Dan
Shaughnessy Sucks –
Part II: The Recant.
For Papi, Big Sigh of Relief
For Shaughnessy,
Big Egg on Face.
He was walking
the line.
Musta been a fat line.
Not like Johnny Cash.
Some coke actually might’ve helped
his performance.
David
Ortiz was walking the Mendoza Line.
Ohh, ‘cause
I thought was walking the line like Johnny Cash.
Thanks, Dan.
"I was about to hit
righthanded," he admitted.
Oh David, you’re so silly.
Never trust a lefty.
Batting an even .200, homerless
in 35 games, Big Papi finally found his mojo last night.
It was tucked into one of his fat
rolls, next to a Pez.
In the bottom of the fifth
inning of Red Sox game No. 40,
He just needed thirty-nine games
to warm up. Big deal.
Ortiz turned on a 1-1 pitch
from
Brett Cecil? Did the Sox hit a time
warp and play the 1873 Baltimore Canaries?
and swatted the ball into the camera triangle in center
field. It was pretty much the same spot where Bob Gibson's homer landed in the
seventh game of the 1967 World Series.
Dan Shaughnessy is clinically
unable to not bring up a negative
“Kevin Youkilis’ wife gave birth
to a baby girl last night. This reminds me of the time Bill Buckner raped my
niece.”
Hallelujah. The planets are
aligned. Order has been restored in the baseball universe. David Ortiz finally
has a home run.
Parade! Parade! Parade! Parade!
"I feel like I got my
confidence back," Ortiz said after the game.
Confidence = New brand of
untraceable steroids.
"I feel like a real
hitter, not like the punch and judy hitter I've been the first 40 games . . .
swing like a man."
Apparently, Ortiz has played an
extra game than everyone else. Cheater..
Free at last,
Like a slave past the Mason-Dixon!
Papi rounded the bases (lucky
he didn't need a GPS)
Oh LOL, Dan!
and got a big hug from Kevin Youkilis after crossing the
plate. The men in the Sox dugout initially greeted Ortiz with the traditional
silent treatment, then mobbed him as the crowd called
out for more.
The Fenway legions wanted a
curtain call.
Ortiz obliged.
Sentence
fragment.
It was a moment.
It was an event that occurred.
Where else would this happen?
Other ballparks?
In what other town could your
slugger go homerless for 35 games, drop to .200, then
be summoned from the dugout for a tip of the cap?
Probably a lot
of different places, Dan.
This is why the truly great
ones love playing here.
And why other teams’ fans hate us
so much.
"I would do anything for
these fans," said Big Papi.
Anything?
/strokes chin
intriguingly/mischievously
"The fans have been so
supportive since I've been here. The biggest thing about the whole situation is
the fans."
And his
teammates?
“Fuck those n*ggas!”
"The guys gave me the
silent treatment," he said. "I know [Dustin] Pedroia had a lot to do
with that. I get so much support from everybody here. I never forget about my
teammates."
Except that time when I flew to
"You could see the sheer
joy in the dugout," said Terry Francona.
"His teammates and the way the fans treat him is pretty special."
Several other things happened
on this wacky night at the museum.
AUDIBLE GROAN.
Jason
Varitek hit two homers on the
same date (
Clearly,
The catcher also drew an
intentional walk.
The Sox hit four homers in one
inning before somebody nudged Cito Gaston and
had him pull his starter.
At least Brett Cecil gave it the
‘ol Twenty-Three Skidoo.
Jacoby
Ellsbury qualified for the
Penn Relays, tying a big-league record with 12 catches in center field. Hit
machine Youkilis returned to the lineup and cranked three singles to raise his
average to .404, Ortiz added a Wall double in the eighth. The Sox beat the
division leaders for a second straight night.
But there was only one talking
point at game's end: Big Papi's homer.
And
It was the weight of all
weights - Robbie Robertson squared.
Big Papi’s first nickname was
actually Big Pink.
Ortiz had a piano on his back
and Vince Wilfork on his shoulder.
Well, that explains everything.
Get that shit off you, dummy!
He was feeling about half past
dead even though he had regards from everyone.
How can you not hit homeruns with
everyone giving you regards?!!
The hideousness of the
situation was underlined in the Sox clubhouse late in the afternoon when
Youkilis was surrounded by reporters while standing in front of his locker.
What happened? He whipped it out?
Youkilis was getting ready to
play his first game since May 4. He was coming off the disabled list, batting
.393. And all anyone wanted to know was . . .
"Do you think your
presence in the cleanup spot will help David Ortiz?"
"I don't know if I have
any bearing on what Ortiz does," an agitated Youkilis answered.
Talk about me dammit! I’ll thrust
my skull at you!!
"If everyone stops asking
questions about David Ortiz and leaves him alone, maybe that will help him out.
It would bother me if everyone was talking negative about me every day.
Your face must be really bothered,
then.
David Ortiz wants to get out of
the slump as much as anybody.
"That's it. I'm not
answering any more questions about David Ortiz."
He dumped me and I hate him.
Ortiz did his own talking after
the game.
"It feels good, man,"
he said. "I got that big old monkey off my back . . .
Racist.
It's been hard for me. I wasn't
really worried about the home runs as much as getting my swing back. I was
missing pitches that I normally hit.
Gee whiz, ya think there Davey?
It's crazy how things happen. I
had some good swings and nothing happened. I hit this one good."
I heet dees one
goooooooood.
This is not to suggest that all
of Ortiz's problems are solved.
He’s still Puckett-shaped.
Big Papi went 2 for 5, struck
out twice, and is batting .210. A quarter of the season is already over. We
want to see the old David Ortiz, not the aging
David Ortiz.
Save us, Benjamin Button!
What changed overnight?
His bedsheets.
"My father flew in
yesterday," said Ortiz.
Big Papi Papi?
"It was loose at home
today
Loosey-Goosey,
even?
and we were playing with my son.
Illegal.
My father told me, 'It's not
going to get worse than this. Get out there and have fun. Do what you know how
to do.' "
That's the slump buster right
there. Works every time. You just have to remember
what it is you love about the game.
Smackin’
dingers.
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe
columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.
~~~
And the
Reverse-Shaughnessy is complete. So ends our two-day Cant & Recant
adventure. Tune in next week when Shaughnessy demands a Brad Penny trade
followed by four straight Penny perfect games.