Dan
Shaughnessy Sucks –
Shaughnessy: Still Sucks. Still a douche.
Bleh, this better not be some sort
of rape slash fiction Danny cooked up. YOU HAVE FRIENDS WHO CARE ABOUT YOU,
MIKE!
His birthday
present? Me, naked,
coming out of a big cake. Talk about the hot corner!
and he was able to practice playing baseball. Not bad for a
guy who looked like he was 135 years old last time we saw him on a ball field.
And this, coming
from a guy who loves watching labrums.
There were times when he looked
as if he needed a cane. Or a wheelchair. Young
Benjamin Button had more lateral mobility than old Mike
Lowell.
Hiyooooooooo!
The ball seemed to keep finding
his weak spot.
His scrotum.
Rival batters would hit
screamers down the third base line and
It was the worst, most jarring
event of my entire adult life.
I kept thinking about Bo Jackson.
And masturbating
feverishly.
Bo was one of
the most gifted athletes of the 20th century, but it was a hip injury that took
him out of first football, then baseball.
Then
advertising.
We never saw him again.
I killed him. He’s dead. Let’s
move on.
There would be no more baseball
for the 2007 World Series MVP.
Well, at least he finally did
something about that nose..
"I was taking pain
medication just to be able to be on the field," he said.
“And also because it’s really
really fun.”
"I was putting the 8-ball
behind myself because I still wanted to play.
Whoa, now that’s what I
call pain medication!
"In my first [playoff]
at-bat off John Lackey, I lined out to left, so
I thought I was pretty good. But everything was just a click slow. They told me
the medication might slow me down.
Somebody should’ve told that to
Elvis, too.
"I really didn't have it
playing defense. I knew when [Mark] Teixeira hit the ball by me that it was a
ball I should get. I just didn't have the quick first step, which is vital to
play third.
"When my labrum tore,
I knew I was finally a woman..
I guess it rolled up into the
joint. It's not hanging onto anything. The labrum took away a piece of the bone
and every time I ran, my femur pushed it further into the joint.
Well, screw you femur!
When I would swing it was OK,
but when I'd check my swing, it would grind into the bone. That's when I felt
the sharp pain and got the flareups. And I couldn't extend my legs to
run."
Jeez, should
Doctors shaved part of
Is that required or was it just
for aesthetic reasons?
While
Yeah, ‘cause those guys are nerds!
Right, Dan? High-five.
The offseason blueprint called
for the Sox to sign Teixeira, move Kevin Youkilis
to third, and find a team willing to take
That team would then be required
to change its nickname to the Suckers.
Ha! And we all saw how that failed
signing tanked their—oh, wait..
When the Teixeira deal imploded
under the weight of hate and accusations spewn by Scott
Boras and Larry Lucchino,
It’s always healthy to hate the
man who represents half your team.
the Sox were left with
"Absolutely," he
said. "I understand it's a business and it's their choice and they can do
anything they want, but that doesn't change the way you feel."
Whaaaaaaa!
How closely did he follow the
"I really didn't talk to
anyone in the organization. Just Tito.
…
He'd text me every once in a
while to see how I was feeling.
“He kept saying ‘I’ll Be There’
and ‘I Want You Back.’ It was weird..”
I didn't ask him what was going
on because what could he tell me?
Certainly not facts..
He's not going to tell me he
agrees or disagrees.
Because he
agrees.
He's smart enough not to show
his cards."
“And I’m dumb enough to accept
that.”
"There were days when I
was trying to keep the lines of communication open, knowing that he probably
didn't feel like hearing from me," said Francona.
“Because most of
my communicating involves spitting on the ground.”
"I'm really glad I don't
have to be on that part of the game [trades] because we do value relationships
and I know he felt somewhat betrayed. If that's the case, I think you have to
recognize it, deal with it, and move on."
Which is what
everybody is doing.
Except now you made Lowell &
Francona dwell on it again after everybody had moved on. How to be, Danny Boy..
He better be..
(shakes fist ominously)
~~~
Forty-Six percent of this article
was written by Terry Francona & Mike Lowell. I would like to congratulate
these two fine gentlemen on finally being published in the Boston Globe. They
did a great job. The other half sucked though..