Dan
Shaughnessy Sucks –
I’ve decided to begin diminishing
the number of Dan Shaughnessy/Bob Ryan Sucks columns here. There’s just too
much suckiness to rip apart. My heart is dying. Dan wrote four G-D’n columns
this weekend. Here’s the worst one..
Enjoying Sights of the Seven
C’s
But, there’s like twelve of ‘em.
Did Derrick
Rose and friends really have a chance last night?
Well seeing as how it was a match
between two teams, I’d say they had a fifty percent chance.
This was, after all, a seventh
and deciding game in
/takes notes
There's Game 7 magic in those
parquet panel floorboards.
I assume you’re referring to the
two Game 7’s last year, since those particular floorboards have only been
around since the beginning of this century at the latest..
If you take it to the limit
against the Celtics,
One more time?
you should be prepared to suffocate in the North End Vault.
Optional names for locations! Brought to you by the Boston Globe.
Beating the Celtics in a Game 7
in the Garden is like beating a Kennedy in a
Now let’s go beat those
Orlpublicans!
After six games of blood and
thunder –
Sounds like me, post-Taco
including seven overtimes, multiple sutures, and 108 lead changes,
the Celtics gored the Bulls in the finale,
LOL!
109-99, in a
game that lacked the drama of most of the series.
"We've done it
before," said captain Paul Pierce. "We were confident coming into our
building in Game 7."
Since 1957, the Celtics are
17-3 at home in seventh games. Bill Russell was
10-0 in Game 7s.
Well, why didn’t he play
then?
Blessed with hearts as large as
Big Baby's head,
‘Cause he’s fat! GET IT?!?!?!?!
these depleted defending champs now advance to the Eastern Conference semifinals. After the Bruins play
Game 2 of their series with Carolina tonight, the Celtics open Round 2 tomorrow
night at home against Superman Dwight Howard and
the Orlando Magic. So even though the Bulls are
done, the bull gang
What? What is this?
is going to be very busy in the big barn on
The North End Vault!
"I'm proud of our
guys," said Doc Rivers. "The Bulls
were phenomenal in this series, but I'm really proud of our entire team. Our
bench hadn't given us much, but they came through tonight."
Amen, Doctor.
Reverend Doctor Astronaut.
Eddie
House torched the Bulls
hitting 5 of 5 floor shots, four of them from 3-point range. Pine brother Jackie Moon Scalabrine
Oh Double-LOL, Dan!
added 8 points and the Celtics got unexpected help from
missing persons Stephon Marbury and Mikki Moore.
Somebody should tell their parents
we found them.
There is no "I" in
ubuntu.
There’s an ‘ubu’, though. Why
won’t that damn dog ever sit?
There was significant pregame
anxiety about the finale because
He was too busy being VERY
UNSPORTSMANLIKE on the bench.
The faux ambiguity regarding
Garnett's status dominated the 36 hours leading to Game 7. It was wacky and
ridiculous.
Like that classic film Semi-Pro, starring Will Ferrell as Brian Scalabrine! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
Based on all statements and
evidence, there was no way Garnett was going to play. Still, we wondered.
Not gonna happen.
Unless..
No matter how many times Danny Ainge and Rivers closed the door on Garnett's
return, the topic resurfaced.
Mixed analogies, brought to you by
the Boston Globe.
Unless it was a door to the ocean..
It was downright Elvis-like.
More Willis
Reed-like. But
whatever.
Just write whatever the heck you
want Dan, you’re gone in another week or two.
Would KG burst out of the
locker room at
…
Well? Would he!?!
No.
Damn!
There was no KG during
warm-ups. There was no KG running out for introductions. When he finally
appeared he was dressed in a beautifully tailored suit.
The finest silks
from the Orient.
Garnett had a front-row seat to
see the Celtics fall behind by 9 early in the second quarter. Scal kickstarted
the comeback with a missile launched from international waters
Somalian pirates!
and the Celtics took the lead for good when House stole a Ben Gordon pass, then drained a trey off a give-and-go
play with Rajon Rondo.
It was actually a give-and-go with
Noah, but who’s counting.
That was it. The Bulls never
got closer than 3 the rest of the way, which made this game an absolute
aberration . . . and a reprieve for Ainge and the rest of us who got heart
palpitations watching the first six games.
Except Danny
Ainge actually had an actual fucking heart attack, but go ahead and lump
yourself in there with him anyway.
Ultimately, it looked like both
squads were somewhat spent.
It ended at
So what did we learn from these
seven games spaced over 15 days?
The NBA Playoffs take way too
fucking long and it’s one of the many reasons people don’t give a shit about
professional basketball anymore?
We learned that the Celtics are
worthy champions.
We learned that Dan Shaughnessy
can eat fucking crow after saying we wouldn’t make it out of the first round.
With Garnett sidelined and Leon
Powe KO'd in Game 1, the 2009 playoffs have the feel of a Quixotic quest, but
that has not deterred the C's.
Although it has
deterred all the Globe writers who cover the C’s.
We all know that the conference
finals are going through LeBrontown this year and the Cavaliers look
unbeatable.
Ya hear that,
UNBEATABLE.
But the Celtics refuse to die.
We learned that the Bulls are
going to be a handful in the next few years. This was a much tougher challenge
than the Celtics got last spring when they were taken to seven games by the
upstart, eighth-seeded
Ya hear that,
MUCH TOUGHER.
We learned that Rajon Rondo is
officially one of the best point guards in the NBA.
Ya hear that,
BIBBY SUCKS.
We also learned that anything
is possible in this world of video review.
I think you mean, “ANYTHING IS
POSSIBLE IN THIS WORLD OF VIDEO REVIEWWWWWWWWIEWWWWWWIEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!”
/KG’s head explodes
Chicago's Ben Gordon canned a
long-range jumper in the first quarter, which was ruled a 2-point shot at the
moment of execution. Amazingly, with
Yeah, there was nothing fishy
about that.
This is somewhat akin to Bud
Selig tomorrow announcing that the
Denkinger, you idiot!
But we digress. The Celtics are
moving on. The Bulls are done and the bull gang is just getting warmed up.
Still not sure what all this bull
gang stuff is about. Is that Juelz Santana’s new group?
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe
columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
~~~
It’s just
to send Joakim Noah home. Christ, I can’t stand that guy.
See
Shaughnessy? You’re not the biggest douche in all the land. Just second-biggest..