Stargate (1994)
Kurt Russell is the Stargate.
I had one of those things in my basement, but it was set on Present Day so I didn’t use it too much.
Time out, did I just see the name French Stewart flash across my screen oh so suddenly?
French “Squinty-Eyed 3rd Rock from the Sun” Stewart? Is Urkel in this too?
Ew, naked Ancient North Africans.
We are just barreling through time, 8000 BC, 1928, 1994. Jeez, take a breather Stargate.
Isn’t this the one with the spinoff show with MacGyver. I hope MacGyver’s in this puppy. He could make a Stargate out of q-tips and feminine napkins.
A very Jurassic Park-ian musical score.
Oops, they found the Stargate.
Robot fossils, cool.
Man, Spader’s
Suicidal Kurt Russel. Do it, Kurt.
He’s been reactivated? Is he an android? Robo-Russel.
Oh my God, it’s Richard Kind. Now we’ve got a star from 3rd Rock From the Sun and a guy from Mad About You. I’m beginning to think NBC is behind this whole Stargate.
Cool sweater, Richard Kind. From the Bill Cosby collection.
Russel. Spader. Kind. Stargate. Be there.
Boxhead Russel.
Alright Spader, take the goofiness down a notch.
Welcome…to
Oh great, that was our last probe.
He packed a 5th Avenue bar, that’ll help when he’s in Ancient Egypt.
Oh Spader and his wacky sneezing.
I wish Richard Kind was going with them. Spader as comic relief just isn’t gonna cut it.
Finally! French Stewart! I was hoping he’d be an Egyptian Pharoah, but he’s just a soldier.
Kurt Russel’s like, “Hold on, gotta put on my cool shades.”
Kowalski? Since when did they let Polacks in the military.
Jeez, French Stewart’s mean. He literally just dumped Spader’s books.
Stargate,
brought to you by
Cool, Space Yak.
No, Spader! You can’t feed Space Yaks chocolate!
Getting dragged across the desert by a Space Yak, more of Spader’s wacky antics.
Did that Space Yak just fart?
Uh oh, the Space Egyptians spotted ‘em.
Spader can speak Hieroglyphic?
Man, droppin’ to their knees. They must really like Boston Legal.
Space Egyptian servant girl is hot.
Man, Kowalski really is Polish.
Oh yeah, Spader’s gonna F the S outta servant girl.
You idiots, they’re trying to tell you the Alien Egyptians are coming.
Oh, Kowalski.
The black soldier’s name is Brown. Great writing.
This is like when the Star Wars gang are hanging out partying with the Ewoks.
Damn Ancient Egyptians. Why don’t they just learn Anglish like the rest of us, then they’ll ‘similate better with us folk.
Spader refused servant girl’s advances, I always knew he was a bit of a fruit cup.
French Stewart’s a real dickhead. And now he’s gonna get blasted by Alien Egyptians. Aw shucks.
Whoa, that Pyramid’s about to score with that Pyramid Ship. Nice, Pyramid. Nice.
These aliens aren’t that advanced. They’re just bonkin’ people on the head.
“Oh I kid the Alien Egyptians,” Kurt Russell chuckles.
Jeez, freak out Kurt. Just ‘cause a child picks up a gun…
Damn, French got Shanghaied by Alien Space Jackals.
Haha, I like the retarded Space Egyptian, he’s my favorite. I’ll name him Slow Tut.
Space Yaks are like bloodhounds on their planet.
Man, Ra’s a badass.
Those Alien Hawks and Alien Jackals are fuckin’ shit up.
Whoa, it’s a pile of Stargates with an Alien Jackal inside.
That’s a lot of headgear to carry around. He’s the Sun God, he shouldn’t have to walk around in all that crap.
The one bald kid with the ponytails is creepin’ me out.
“C’mon Slow Tut, we gotta go!”
Damn, Ra’s boys are blastin’ the Ewok village. Hope that hot chick didn’t get gat.
Man, Alien Egyptian beds are complicated. It’s like workin’ a Rubix cube just to get in there.
Aw, Space Kitty.
Ra’s got a girl-haircut.
Man, Ra knows how to draw a crowd.
A million light years away and the Space Egyptians learned their descendants’ tradition of firing guns into the air.
Quickly! Onto the Space Yak!
Oh man, Ra’s pissed.
Oh here we go, the Kurt Russell “My Son Died” story. Boohoo, your son died. We all have problems, Kurt.
“Why are you laughing?” “‘Cause I’m Slow Tut.”
Wow, Slow Tut loves it, look at him go.
Why is the chief’s son wearing a haltertop? Is he trying to turn me on?
Gotcha, Alien Hawk.
Another ridiculously gay outfit for Ra. He’s like the Elton John of Space.
Whoa, Kurt Russell, way to shoot the Alien Hawk’s groin off.
Aw, Alien Jackal shot Spader’s Space Wife of three days.
Slow Tut says “Chaaaarge!” Except he’s slow, so he might’ve just said “Caaaaake!”
Slowwwww Tuuuuuuut! Nooooooo! They killed Slow Tut! Oh, now it’s on. I’m goin’ through that Stargate myself and kickin’ Ra’s Prince-lookin’ ass.
Damn American-made bombs. The off switch never works.
Oh jeez, surrounded by Alien Egyptians.
Now it’s
more of an
Ra-boom! Haha, thank you thank you.
Everybody
cheers, the Lost Boys salute Kurt and Spader gets a
kiss. All’s well in Space
“You sure you’re gonna be alright?” Spader looks at his Space Wife and back at Kurt, “Fuck yeah, dude. Look at that chick.”
“Space goodbye, Kurt. I Space salute you.”
We paid a million dollars for those traveling-through-the-Stargate effects, godammit we’re gonna use ‘em twice.
The End. No seriously, they literally wrote The End. Forgot the question mark though. And the dun-dun-dunnn after the question mark. That’s my favorite part.
What I’ll take away most from this film is the sad demise of Slow Tut. I love you Slow Tut, wherever you are. He’s probably up in Space Heaven right now, not understanding things.
Overall: Three out of Four Happy Ethans. Directing –The director of The Day After Tomorrow can do no wrong in my sarcastic opinion. Acting—Like I said before: Spader. Russell. Kind. Stewart. Stargate. Music—They did cop Jurassic Park and Indiana Jones, but hey, if you’re gonna steal musical scores, steal the best. Writing—Dead sons. Not a great/crucial plot point. Not enough Richard Kind or squinty-ass French Stewart.
Slow Tut. RIP.