Southland Tales (2006)
Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly’s sophomore effort has been
hailed as one of the biggest flops in the history of
It stars The Rock as an action star who loses his memory (at least he doesn’t know who The Rock is now); Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a porn star (I’ll allow it); Stiffler as a cop with a twin (not one Stiffler, but two); Justin Timberlake as an Iraq War veteran (probably gonna sing, dammit); and Mandy Moore as The Rock’s wife (she must be limpin’ around after the honeymoon, he’s like nine feet tall). The only possible saving graces I see are the appearances by Jon Lovitz, John Larroquette, Will Sasso, Amy Poehler and Avon Barksdale.
Worldwide it made alittle over 350,000 against the total budget of seventeen million. Yikes. Sorry studio heads!
Anyways, enough backstory. Let’s rip the asshole off this fucker.
Shaky home video camera work, what is this Cloverfield?
Haha, very funny expression by the fat girl with the squirt gun.
Pretty sweet nuclear explosion in
Our narrator? JT. Alittle too young to be a narrator. Narrator’s gotta be at least fifty in my book.
Haha, he said ‘erected.’
Hey, it’s Donnie Darko’s dad.
Midgets!
Why is everybody wearing see-through plastic smocks? Oh wait I forgot, it’s 2009. That’s gonna be one helluva fashion trend to get used to. Hope you ladies like hairy nipples.
The Rock’s tatted up like a cholo.
Will Sasso, save this film.
“Once you get on the Bang Bus, there’s no getting off.”
Larroquette Alert! That’s like an Amber Alert, but more fun.
This isn’t a terrorist organization, it’s a lesbian book club. And I should know, ‘cause I’m a member of both.
“Hey! Is that a bazooka?”
Poehler and Barksdale. Nice.
And we have Stiffler.
First actually humorous line of the movie. And wouldn’t you know it was Buffy who said it: “Scientists are saying the future’s going to be far more futuristic than originally predicted.”
When is he going to ask us whether we can smell what he’s cooking?
Stiffler: “Well, to be honest, we’re just looking out for the niggers.” Dead silence, followed by The Rock taking off his shades in The Rock-like fashion, “The niggers.” Stiffler: “Yeah, (whispering) they’re everywhere.”
Midget SWAT.
This is pretty much exactly like Idiocracy except less funny. It’s like sometimes they were going for comedy and sometimes they were going for drama. The Moby soundtrack doesn’t help. Very schizophrenic movie so far.
Hey, it’s the Sparkle Motion lady.
Lotta midgets in this movie.
And Lovitz to the rescue!
“His fucking dick was two hundred inches long!” I love Amy Poehler.
SUV’s fucking. Fantastic.
Finally some hot Mandy Moore action.
He’s not a very good rollerblader.
Why does Timberlake keep quoting the Bible?
There’s dragons in the Bible? I might actually have to read that thing someday.
In the upset of the century, The Rock is actually carrying this movie.
I hope there’s not a thunderstorm going on when my wife tells me she’s pregnant. That’s just bad timing.
This whole thing just turned into a Mexican soap opera. In other words, there’s a chance I might start enjoying this puppy.
What the fuck is up with the dwarf lady with the munchkin voice? She’s sayin’ poems and shit…
“And so it begins,” says the man with a giant beard and an even gianter forehead.
The villain’s Asian girlfriend is smokin’ hot.
Whoops, Jap lost a hand. Ah so.
Timberlake’s on them Iraq War drugs.
We interrupt this movie for a short Justin Timberlake music video. Except he’s lip-synching and somebody else is singing. What?
Buffy’s actually pretty freakin’ hot. I never really dug her when she was Buffy. But now? She aight.
Why is this all I’ve seen of Larroquette in about a decade? Was he in prison?
Fuck, there’s still forty-five minutes left? Goodness gracious Richard Kelly, you got a lot to say don’t you?
Oral at gunpoint, Jeez Louise.
Timberlake got rid of the fat chick.
All these names are confusing me.
Buffy’s porn friend is nice.
When did Cheri Oteri get so jacked? Getting kicked off SNL must’ve really corned her hash.
Boo, Lovitz is dead.
Yay, Oteri is dead.
Will Sasso drops by to be in the movie for a little bit.
Is this a movie or a miniseries?
I’m still not sure what’s going on. There seems to be a Mega-Zeppelin involved…
Mandy
Big beard/forehead guy! I like him.
This movie should’ve ended a half hour ago. Although the car bomb videos are cool. Still, I can just watch shit like that on the news.
Big beard/forehead guy again! I can’t get enough of him.
Larroquette is being very under-utilized here.
“I can smell you from down the hall,” he said sexually, in his see-thru plastic smock.
God, dwarf lady with the munchkin voice again.
“We launched monkeys into it.”
“I’m a pimp. And pimps don’t commit suicide” (winks at dwarf lady). The Rock, ya lost me.
And now they’re bringin’ time travel into this convoluted plot. Fuck you, Richard Kelly. I was already confused enough as it is.
“We’re going to take the ATM machine with us to Mexico,” Stiffler says robotronically.
Alright movie, you’ve got fifteen minutes left. Do something with your life.
Wow, Stiffler’s twin’s really his future self. Or his past self. I think we realized that about thirty minutes ago when we saw the second The Rock and they explained it all then.
Hot-ass Asian chick: “What would happen if they shake hands?” The Rock: “The fourth dimension would collapse upon itself…you stupid bitch.” (proceeds to maul her down, then pushes her to the ground). First of all, they’re just makin’ up science as they go along now; second of all, finally somebody mauled down that scandalous Asian chick. She had it comin’. In spades.
I can’t wait til my first LA riot. It’s really gonna be something to write home about. I’m gonna loot my ass off. I should start making a loot list right now.
Two Stifflers. As if one wasn’t enough.
Will Sasso with guns in both hands. I like it.
Richard Kelly loves these synchronized dance routines. If it ain’t Sparkle Motion, it’s Buffy’s porno crew.
Buffy: “It had to be this way.” The Rock: “I know.” Well I don’t. What the fuck are you assholes talking about?
Why
are Mandy Moore and Buffy dancing? Why are the two Stifflers
and the drug dealer and the ice cream truck levitating over
When’s this asshole gonna wrestle somebody?
Why does the Mega-Zeppelin announcer guy keep saying things? “Have a nice apocalypse.” I officially hate him.
So The Rock was Jesus? Not buyin’ it.
So…Richard Kelly…your last line of your sophomore effort is, “Pimps don’t commit suicide.”? Well, guess what? My last line is, “You’re gay.”
Overall: Zero out of Four Happy Ethans. Directing: X. Writing: X. Acting: X. Music: X.
The Rock had to put this movie on his back, but even his broad shoulders couldn’t hoist this beast for 144 minutes. The Moby soundtrack didn’t help. Oi vay, I hate that bald effeminate techno man.
Buffy plays a porn star in this film and she doesn’t even experience single-penetration, let alone double. She didn’t even get topless. Ripoff. She played a porn star, for bonering out loud!
Amy
Poehler and Avon Barksdale died halfway through.
Their marital dispute was the
This
was supposed to be an attack on the military-industrial news-tainment complex. We get it Richard Kelly,
you’re a filthy liberal Obama supporter. Congrats.
Not that I care either way, but I’m pretty sure an elephant could beat a donkey
in a fight.