Dan Shaughnessy Sucks –
Today, we give you a Dan Shaughnessy companion piece. In Part I, he derides
the man once known as Big Papi during his power outage. In Part II, he recants
everything. EVERYTHING!
Let’s kill him, shall we?
(Shaughnessy, not Ortiz – at least not until his next drought..)
No. 1 Problem is in No. 3 Spot
..on a list of problems, which
would make it the number three problem.. No. 2 problem is No. 1 problem.
Still bummed about the
stunning, sudden departures of the Bruins and Celtics?
Yes, so thanks for bringing it up
you rectangular sack of douche.
Imagine how David Ortiz feels.
Fat? Tired? Dominican?
No one needed the B's and C's
to keep going more than Big Papi.
Except for maybe the B’s and C’s.
The longer the playoffs ran,
the longer eyes were averted from his pitiful numbers.
No no, I got a pretty good
glimpse. Basketball and hockey? I have no time for baseball!
As long as Zdeno Chara and Paul Pierce
were still grasping for the grail, Papi had a chance to lie in the weeds and crawl
back to his feet.
Lie in the weeds? Has the Fenway
grounds crew been watching too much B’s and C’s too?
Kendrick Perkins's dunks took
our minds off Ortiz's funk.
I dunno, he’s pretty funky..
Hating on Scott Walker was
easier than the cold reality of Papi's OPS.
Why you be hatin’ on Scott,
Shaughnessy?! You’s a mark-ass bitch!
But last night, there was
nowhere to hide.
What about under the bench in the
dugout? Didn’t think of that, did you Dan?
The Bruins and Celtics had
cleaned out their lockers,
Again, thanks for bringing that up
buddy.
and the Red Sox were back home
from the West Coast, and we all returned to Fenway
to find out what in the name of Norm Zauchin is
going on with Ortiz.
Clearly, he’s been spending too
much time with Norm Zauchin. DAMN YOU, NORM ZAUCHIN! DAMN YOU TO
HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!
The Big Fella wasn't talking
before the game.
Now that’s what she said.
Seconds after the clubhouse
opened at
Too late, Papi. You’re already
hot. (wink)
Happily for Ortiz, his name was
on the lineup card.
Twice. Joe Maddon filled it out.
He was back in after his
three-game, clear-your-head benching in Seattle. But it didn't go well. The Sox
beat the Jays, 2-1, but Ortiz went 0 for 3 with two strikeouts, dropping his
average to .203.
Ya blew it, David. Ya blew it.
Approached after the game,
Ortiz was asked if he was going to be all right. "I'll be all right,"
he said. And that was that.
And with that…he was gone!
We hadn't seen Ortiz at home
plate since that fateful Thursday afternoon in Anaheim when he went 0 for 7
against the Angels, leaving 12 men on base and striking out three times.
Also known as “The Anaheim
Abortion.”
That was just a few hours
before the Bruins lost Game 7 at the Garden and the Celtics blew a chance to
dust off the Magic in Game 6 in Orlando. Boston sports's Black Thursday.
Sports’s? Really? C’mon Globe
editors! Your industry is dying!!
Sending Ortiz to the pine in
Seattle was not done lightly by Terry Francona.
The Sox manager loves his veteran players the way you love your children.
I love my children until they
start hitting .200 and go into homer droughts.
If Mike
Timlin stopped by the Sox clubhouse to say hello tonight, Tito would
probably let him pitch the eighth inning. Remember how Francona stuck with Mark Bellhorn and Coco Crisp?
Marky Mark!
Ortiz's epic slump puts
Francona in a bind. The manager will do anything to avoid embarrassing one of
his "guys," but he knows there comes a point where it's dragging down
the entire team.
“Yer bummin’ us out, David. This
clubhouse used to be so mellow.”
It's awkward for everybody.
Especially ‘cause Ortiz hasn’t
been wearing pants throughout the drought.
That's why this week is so
crucial to Ortiz and the Red Sox.
We have reached the critical
mass.
That’s why Ortiz drives to the
batter’s box on a Rascal.
If Ortiz doesn't return to some
semblance of his old self soon, the Sox are going to have to move him out of
the No. 3 spot (and perhaps out of the lineup altogether), which is the last
thing they want to do.
Gee, I wish somebody had come up with this idea two
weeks ago..
"If I said I hadn't
thought about the lineup, that's not true," Francona acknowledged.
"But I think our best lineup is with him hitting third. And I told him,
'If I ever decide to change that, I'll tell you first.'
That’s good. It would be awkward
if Youk & Ortiz were both walking to the batter’s box at the same time..
"It's our responsibility
not to lose patience."
Officially identified as
"the greatest clutch hitter in Red Sox
history," Ortiz has been Mr. Walkoff.
Well, he certainly ain’t Mr. Runoff.
He helped deliver two
championships and made himself the face of the franchise, charming us on every
step of his home run trots. Now we worry that it's over, just the way it was
over for Jim Rice in 1989 when he was only 36
years old.
Stupid time, continuing on. Why
can’t it be 2004 forever?!!
Francona has been in the corner
office at Fenway since December 2003, and he understands the Nation's
propensity to panic.
We’re like the Stan Van Gundy of
cities.
He knows that this is where
everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly - is exaggerated.
And Sergio Leone phones his
lawyer..
"People look at everything
and break everything down," said the manager. "You get all the
adulation when things are going well. And then . . . well, I don't know if you
can have one without the other. He's pretty tired of answering the same
questions."
“Why do you suck?”
“Why do you suck?”
“Why do you suck?”
It didn't get any better last
night. Ortiz is now 1 for his last 17.
He will never rise out of this
spiral! He will not hit a homerun tomorrow night!!
He's hitting .146 since April
30. He's hitting .174 (12 for 69, 14 strikeouts) on the road. He has 27 hits
and 32 strikeouts in 35 games.
That’s less than a strikeout a
game. Not bad..
This is bad. This is
embarrassing. David Ortiz is only 33 years old, but he looks like he is
finished, and if he remains in the No. 3 spot in Sox batting
order, he could take the team down.
He must be stopped. (cocks
revolver)
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe
columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
~~~
I realize
hindsight is 20/20, but it’s just nice to read Shaughnessy when he’s wrong.
Yes, Ortiz is having a terrible season. But it’s always dangerous to write the
“He’s Done” article. ‘Cause odds are he’s gonna have that comeback game the day
after you write it. Timing is
everything.