Dan Shaughnessy Sucks –
Part II of Stupid Old Irishmen Wednesday. That has no ring to it. And yet..
Absent QB Now A Man About Town
A three-time Super Bowl-winning franchise All-Pro Quarterback is popular in the town where he’s won three Super Bowls and is also the franchise All-Pro Quarterback? WHAATTTTTTT?!!
Tom speaks.
…Brazilian now. It’s weird.
Tom says the knee is fine.
You can hear him say all that from between his knees?
He says the staph infection setback was his own fault because he was carrying baby Jack around his hospital room two days after surgery.
And he fucked Bob Ryan raw. How do you think his face exploded?
Tom says there was never a consideration of a second major surgery. He says Coach Bill didn't want him on the sidelines after he was injured.
“Get the Gimp outta here.”
He
says he wants to play another 10 years, until he is 41. Oh, and he says there
were no gunshots fired at his "second" wedding celebration in
Then
that would make it the first event ever held in
"Our security guards didn't even have guns," Tom Brady told Sports Illustrated's Peter King.
“They had swords. It was sweet.”
You'll probably hear Tom say all this again when the Patriots finally unveil him at Gillette Stadium tomorrow,
Casted in marble.
but for now we know these things only because the intrepid King scored an exclusive interview with Tom at practice last week.
A reporter reporting on another reporter.
Bob Ryan’s face just exploded again.
Good for King.
/grits teeth, face turns purple
These days, it's rare when anybody at Gillette grants an interview of substance without cash changing hands.
But luckily this interview had no substance whatsoever.
The scramble for Brady nuggets
Also known as The Supermodel Olympics.
has been particularly challenging since Bernard Pollard
diediediediediediediediedie
plowed into Brady's knee
Oh snap! You just got Shaughnessized, Papi!
And the chase has only been compounded by his courtship and recent marriage to one of the most famous women in the world.
The Queen of
I had a sense that Brady was ready to come out of the bunker Sunday when I saw a photograph of Gisele Bundchen on the cover of the Herald ("as she strolled in Brighton," read the caption).
Danny Boy “saw” that photograph three times that afternoon, and once more the next morning.
Yesterday
the Inside Track reported that Tom and little Jack were spotted getting fitted
for bikes and helmets at International Cycle in
Oh my God! What’s his head size?!?
Yikes. That's my neighborhood.
Dis my corner, Brady! MY NAME IS MY NAME!
Gisele strolling in
Strolling or “strolling?” ‘Cause I’ll clean out my fucking bank account right now..
Tom at our town cyclery?
Perhaps he even spoke with the head cyclerist, Jim Cyclingstein!
How did I miss them?
You were probably too busy masturbating to the Buckner video.
Did I walk right by Gisele when I went to the Stockyard Saturday?
The Stockyard? Did your buddy Bob run out of cow tongue?
Was
she standing in front of me in line at
(That’s where he headed after watching the Buckner video.)
Did
I drive past Tom pedaling little Jack up
Nothing says Memorial Day like barbecued pizza.
Did I not notice the Brady bunch
Infinity lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!
eating breakfast at the next table at IHOP on
Pretty sure the greatest quarterback of our era and one of the sexiest women alive weren’t eating at an IHOP.
You know why? Because rich people are stupid.
There, kept the IHOP sponsorship. Phew!
All this time with no words from Brady, and now it turns out he has been right around the corner, doing all the stuff we do every day.
Except better and sexier.
Wait, what?
Tom was pretty much everywhere you looked Monday and yesterday.
He’s omnipresent. He’s the Omega Man!
ESPN camera guys were setting up for Monday's Syracuse-Cornell NCAA lacrosse championship at Gillette Sunday when they spotted a familiar-looking fellow throwing footballs on the turf down below.
Oh Jesus. Of course he’d be at the fucking Lacrosse Championship.
“Lax rules, bro!”
Tom, I love ya; but you make it harder & harder to cheer for you by the minute..
/erection joke
Tom was wearing a red T-shirt and black sweatpants,
Say! That’s a good look!
throwing effortlessly, looking pain-free.
At least his ass was looking pain-free, since that’s all Dan was staring at.
Wait a minute, that means Shaughnessy was at the College Lacrosse Championship too. I’m surprised a Douche Black Hole didn’t open up in the sky above.
Yesterday morning, the sports network looped the footage and breathlessly announced that Brady was back.
Back…and to the left.
Back…and to the left.
Back…and to the left..
Wendi Nix
(the poor man’s Heidi Watney)
phoned in from Foxborough
“Phoned in.” That’s a good phrase for this column. Let’s go with that..
to report that Brady was expected to be on the field for an organized team activity ("OTA" in the parlance of the self-important NFL).
NFL ME NO NFLS!
WEEI's midday guys said Brady was going to be available to the media yesterday, but team publicist Stacey James told me that Brady would be not be available until tomorrow.
Which was yesterday. So today?
/Bob Ryan’s face re-explodes
There was no media access to the Patriots or Brady, but the club reported that Brady went through practice with his teammates. It was Brady's first formal practice with the fellows since he was injured in September.
Formal? Did Randy Moss wear a tuxedo?
So all we had was King's impending cover story, which was released on the web yesterday afternoon.
Like a stale fart in a sauna.
"I really wanted to let Tom speak," King said. "I usually don't tape interviews,
“Usually I just bang oblong rocks against my keyboard which is actually just a farm-themed Speak ‘N Spell.”
but I taped this one. I just wanted to allow him to talk and let football fans hear him say something."
Good stuff.
The sarcastic douchebaggery is positively palpable.
Tom is back and Tom is healthy and he wants to play another 10 seasons.
And Peter King’s a fuckhead.
"People say, 'What will you do if you don't play football?' " Brady told King. "Why would I even think of doing anything else?
That would hurt my tender, pretty man-brain.
What would I do instead of run out in front of 80,000 people and command 52 guys
He commands the defense as well? Is he the Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, too?
and be around guys I consider brothers and be one of the real gladiators?
Like Russell Crowe, Nitro & Malibu.
Why would I ever want to do anything else? It's so hard to think of anything that would match what I do: Fly to the moon? Jump out of planes? Bungee-jump off cliffs? None of that [expletive] matters to me.
Fuck Buzz Aldrin!
I want to play the game I love, be with my wife and son,
(on the second weekend of each month)
and enjoy life."
Amen, Tom.
Thy will be done.
See
you and Gisele at the Dunkin' Donuts on
I’ll be the rectangular-headed douchebag in a trench coat in the corner booth, grunting.
Dan Shaughnessy
is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
~~~
An epic example of Dan Shaughnessy’s raving
douchebaggery. Being condescendingly dismissive to Peter King (who also
sucks, but still..) and regurgitating somebody else’s
quotes to the point where you forgot who wrote the column. I hope they do run
into each other at the Dunkin’ Donuts on