cops holds up a can and yells, “To wild accusations!”
The three stare at him until
he drops the can and pulls out his gun, “You’re all under arrest.”
Episode 6: The Women’s Prison
Robert staggers out of his bedroom bleary-eyed and sits down across from his wife at the dining room table. She’s already up and drinking coffee and she looks at her husband, “Matthew didn’t come home last night.”
Robert shoots up out of his chair and it goes flying across the dining room, “Amber Alert! Amber Alert! I declare an Amber Alert!”
Tanya
puts a hand on her forehead, “Robert, it’s too early for your shenanigans. I’m
sure he just went to a party and stayed the night at a friend’s house. He’s
seventeen-years-old, he’s not gonna get kidnapped.”
Robert’s already on the phone
to the authorities, “My name is Robert Edwards and I’m declaring an Amber
Alert! My son Matthew has gone missing and I’m afraid
he’s been kidnapped. I need you to shut down the entire State of
“Yes sir, now how old is your son?”
“Seven-,” Robert replies, muttering “-teen” under his breath.
“We’ll be right over to start the manhunt, Mr. Edwards. Please stay in your home and keep your wits about you.”
“Thank you Amber.”
Robert hangs up the phone and puts a hand on his wife’s shoulder, “It’s alright, dear. We’re gonna get the creep that did this. And if Matthew turns up de-limbed and headless in a ditch somewhere, well…we’ll just have to identify his torso and move on.”
Tanya finishes her coffee, gets up and moves to the kitchen, “Words can’t even describe how I’m feeling right now, Robert Robert Edwards.”
Robert rubs Tanya’s shoulders, “I know dear, but we’re gonna get through this, dammit.”
Tanya turns around and shoves a finger in Robert’s face, “This is another one of your wild overreactions and this one might finally land you in jail.”
Robert stands there as Tanya walks into the living room, trying to dial Matthew’s cell, “You know, they say when a child goes missing, it’s usually not a stranger who’s to blame. It’s usually somebody close to home. Somebody you’d never suspect.”
Tanya stands up, getting increasingly frustrated with her stupid husband, “Are you saying I kidnapped our son?!”
Robert shrugs, “I don’t know what to think right now, dear. I just want answers. I want the truth!”
Tanya sits back down, “You’re an idiot.”
Robert
slumps his shoulders and lowers his voice, “You’re s’posed
to say I can’t handle the truth.”
Tanya looks up at him and then
back down at the paper, “You’re an idiot.”
~~~
An hour later, Robert is on the front lawn with dozens of law enforcement officials, police, and members of the local and national media, holding a press conference.
“Mr. Edwards, when was the last time you saw your son?”
Robert responds with a stern expression on his face and utter seriousness in his voice, “I don’t remember, I was extremely drunk last night. Next question.”
“Mr.
Edwards, do you fear the worst?”
“I always fear the worst, next
question.”
“Mr. Edwards, do you have a
recent photo of your son that we could circulate around the neighborhood to aid
in the search for Young Matthew?”
“I do not own a camera, cameras steal your soul. They are the devil’s work. Next question.”
Just then, Matthew steps up to the podium, confused with the mass of people in front of his house, “What’s up Dad, what’s all this?”
The
press members gasp, “Is that your son, Mr. Edwards?”
Robert’s face goes white, “Oh
my God, son! I never thought I’d see you again!”
He hugs Matthew whose mouth is now closer to the microphone, “Yeah, I never thought I’d see you either after you ditched me at Steve’s house. You were supposed to give me a ride home.”
Robert
whispers in his ear, “I know, but that girl Cindy was trashed. I gave her a
ride home and forgot all about you when I got here. Sorry dude.”
“Cindy, the
head cheerleader?!”
One of the reporters interrupts, “Excuse me Mr. Edwards, I thought you said your son was seven.”
“No, I said seventeen. Amber must’ve misheard me.”
“Who’s
Amber?”
Robert looks confused, “The
girl…with the alert?”
“Dad, what are they talking
about?”
A
police officer steps up to the podium, “Mr. Edwards, do you realize it is a
federal crime to report a false Amber Alert. You could go to prison for
decades.”
Just then Tanya steps out,
relieved to see her son, “There you are, Matty.”
Robert steps back and points at his wife, “It was her! Lock her up!”
Tanya stares at her husband in absolute shock as they shackle her and put her in the back of the paddywagon to be taken off to the women’s prison. The press and police begin to file out and Oscar and Robert hold onto each other’s arms, jumping up and down yelling, “Women’s prison! Women’s prison! Women’s prison!”
~~~
Later that afternoon at the Penobscot County Women’s Penitentiary, Oscar and Robert enter the visiting station with great anticipation. Oscar is skipping down the hallway, clapping his hands, saying, “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!”
They sit down at a table in the corner and watch as a shackled, stone-faced Tanya sits down across from them. Robert’s mouth is gaped open, “Oh…my…God. You look so freakin’ hot.”
Tanya adjusts the shackles on her wrists and stares straight ahead, “Robert, I want a divorce.”
“C’mon Tanny, you say that every week.”
She stands up screaming, “I’m in prison!” and a guard sits her back down again.
Robert scoffs, “Yeah, women’s prison. Don’t be a pussy.”
He glances over at Oscar shaking his head, “Whiner.”
Robert turns back to his wife, “Look, I have priors. You know this. That’s why you had to bite the bullet on this one. You’ve got a clean slate and this is just a slap on the wrist.”
Tanya glares at her idiot husband, “They say I’m facing up to ten years.”
Robert waves her off, “We know good lawyers.”
“We know no lawyers,” Tanya replies, getting increasingly frustrated.
Robert shrugs, “We know Jewish people. What about Mr. Greene across the street?”
“He’s eighty and senile.”
Oscar puts his hand on Tanya’s, “I’ve got a lawyer, don’t worry about it Tanny, I’ve got you.”
Tanya smiles at him before turning back to her husband, “Well thank you, Oscar. At least somebody’s looking out for me.”
Oscar leans in closer, “So tell me, you make out with any sexy felons yet?”
“Ugh…”
Tanya
turns back towards the guard, “How much longer do I have here?”
Oscar elbows Robert, “She’s
ready to get back in there.”
Robert grabs Tanya’s hand and kisses her on the cheek, “You just go back in there and dyke your little heart out. We’ll be back in the AM with Oscar’s lawyer.”
“I hate you.”
Robert turns to leave, whispering to Oscar, “God, one day in jail and she already hates men.”
~~~
Oscar
and Robert are driving into
Oscar laughs, “Oh God no. No, this guy’s homeless.”
Robert stares out the passenger’s side window, helplessly. Oscar points across Robert at a man walking down the sidewalk wearing nine layers of clothing, pushing a shopping cart full of cans, “There he is!”
Robert
nods, “Now where did he go again? Cornell?
They pull over and Oscar leaps out, “William!”
William jerks his neck around wildly, “President Truman?!”
“No, it’s Oscar. And this is my friend, Robert. We need your legal expertise.”
“Well I need some jerky!”
Robert nods conspiratorially, “I believe we can come to some sort of agreement…”
~~~
Outside the Super Wal-Mart parking lot, Homeless William, Attorney at Law, is on his second bag of jerky, nodding as Robert explains the situation, “This is an open-and-shut case. They got the wrong woman. And you can’t get charged for the same crime. We call that double jeopardy.”
Robert’s obviously confused, “So…I have to phrase my innocence plea in the form of a question?”
~~~
The next morning in the visitor’s station, Oscar, Robert and Homeless William are speaking with a disheveled, shackled Tanya Edwards. Robert keeps glancing over at a large person seated at the next table, as Tany tries to comprehend what the homeless lawyer is saying while ignoring the smell, “So, if we lose do they double my sentence?”
Homeless William taps her hands and she pulls away quickly, “We won’t lose dearie.”
Tanya crinkles her nose, “You smell like jerky.”
Robert shakes his head, “That’s not jerky, that’s justice. The sweet, tangy, char-grilled aroma of justice.”
Tanya turns away, “I’m not speaking to you, Edwards.”
Oscar slams his hands down on the Formica table, “Dammit, Tanya I can’t stand this! Just tell me! Did you lick any pussy last night or what?!”
Robert
smacks Oscar upside the head, “Hey! Ramirez! That’s my wife you’re talking to!”
Tanya smiles at her husband
warmly until he turns back to her and asks, “Well? Did you?”
She shakes her head, “Unbelievable.”
Oscar nods, “Yeah, it would be. I wonder how hard it is to sneak a camera into this place.”
Robert finally shoots up out of his seat and approaches the large person at the next table, “You got somethin’ to say to me fella?”
The large butch-looking prisoner gets in Robert’s face, “Excuse me?”
“Well you keep staring at me, guy. I assume you’ve got something to say.”
Before he can even react, the woman pulls out a sharpened allen bolt and stabs Robert twice in the guts. He crumples to the ground, yelling, “Oh my God! Help! That large ugly man just shanked me! Somebody help! I’ve been shanked! Just like in the movies!”
The woman turns around and stabs him four more times screaming, “I’m…not…a…man!” with each stab.
Robert continues screaming and rolling around on the ground, “Oh my gosh, he shanked me again! Why does he keep shanking me?! Ooh, it hurts so much! It feels really bad! Somebody take that shank away from him, he shouldn’t even have that in here!”
Oscar nudges Robert in the ribs with his foot, “C’mon man, get up. Visiting hours are over.”
~~~
Back home, Tanya is putting bandages on Robert’s stab wounds and Oscar and Homeless William are splitting a bag of teriyaki jerky.
Robert cringes and nods his head towards Homeless William, “That was a good idea, Bill, of hiding Tanny under all your filthy coats.”
Tanya shakes her head, “I’ll never be able to shower this stink off.”
Robert smiles down at her, “Well, you wear it well, dear.”
He leans down and kisses her on the forehead before screaming in agony right in her ear. She falls back on her ass and glares up at him, “Jesus!”
She gets up and heads for the kitchen to wet a rag for his wounds, “I just hope I’m not a wanted fugitive now, after escaping with you idiots.”
Homeless William looks hurt, “Hey!”
“And you, William.”
Oscar looks hurt, “Hey!”
“Shut up, Oscar.”
Oscar shakes his head, “I still can’t believe you didn’t have a single sexy pajama pillow fight in there…”
Robert nods, holding his side, “I know! What’s the point of going to women’s prison if you can’t even bite a tit?”
They all laugh and Homeless William looks around grinning, “So! Where am I sleeping?”
Episode 7: The Race
Robert, Oscar, Matthew and Tanya are in the Edwards’ SUV and the three men are chanting, “NASCAR! NASCAR! NASCAR! NASCAR!”
Tanya
is staring at the window longingly as they pass
Robert guffaws, “Ha! Yeah, ‘cause flowers are cool!”
All the men laugh and Tanya stares back out the window at all the pretty colors.
Robert raises one hand, one still on the wheel and announces to the car, “Alright, everybody put in a tenner. Whoever guesses closest to the number of crashes wins $40.”
He smiles at Tanya, “And a night with yours truly.”
Matthew looks nervous, “Dad, what if I win?”
Robert glances in the rearview mirror, “Son, we’re going to a NASCAR race full of men and fuel and flying shrapnel. Can you gay it down for just a coupla hours?”
Oscar
raises his hand, “Can we have a side bet for deaths?”
Robert slams the wheel, “Hell
yeah! Now you’re talking, Ramirez!”
~~~
Robert parks near the back of the gargantuan sprawling parking lot of the New Hampshire Motor Speedway and the four racing fans pile out. Robert, Oscar and Matthew perform a leaping triple-high-five for no reason and Tanya walks ahead of them trying to pretend they didn’t all come together.
The three men all start skipping down the parking lot.
Matthew yells, “I’m gonna buy some funnel cake!”
Oscar yells, “I’m gonna ride the tilt-a-whirl!”
Robert yells, “I’m gonna punch a clown in the nuts!”
Tanya turns and hollers at the three of them, “We’re not going to a circus, you idiots. We’re going to a NASCAR race!”
Robert snaps his fingers, “Oh yeah! Well, that’s cool too. Maybe somebody’ll crash.”
Tanya stares at him, unbelieving, “You already placed bets on that in the car!”
Robert stares back at her, “Who won?”
Tanya throws her arms up, incredulous, “They haven’t raced yet!”
Robert grins, “Oh good, so we didn’t miss anything.”
~~~
Robert and Oscar make their way back to their seats with tall cold beers in each hand. Robert hands one to Tanya and Oscar hands one to Matthew.
Tanya glances over and scowls at Oscar, “He can’t drink!”
Robert smiles and points, “Sure he can! Look at him go!”
Tanya shakes her head and takes a big swig, “This sport is such a waste. We’re fighting wars overseas for oil and we’re wasting half of it right here driving around in circles.”
“Yeah, but it’s cool. Look, there he goes!”
Tanya cranes her neck as the cars make their first lap, “Who?”
“Ricky Ricketts. The best driver in the history of NASCAR, never lost a race.”
Tanya glances at her husband, “Ricky Ricketts from high school?”
“Yeah, he was the man. Remember he killed his girlfriend on prom night on Dead Man’s Corner and John Cougar Mellencamp wrote a song about it?”
“I don’t remember any of that.”
Robert nods, “Yeah, well you were pretty roofied up that night.”
“Excuse me?”
Robert points at the racetrack distractedly, “Look, cars.”
~~~
Fifty laps in and seven BTO songs over the PA system later, Matthew and Oscar are drunkenly arguing about completely different topics.
“You don’t even know about astro-physics!” Matthew yells.
Oscar
shakes his head, “No, it was
Tanya is resting her head on
Robert’s shoulder as he hollers, “C’mon Ricky!” sloshing his fifth beer on his
wife’s knee. “Man, I wanna get out there.”
Oscar nods, “Yeah, tell me about it.”
Robert glances at Oscar, “No, I really wanna get out there.”
Oscar glances at Robert, “Yeah, tell me about it.”
Robert nudges the still-asleep Tanya onto Oscar’s shoulder, gets up and starts to make his way down the steps to the barrier fence blocking the crowd from the track. Oscar laughs as Robert begins to scale the twenty-foot fence, “Look at him. He’s like a monkey.”
Tanya wakes up and sees her idiot husband shimmying up the fence, “He’s like a monkey, alright.”
The crowd begins to cheer as Robert makes it to the top, holding his arms up triumphantly. The crowd then collectively gasps as Robert leans back and plummets to the track, landing on his back luckily while the cars are on the other end of the track. He struggles to his feet and thinks about waiting for the cars to pass as they make the turn until he turns back to see guards scaling the fence behind him.
Tanya stands up alongside a whooping Oscar and a laughing Matthew, “He’s not gonna run now, is he?”
Oscar starts jumping up and down yelling, “Hell yeah he is! Run Robert run!”
Robert begins to run towards the infield as the lead cars pass. He waves at a confused Ricky Ricketts as he passes. The crowd begins to hoot and holler as Robert weaves in and out of cars speeding at over one-hundred mph. Robert leaps onto the inside fence as the guards drop to the track. Robert makes his way onto the infield and disappears among the trailers and hillbillies. The guards, being less stupid than Robert, wait until the cars pass. By that point, Robert is long gone and the crowd keeps cheering.
Oscar starts pumping his fist like an Arsenio fan, “Hell yeah! That’ my best friend!”
A nearby security guard overhears this and reaches past Tanya, pulling Oscar into the aisle, “Please come with me, sir. We have some questions to ask you.”
Oscar backtracks as he’s dragged to the racetrack jail, “No, not the running guy. I was talking about…Jeff Gordon. Jeff Gordon’s my best friend.”
~~~
Robert is hiding under the bed of a local yokel as he hears the guards run past the trailer outside. He gets out from under the bed and the trailer owner, Clete, pats him on the back.
“Hehe, man you’re famous! I saw you on the TV! They even already got a nickname for you.”
Robert smiles at the small portable television on Clete’s kitchen table, “Oh yeah? What is it?”
“Crazy Asshole!”
Robert nods thoughtfully, “It’s got a certain ring to it.”
“So why’d you do it, Crazy Asshole?”
Robert
helps himself to a can of MGD, “Oh, I just wanted to say hi to my friend,
Ricky.”
“Ricky Ricketts? Golly…”
“Listen, Clete, I’m alittle disoriented from the fall. Which way is it to the pit stop place?”
“Same way you came in. Just keep runnin’.”
Robert pats his harborer on the back and snags a banana off the table, “Thanks Clete.”
He runs out the door and Clete runs out after him, yelling, “Keep runnin’, Crazy Asshole! Keep on a-runnin’!”
Robert waves the fruit over his head as he runs away, “Thanks for the banana!”
~~~
Robert makes his way to the fence, quickly consumes the banana and throws the peel over the fence and onto the track as the first group of cars makes the turn.
Ricky Ricketts squints at the track up ahead and mutters to himself, “Is that a banana pee—”
Before he can finish he’s skidding out and facing the wrong way as multiple cars barrel into him and there’s a forty car pileup involving every car in the race. A red flag is waved and the race is stopped as the cars that can still operate make their way into pit row.
Behind the fence, Robert pumps his fist, “Yes! Got him!”
He continues running towards pit row with the security guards closing in on him.
~~~
In a dark room deep under the grandstands, Oscar is tied to a chair dripping wet with jumper cables attached to his nipples and his feet in a cold bucket of water. His head is resting against his chest and a NASCAR official slaps him across the face, hollering, “Who is the Crazy Asshole?”
Oscar spits blood on the NASCAR official’s shoes and hollers back at him, “I’m not giving you anything, fascist!”
The official throws his hands up and turns back toward the two-way mirror that takes up an entire wall of the small room, “We’re not going anywhere here, boss.”
A tall smiling bespectacled older man steps into the room, holding the door open for the official, “That’ll be all, Peters.”
The official leaves and the older man pulls up a chair across from Oscar, still smiling, “We need you to cooperate, Mr. Ramirez.”
Oscar’s head shoots up, “How did you know my name?”
The man smiles and adjusts his glasses, “We have your wallet. We know everything about you. We know that you’re an organ donor and …your name is Oscar Ramirez.”
Oscar screams, the veins popping out in his neck, “You bastards!!!!”
~~~
Robert locates Ricky Ricketts’ pit crew and jumps the fence, wearing an infield fan’s replica Ricketts’ crew jacket. He taps the shoulder of one of the pit crew members, “Crew Chief wants to see you.”
The crew member nods and Robert picks up his lug wrench. Ricky Ricketts pulls up his car and the crew begins running around replacing tires and fueling up. In the whirlwind of action, nobody notices Robert run to the other side of the stock car and jump into the backseat. The jackman lowers the frame and Ricky takes off, returning to the track and regaining the lead.
After a few laps, Robert gets up and taps Ricky on the shoulder. Ricky shrieks and looks behind him, the car nearly swerving into the high wall on turn three until he regains control, “What the got dang?!”
Robert smiles and rests his elbows on the passenger’s seatback, “It’s me, Ricky! Robert! Robert Edwards!”
“Robert what? Robert Edwards? From high school?”
“Yeah!”
“What the hell are you doing in my car?! I’m in the middle of a NEXTEL Cup race, ya dang fool!”
“I know. And you’re doing great!”
“You gotta get outta here, man. I could get in big trouble for this!”
Robert watches the grandstands whip by, “Well, I can’t leave right now. You’re kinda going really fast.”
“Hey, you’re that crazy asshole I almost hit on the track twenty laps ago!”
“That’s what they’re calling me, how’d you know? You got a TV in here somewhere?”
Robert glances around the cabin and reaches up to the front console, hitting random buttons and switches.
Ricky slaps his hand, “Stop touchin’ stuff, ya jackalope!”
“Can I wear your helmet?”
“No, I need it to live.”
“Which button hits the nitrous, like in 2 Fast 2 Furious?”
“We don’t have that. Look, I can’t take another pit stop and let you out or I’m gonna lose—”
“—You never lose!”
“—so you’ve just gotta sit back there and promise not to die or I’ll get in big trouble.”
“I make no promises.”
~~~
The bespectacled man hands Oscar a glass of water and then slaps it to the ground before he can take a sip.
Oscar shrugs, “That’s alright, I wasn’t thirsty.”
“Mr. Ramirez, who is the Crazy Asshole?!”
“You can’t hold me here, you monster!”
“I will hold you here until you give me the information I demand!”
A balding older man steps into the room and stares in shock at the bespectacled man, “Avery, what the hell are you doing in here with this filthy Mexican?!”
Avery takes off his glasses and wipes his brow, stammering, “Um, oh, I don’t—” and with that he’s out the door in a flash.
The
balding man unties Oscar and helps him to his feet, “I’m sorry about that,
sir.”
“Oh, it’s alright.”
“Say, you don’t know who that guy was that ran onto the track, do you?”
“Oh yeah, that’s my next-door-neighbor, Robert.”
The balding man shakes his head, “Man, that guy’s a crazy asshole.”
~~~
Ricky Ricketts is on the final lap, once again slapping Robert’s hands away from the console, “Get outta here, you big buffoon, I’m trying to win a NASCAR race!”
“Just let me hit the turbo button when we’re on the final lap, Ricky.”
“We’re on the final lap and there is no turbo button!”
“Well, that’s gay. Look out, squirrel!”
Ricky swerves from one side of the track to the other, skidding out a bit before regaining control and hearing Robert laughing in the back seat, “Haha, gotcha! Ow, that really hurt my head.”
“You almost killed us, you idiot!”
Ricky’s crew chief finally talks to him over the helmet mic, “Ricky, who the hell are you talking to?”
“My…self.”
“Well, tell your self to shut up, ‘cause you gotta win this race!”
“Yes, sir.”
“Man, you’re boss sounds like a bigger asshole than my boss.”
Ricky glances in the rearview mirror, “That was my Dad.”
Robert winces, “Ooh, awkward. So, are you seeing anybody, Ricky? You must get so many redneck girls. My granddaddy always told me poor pussy’s the best pussy.”
“Your granddaddy told you that? Actually, I got married right out of high school, to Amanda Gosling.”
“Wow! Amanda Gosling? She was so hot. Ya know, I married my high school sweetheart, too.”
Ricky nearly swerves off the track again, “You married Tanya Stevens?! How’d you manage that?”
“Well there’s this stuff called GHB…Look out! Jimmie Johnson’s on your tail!”
Ricky looks behind him, “GH…Jimmie! That little prima donna, hold on Edwards.”
Robert’s head knocks against the back window as Ricky pushes it into another gear and pulls away from the pack as the crowd stands up cheering for the final stretch.
In the back, Robert grunts quietly and breaks the silence, “Ooh, I just farted. You might wanna finish the race soon and get out of this car.”
~~~
Tanya and Matthew are jumping up and down as Ricky Ricketts crosses the finish line. Oscar limps back to his seat with a black eye, a fat lip and blood down the front of his shirt.
“Jesus Oscar, what happened to you?”
“Oh, nothing. Just fell down some stairs…”
Matthew points down at the winner’s circle, “Oh my God, look.”
Robert is hopping up on the top of Ricky Ricketts’ car, popping champagne bottles to the delight of Ricketts’ crew until NASCAR officials tackle him and drag him off the track.
~~~
Outside the New Hampshire Motor Speedway, the officials throw Robert down hard on the sidewalk and he gets up with a groan, “Ohh God, my ribs.”
Oscar,
Tanya and Matthew are waiting for him nearby and Robert stops and stares at
Oscar, “Jesus Oscar, what happened to you?”
Oscar stares deep into
Robert’s eyes, “I never gave you up, brother.”
Robert shakes his head and throws the keys to Tanya, “Whatever. Your driving toots, I’m just gonna curl up in the back.”
Matthew smiles at his father, “Pretty cool race, huh Dad?”
“NASCAR sucks.”