Spiderman 3 (2007)
“It’s me. Peter Parker. Your friendly neighborhood…you know.” Oh Tobey! You silly little boy!
Spiderman on the cover of local magazines. Wouldn’t he be
like a worldwide phenomenon? A guy that can shoot webs out of
his wrists? That’s kind of a big deal. But nope, he’s just on the cover
of The New York Post. “Oh, there’s Spiderman. Did the Mets win last night?”
Hot smart blonde chick’s gonna give Dunst a run for her
money. I’d still go with Dunst.
People still shoot spitballs? I haven’t seen one of those since sixth grade, coming out of my mouth. Of course, if I saw Tobey Maguire in my classroom I might be inclined to shoot one too.
Ooh, Manhattan Memories, my favorite Broadway musical.
Man, I always seem to get the seat next to the chubby guy at the musicals too. I feel you, Tobey.
“That’s my girlfriend!” Yeah sure buddy, you’re banging Kirsten Dunst. Please.
Uh oh, Dunst singing. Vince Vaughn and his boys were ripping on this scene in a theater in LA one night, according to my sources. ‘Course he’s got a puffy face, so he shouldn’t say much. I dunno, she wasn’t that bad. ‘Course I’m a little biased ‘cause I think she’s the second-most-beautiful girl in the world and I want to have her babies, but ya know.
“Tell it to my father. Raise him from the dead.” Jeez, Franco is still on about that. Wasn’t that from the first Spiderman movie? You’re dad’s dead. Get over it, James. He had a big giant angly face anyways. And he was gay in that Boondock Saints movie, sleepin’ with a Junior Seau-lookin’ motherfucker.
Haha, Franco got Dunst bigger flowers than Tobey.
“You are such a nerd.” You’re absolutely right, Kirsten. I wanna go in there and dump Tobey’s books.
It’s the Dream Goblin! That requires some exposition: Back in the day, when I was watching the first Spidey movie, my roommate Jake was explaining it to me and when he said Green Goblin I thought he said Dream Goblin ‘cause I have the ears of an eighty-five-year-old man. So he’s been the Dream Goblin ever since, which is funnier. You know, he just flies around gobbling people’s dreams. Which is why you need a dream catcher.
Finally, some topless Franco. Thank you Sam Raimi.
Yup, just lyin’ out in the backyard on my spiderweb with my girlfriend Kirsten.
“You know what? I’d like to sing on stage for the rest of my life with you in the first row.” And me in the back row, ha! No seriously Kirst, you weren’t that bad. Don’t listen to Vince Puffyface Vaughn and all those other assholes. But I’m gonna keep jokin’ about it ‘cause it’s funny. Just don’t take it personal.
And Tobey’s officially got the best job in the world. Kissing Kirsten Dunst. Except he has to wear tight batch-shrinking costumes…
Uh oh, here comes Venom.
His moped just made a fart noise. Dunst, up your game. Dating a guy on a scooter? Franco’s got a limo. And nice pecs. Not that I notice that sorta thing.
Uh oh, here comes the Sandman. That better be his daughter. I don’t have time to issue any Amber Alerts today, I got a movie review to write.
Sandman’s got monkey ears.
“You and the truth, sittin’ in prison havin’ three meals a day together.” Sounds good to me. God, punish the prisoners alittle bit, they’re criminals for pete’s sake. I don’t even get three meals a day. ‘Course I don’t get butt-raped either, but that’s a choice I make.
Is that a daughter or a son? Find a less lesbiany haircut for your kid.
“I’ll make you healthy again?” What the fuck’s Sandman talkin’ about? Does his kid have sand mites? Crabs?
“I’m not a bad person, I just had bad luck.” That’s a damn good line, I’m gonna hafta remember that one someday. Thanks Sandman.
I hope they don’t play that “Mr. Sandman” song. That song’s lame. And catchy.
MJ? He’s gonna ask Michael Jordan to marry him? Well, he is single again. And he’s got all that skivvies money. There’s no better money than skivvies money.
Oh good, he’s got his aunt’s blessing to get married. I have to make sure I have my third cousin twice-removed’s blessing before I pop the question..
“He has this beautiful ring. Dazzling. I thought it was the sun.” Man, Tobey’s got a dumb Aunt. My Aunts would never confuse an engagement ring with a large star. Now my cousins, well…
Uh oh! Dream Goblin attack. Spiderman! Quickly, get to an Injun trading post and buy a dreamcatcher!
Tobey’s gettin’ jacked the fuck up.
Annnd he lost Auntie’s ring. You know how many times I’m gonna lose my wedding ring? I’m gonna hafta buy a new one every month. And that’s not even counting the Dream Goblin attacks.
“I’m still here Peter!” Yeah, well duh Franco. I can hear your damn Dream Goblin surfboard roaring away behind me.
Oh no! He’s throwin’ Dream Goblin ninja stars! Ah! They’re ripping my shirt! You bastarddddd!!!!!
And he’s dead. Movie over.
Don’t you die on me, James Franco! You’ve got so many more movies to mumble your way through!
Hey! It’s Jack Bauer’s dad! Now he’s a police captain? Good for him.
So how does this guy become Sandman? Does he fall into a radioactive sand castle?
“Where’d he go?” He went over that fence into the particle physics testing facility, numbnuts.
“There’s a change in the silicon mass.” “It’s probably a bird.” That’s your excuse for everything, Head Scientist.
I have so much more sympathy for beaches now, seeing what they go through on a daily basis.
How convenient, short-term memory loss. “I have a vague memory of being a Dream Goblin…”
“I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to ask you guys to scoot.” Odd term usage by the nurse. Stamos is always sayin’ that on ER. “Scoot back!” This movie needs more Stamos.
God, drag this Sandman scene out longer. We get it, he can reassemble himself.
“The review. They hated it, they hated me.” “Well, they can’t hate you.” No Tobey, I’m pretty sure they can. It is possible to hate, still.
“Don’t give me the horse thing!” If I had a dime for every time I yelled that…
“I look at these words and it’s like my father wrote them.” Whoa, Dunst backstory. TMI, Kirst.
“Go get ‘em, tiger?” Where the hell are you going with this one, Maguire? How is that an appropriate response?
Oh, crane. I thought he said ‘train.’ I was gonna say, they already did that one.
Hot smart chick from class is a model. With very good reaction time. Bitch got skills, as Tim Hardaway might put it. And then he’d say something derogatory about gays.
The smart chick’s dating Topher Grace with frosted hair. Beautiful girls have really bad taste in men in this flick.
So Topher’s Tobey’s photographer rival? Wait, how does Peter Parker take pictures of Spiderman? What the fuck? I think I just blew my own mind.
Haha, the news chief has a loud intercom system. That’s so silly!
“He likes my shirt!”
Parker Posey? She’s cornering the market on superhero flicks. Spiderman, Superman…Power Rangers, maybe?
Token Stan Lee appearance. Wow, that was worth it. He just wanders onto sets. Grampy! Stop making cameos!
I always have to ask my butler if I have any girlfriends.
Damn, MJ’s replacement is fugly.
Haha, Dunst thought the clapping was for her. She feels inadequate with her superhero boyfriend. But c’mon, he’s a fuckin’ superhero! Go get bitten by a radioactive spider if you feel so inadequate.
“Isn’t that the guy from that prison break?” “Yeah, I love that show!”
The day a giant Sandman erupts out of the back of a sand truck is the day I retire from the force. (PS: there are sand trucks?)
“When you’re dropping without a parachute?” Um, what?
Spidey definitely just yelled, “Shazam!”
What the fuck are you thinking Spiderman? Your sweet-ass redhead girlfriend’s right there and you’re letting Jack Bauer Sr.’s daughter kiss you Dunst-style? I guess that would make her Jack Bauer’s sister…I wonder if she can break people’s necks with one hand…
And here comes the Sandman, raining…sand on Spiderman’s parade.
This
is what I imagine
Apparently now Spidey shoots web bullets. I’m not quite sure how effective those would be. Little balled-up clumps of silk?
“Where do all these guys come from?” From the particle physics testing facility, duh.
Haha, Spiderman got sand in his vagina.
Lemme guess, Dunst ain’t showin’ up to that dinner.
Damn, that’s one efficient tabloid. Shots from earlier in the day in the evening edition. I didn’t know tabloids had evening editions.
French Bruce Campbell, nice. “Allo!” Bruce Campbell talking to a ring, good stuff.
Hot lab partner meeting the hotter girlfriend, awkward! Only Tobey Maguire could screw up dating Kirsten Dunst. Dork.
Sandman killed Spiderman’s uncle? Booo. Him and his monkey ears. Shame on you, Sandman.
Here comes the Venom. It’s about time we saw some Evil Spiderman.
“I feel…” …black.
Wait, so now he has two suits? I thought it just turned his one suit black. I didn’t know he had multiples. A superhero with multiple costumes, man he really is a nerd.
C’mon Black Spiderman, get him!
Wow, lame to the max. Sandman’s arch-nemesis? Water. Are you kidding me? So now he’s just Mudman.
Yakov Smirnov, slumlord. What?!
“It is free country, it is not rent-free country.”
Angry Tobey Maguire is not in the least intimidating. It’s like when your twelve-year-old son gets angry at his Wii.
“He killed Uncle Ben.” Dammit! Now who’s gonna make all that rice? Probably the Chinese…
Waitress/singer wanted? What kind of establishment is that?
Apparently Franco is an Expressionist painter. Please.
Wow, oldest butler ever. It’s like having your grandfather run your errands. Step it up a notch, Franco.
She gets kicked off one Broadway musical and now she’s looking for waitress jobs. God damn, The Big Apple is one cruel mother. Fuck you Big Apple, treating my Kirsten like that. Shame on you, Big Apple.
Franco, you bitch. Stealing Kirsten from that nerdy guy.
Oh jeez, time for the token Dafoe cameo. Dammit, he’s dead! Get over it, Franco. He’s got a big giant lumpy head. Enough with him.
Damn you Dream Goblin! Unhand Kirsten! Unhand her you…you Dream Goblin.
“Pee in these?” Did he just hand her flowers and say “Pee in these?” This movie is spiraling out of control. Or maybe I am, I just don’t know anymore.
Haha, Tobey’s crying.
Good decision, Kirsten. Dump that creep. There’s plenty of other small men you can date. How about that Hobbit guy? Or the kid from Transformers? Or me, I could crouch, drop a couple inches. Think about it, Kirst.
I don’t think Franco/Dream Goblin is aware of Black Spiderman. He might have rethought that whole plot of his if he knew.
Hold on now Franco, what’s with the spikes? You’re Dream Goblin, not Wolverine.
Damn, I think I prefer Black Spiderman. Sometimes you just gotta kill a couple guys.
Oh fuck you Topher. Photoshopping Black Spiderman. That’s just racist.
Now Topher’s gonna become a supervillain. C’mon Tobey, stop makin’ enemies so they can stop makin’ sequels. Maybe Kirsten wants to do a real film every now and again.
“Quite a specimen you left me, Parker.” Don’t even need to throw in a comment after that one.
Yeah,
I definitely prefer new Tobey. Black Spiderman did
wonders for him. Now he’s bangin’ out Parker Posey
and struttin’ down the streets of
Okay, now he’s just dancing and rocking his pelvis around on the sidewalk, maybe I spoke too soon.
What? Mudman’s back? So water isn’t his arch-nemesis? Gay.
Uh
oh, so let me get this straight. Black Tobey is
taking hot-ass lab partner to the weird restaurant where Kirsten waits tables
and sings, and ruined Topher is gonna
confront his arch-nemesis and his ex-girlfriend. And Kirsten may confront her
arch-nemesis and her ex-boyfriend there. And Mudman
might show up. And Franco/Dream Goblin probably survived the blast and may be kickin’ around still. This has all the makings of one wacky
night at…The Jazz Room?? Seriously? That’s the name of
your singing waitress bar? Yeah, ‘cause everybody likes jazz…in the 1920’s.
C’mon
Annnd then Black Tobey loses his mind and swings/dances all over the jazz club. How…embarrassing? Can you embarrass yourself in front of a crowd of jazz enthusiasts?
Extreme closeup of Black Tobey’s lips as he whispers, “Now dig on this.” Possibly, no probably, no absolutely the gayest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. To quote Dave Attel, that’s gayer than eight guys fucking nine guys.
And ya lost ‘em both. Great job, Black Tobey.
“You alright, Mary Jane?” “I’m fine.” “Okay.” Great supervising, boss. Way to look after and care for your employees. Top-notch.
And Black Tobey just back-slapped Kirsten and knocked her to the ground. I am officially beginning my lifelong vendetta against Tobey Maguire. I am issuing a fatwa as we speak and I am putting out an all-points bulletin for any small mouse-faced men in the Greater Los Angelean area who answer to the name of Tobey. You just messed with the wrong hombre, Black Tobey. Is it a hate crime if I beat Black Tobey to a bloody pulp? Not only did he knock a girl to the ground (strike one), he knocked my girl to the ground (strike three). Black Tobey, you’re out. Hit the showers Maguire, I’ll be in there to see you in a minute. But not in a gay way, in an angry way…and then in a gay way.
No Topher, no Mudman, and no Dream Goblin in that whole club scene. Just dancing and close-ups of lips. And of all the lips to have close-ups of, Black Tobey’s?
Haha, Topher is humbled and humiliated.
Ew, now he’s just naked White Tobey. No thanks.
And now he’s Black Topher. From one small-statured actor to another. That Venom stuff is a whore.
“I believe in you, Peter.” Well you’re the only one, Auntie. Unless it’s believing that he can fit into a child’s small T.
Black Topher has big lizard teeth. Black Spiderman didn’t have those.
Now Black Topher and Mudman team up. Watch out, White Tobey!
“Every attempt by the police to rescue the hostage has been thwarted by the Sandman.” Never thought you’d have to utter that sentence again, did you Newsman?
Broadway. Odd pronunciation of Broadway by the Newsman.
Why is the local affiliate’s Newslady on the scene British? “Blimey! There’s a Black Spiderman up on the roof, govna!”
Ooh, Franco got jacked up. Gross.
C’mon elderly butler! You didn’t bother to tell this kid his dad fucked up and killed himself? That could’ve saved us a couple unnecessary sequels, dontcha think? Fuckin’ senile help. Can’t trust ‘em for anything except forgetting to take their pills and forgetting to tell their masters to take their pills too.
Spiderman with an American flag backdrop. That’s what we needed on 9-11. I need some apple pie and a Springsteen album to wash this scene down.
“Ooh, my Spidey sense is tingling, if ya know what I’m talkin’ about.” Ha, good one Black Topher. He’s talkin’ about Kirsten’s sweet booty. Get it White Tobey? Get it?
Wow, that was risky, Kirsty. Droppin’ a brick and hopin’ it would hit Black Topher and not White Tobey directly beneath him? Meh, six in one, half a dozen in the other, I guess.
Oh yeah, forgot about Sandman. Falling into a pile of sand should’ve been White Spiderman’s first clue.
Since when did Mudman become so slow and lumbering? God, just cover his eyes and tell him about the rabbits. The guy’s dense as a…well, a pile of mud.
The British newswoman can’t take anymore of this. Poor old git.
And then Dream Goblin saves the day. How to be, Dream Goblin. Go gobble their evil dreams.
Is sand flammable? I’m mythbusting that next time I’m at the beach.
I need another JK Simmons comedy break like I need another punch to the groin. Wait, another? Oh my god, my groin!
Frankly, I think Kirsten can fend for herself. These guys ain’t been doin’ shit for her. She’s dodgin’ bricks, dumptrucks, all that shit.
“Never wound what you can’t kill.” A cockroach told me that once.
Franco with a steel girder to the face. Ouch.
Wait, so loud bells and clangs are Venom’s weakness? What the F were they smokin’ over there at Marvel? Stan Lee was on PCP.
And White Topher is the dumbest man ever. “Peter! What are you doing with that grenade?! Let me run directly towards it!”
“My daughter was dying. I needed money.” What’s his daughter dying of? Poverty? Ha! Nailed it.
“I’ve done terrible things too.” I made Yakov Smirnov’s daughter bake cookies I knew I was never going to finish.
Aw, White Spiderman forgives Mudman. And he blows away into the twilight. Touching. Oh wait, not touching. Laming.
Franco’s
like, “Sweet! No more Spidey sequels for me! Time to do some Apatow comedies and get
blown by every pretty face in
More Dunst singing. She enunciates too much in her sangin’, I think that’s her main problem. We know what the words are baby, just let ‘em flow. You don’t need to spell each one out for us. You’re still my girl Kirsten, sangin’ or no sangin’.
The thing I’ll take away most from this movie is that apparently black is evil, white is good and Stan Lee is racist. (And Kirsten Dunst is hot)
Overall: One out of Four Happy Ethans (the one being Kirsty). Acting – Dunst was Dunst. Tobey was Tobey. Take from that what you will. (Tobey sucks) Directing – Raimi, are you done yet? You’re starting to Peter Jacksonize yourself. Go make a big gorilla movie. Mighty Joe Young 2. Writing – I think I gave enough examples in this review. When’s that WGA strike ending? Music – Superhero flick tunes. Nothin’ special.
Kirsten Booker, er
Dunst, was the only saving grace here folks. The
first movie was alright, not counting Willem My Face Is Too Gargantuan For The Silver Screen Dafoe. The second movie had Octopussy which was meh. And then
there was this one. And they’re discussing a Fourth. Cripes. I think I’m
starting to develop arachnophobia from all these sequels. Let’s let Dunst and Franco go do real films and let Tobey Keebler move into a tree
somewhere and bake cookies. And Good night sweet Kirsten, wherever you are.