Dan
Shaughnessy Sucks –
Feelings Won’t Be Hurt
Finally! This must be the article
where he responds to my weeks of utterly dismantling his character & his
trade! This will surely be a landmark day in the history of ethanbooker.com!
We’ve finally arrived!
Oh.
Really?
Really. He's not a diva. He's not a crybaby.
And this is a man who’s been hit
with D-cells..
He actually does care. He's
just never going to be caught on camera spitting nails or throwing helmets.
What if he’s a contestant on FOX’s
new game show, Spit Nails Or Die?
And yes, there will be times
when he's on the shelf because something hurts.
Drew (RF) – Out (Feelings)
Drew drives Red Sox fans crazy.
Raaarrrrr! J.D. Drew!!!
You never see the fire.
Well how will I know when to call
the fire department?
He's not going to give you the
Full Youkilis after a strikeout.
It’s like the Full Monty, but less
naked & British..
And he totally understands how
fans react when they are watching college basketball on ESPN and see a crawl reading, "Red Sox OF J.D.
Drew arrives at camp with back problems."
They react by saying, “Wait, what
the fuck are we doing watching a regular season college
basketball game?”
Here we go again.
(Cut to J.D. Drew exaggeratedly
shrugging with a wry grin on his face while Terry Francona rolls his eyes and
mutters, “Oh brother!”
Cut to commercial.)
This happened when Drew got to
the Fort last week.
Did you know that they are going
to move to a different location after this Spring?
This angers Bob Ryan! TEACHERS WILL BE HOT DOG VENDORS!!!
He spoke about his herniated
disk,
Even though no
one asked him to. It was really
awkward/arousing..
the one that limited him to 109 games last year (only two
regular-season games after Aug. 17). He said he battled it throughout the
offseason.
I shall battle you on the field of
sport, hernia!
He said it still gets stiff on
him.
Goodness!
This is a family paper,
Shaughnessy.
It was not what Sox fans wanted
to hear.
I’ll say..
And Drew wants you to know that
it was exaggerated.
"It was the talk of the
town, I guess," he said, smiling.
“Yup, my hernia is pretty flippin’
popular..”
"I got a call from our
trainer and he's like, 'Can you do anything?' I was confused. He said something
about MLB.com
and so I jumped on there and read a little bit of it and started laughing.
“I was all like, ‘HA HA HA, this
is humorous,’ it was great.”
"I was just talking about
how I fought it during the offseason and it still stiffens up on me,
Stop that!
and they took that like I came to camp not able to do
anything, with question marks about when I could play again. I told them I can
do everything, I just have residual stiffness from time to time, which is
associated with a herniated disk. But it was completely exaggerated.
"Slow news cycle,"
said general manager Theo Epstein. "He's
fine."
Yeah, there’s really nothing
else going on in the news right now, Theo..
Still, it seems there's always
something with Drew. He has played more than 140 games in only two of his 11
big league seasons. The Red Sox have made their peace with this. It's something
they knew when they brought him on board for five years at $70 million.
Because they’re stupid.
In his two seasons with
Is that what it seems like to you,
Dan, you bastion of sportalistic analysis?
One could argue that Drew is a
drag on the Red Sox offense. He is productive enough to stay in the lineup, but
he doesn't hit a lot of home runs and he misses a month or more every year.
With a lineup suddenly wanting for power (no Manny
Ramírez, and David Ortiz in apparent
decline), Drew would seem to be clogging up the middle.
Drain-O!
Theo rejects this notion.
Reeeeeejected!
"His playing 130 games at
an elite level is more valuable to us than another player playing more games at
an average level," said the GM. "We can put another pretty good
player in there for those other 30 games.
“I mean, c’mon guys. We’ve got Rocco
Baldelli, don’t worry about it!”
"J.D. has certainly had
his injuries, but he worked hard to get back in the lineup at the end of last
year, and when it's mattered most, he's shown up in a big way." (Remember
the grand slam against the Indians in the 2007 ALCS?)
Oh yeah, the one important hit
he’s had in two seasons; I remember that.*
*I know he’s had other hits, I’m
just enjoying being an asshole this morning..
"We're a different team
with him in there. Because of our expansive right field, we really need someone
who is an excellent defender in right. Plus, he gives the middle of our lineup
a guy with a .900 OPS. He gets on base, and that's what we're built around. He
does the things we want as a hitter. We'd rather have a guy who gets on base a
lot and hits 20 homers than a guy who doesn't get on base and hits 30."
What about Pujols? He doesn’t get
on base ‘cause he keeps running around them. Oh, and he does steroids. That always
helps..
Drew knows all about his
reputation.
"The whole thing started
when I was back in
Meh, he was drunk.
but I had severe patella tendinitis and really didn't know
if I'd be effective again to play at all," said Drew. "It took about
a full year to come back, and for three years I fought that, and that's where
that label came up.
Injured Guy.
I can't do anything about that
and I can't do anything about a herniated disk in my back."
You could stop getting hernias, to
start.
And his flat-line approach?
"I'm an introvert, shy
kind of guy, and at college [
A school many introverted, shy
people attend.
that's how we drilled: Don't show the emotion, don't ride the
roller coaster,"
It’s scary.
he said. "I try to keep it on an even keel because we
play 162 games a year.
Ryan: “The Big 162!”
"You get labeled a certain
way, but I am who I am. I read and hear things, but it's just crazy. I think
the guys in this room are the guys you have to play in front of every day, and
as long as I can earn their respect and play the game right, that's my
goal."
Well, that’s all we want out of a
man earning seventy-million dollars. To be respected and play
the game right. Not well, right.
No rage?
Nah, he’s more of an At The
Drive-In fan..
"It might be better for me
to do that from time to time just to get it out, but I wear it on the
inside," he said. "I beat myself up and sit there and think about it
and that's kind of how I do it.
Yeah, that’s healthy.
A guy like Youk gets it out and
it's done. There is that desire to play well and to compete."
Our last memory of Drew is the
image of him trying (and failing) to check his swing on a 1-and-2 pitch from
Tampa rookie David Price with the bases loaded and two out in the eighth inning
of Game 7 of the AL Championship Series. It was the moment that effectively
ended the Red Sox season.
Oh hey, thanks for reminding us
Dan. Fuck you twice.
"[The umpire] said I
swung," recalled Drew. "I was really baffled in that situation. I'm
never really critical of umpires. But in that situation, on a checked swing
that was questionable, I would have liked for it to go the other way.
I would’ve preferred to have not
struck out with the bases loaded and two outs in the eighth inning of Game 7 of
the ALCS.
"I don't know if it was a
cutter or a hard slider
It was a Price Ball!
- I haven't faced the kid
enough - but it wasn't a strike, not even close."
Do-over!
What did he think when he saw
the replay?
“I thought,
‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!’”
"I've never gone back and
looked at it," he said.
Yeah, it’s dumb to analyze
season-ending losses to division rivals in the playoffs in order to see what
you can do better and improve your game and your team for the coming season..
Most of us, of course, would
have watched the replay a million times and maybe petitioned the commissioner
to have the call reversed. But that's just not J.D. Drew.
He’s a coward and a pussy and he
sucks.
Dan
Shaughnessy is a Globe
columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
~~~
Now, of
course, I don’t necessarily agree with all the zingers I threw in up there at
the top. I just can’t understand how someone can attack players like Tom Brady
for dating a supermodel one week and then turn around and defend guys like JD
Drew who are making Tom Brady-money and not performing at the level they should
be.
I like
JD, I think he’s better than most Right Fielders, but with the money he’s
making he can step it up a bit.
This is
just another in a long line of Shaughnessy slurpings. There will be more to
come this season, I assure you.
But for
now, I gotta go finish my stage play for The Full Youkilis, coming to a
community theatre near you!