Dan Shaughnessy Sucks – 2/22/09

Dan Shaughnessy finally makes his inaugural ethanbooker.com debut! He’s made a couple appearances on lowposts, but today marks his first griping on the Red Sox of 2009. Oh Freaking Boy.

Let us destroy him together now, shall we?

(Shaughnessy’s interminable sufferings in bold, my sassy comebacks in plain.)

Around This Time Of Year, Great Stories Spring To Mind

Unfortunately, I’m Dan Shaughnessy and I don’t have any; so I’m just gonna write about Spring Training.

FLORIDA - The other sports don't have anything like it.

Yup, curling sure does have it all..

Football? Sure, you can drive down Route 1, sit in the sweltering sun, and watch two-a-days in July at Gillette.

But fuck that!

If you're a hockey krishna, you've probably made the trip to Wilmington to view the early skates at rusty Ristuccia.

Ya perv.

And plenty of us remember Celtics rookies running up and down the court at Marshfield High School back in the day. I'm pretty sure Ming Dynasty on Route 139 opened just to accommodate Red Auerbach.

Because Red Auerbach ate Chinese people.

But baseball is the clear winner when it comes to preseason ambiance and expectation.

And flowery Globe articles written by ginger-haired human muppets.

School vacation ends today.

Ha, loser kids..

Wait, isn’t it like February or something?

How many of you went to Florida to watch the Red Sox? How many of you wish you went? How many watched live workouts on NESN?

Well, you’re assholes ‘cause I got to go and shake Brad Wilkerson’s hand! Smell it! Smell the Wilkerson!!!

This is my 30th spring training. It never gets old.

My writing about it does though.

All the clichés are true.

Which is why I shall include all of them in this article.

Pitchers and catchers. The crack of the bat. The smell of the grass and suntan oil.

Yup, that’s a good start.

Spring training is where Roger Angell saw the longest home run of his life - a majestic blast off the bat of Dave Kingman in Fort Lauderdale in 1975. Hall of Famer Catfish Hunter threw the pitch. Kingman's blast sailed over a light tower ("three palm trees high" wrote Angell) and bounded onto a practice field beyond the left-field wall. Yankees manager Bill Virdon decided it was a six-bagger - a home run at Fort Lauderdale Stadium and a double on the adjacent diamond.

Oh, Virdon! You old rascal!

Spring training is where I saw a Montreal left fielder crash into a fence in Winter Haven chasing a fly ball. Back in 1976. The kid was out cold for a spell. Fans applauded when he finally got to his feet. He wound up spending most of his career behind the plate.

And that man…was Donald Pleasance.

Gary Carter. Hall of Famer.

Oh.

It's where Bill Lee told baseball writers of the Sox' acquisition of Dennis Eckersley in a six-player blockbuster in 1978, screaming, "Send lawyers, guns, and money, the [expletive] has hit the fan!" Eck wound up in Cooperstown.

Bill Lee was like Hunter S. Thompson with more sliders/drugs.

Spring training is where Eddie Murray caught live batting practice at Bobby Maduro Stadium in Miami in 1978. Murray had been the American League Rookie of the Year in 1977 as a designated hitter, but Earl Weaver's goal was to have 40-home run potential at every position. So Earl ordered Murray to go behind the plate in spring training. Eddie hated it. He wound up at first base. And in the Hall of Fame.

The chili dog-eating Hall of Fame. Shoulda been more specific..

Spring training is where a 5-foot-8-inch Orioles catcher named Dave Criscione caught three foul pops in a single inning against the Braves in West Palm Beach in 1978. Anybody ever see that, at any level?

Yeah, probably..

Criscione played only seven big league games. Not a Hall of Famer.

Not a Jew.

Spring training is where Ted Williams and Carl Yastrzemski played a steel-cage tennis match at the Winter Haven Ramada Inn in 1979.

Come to the Winter Haven Ramada Inn & play tennis in a steel cage!

Spring training is where an Orioles rookie named Cal Ripken Jr. practiced baserunning drills on a small (infield only) diamond in Miami in 1981. The workout involved Weaver's favorite play - a steal of home with runners on first and third with two out, and two strikes on the batter. Against a lefthanded pitcher. The play called for the runner on first to break for second, or fall down, whatever it took to get the attention of the hurler. At that moment, the runner on third would break for home. In 1982, Ripken put the play to use, stealing home against Jon Matlack for his first stolen base in the big leagues.

And he played in a lot of games, too! Yaaarrrgghhhh! Iron Mannnnn!!

Spring training is where I saw the longest home run of my life.

But was it as long as the longest home run of Roger Angell’s life? Was it? WAS IT?!

Bo Jackson vs. Oil Can Boyd.

A professional athlete at the pinnacle of his career against an elderly man with bones made of hard toffee.

In Davenport, Fla., in 1989, near the intersections of I-4 and US 27. Boyd and Jackson talked about it before the game. Can promised to challenge Bo. Jackson responded with a blast that sailed over a 71-foot-high scoreboard in left-center and landed in a cow pasture some 515 feet from home plate.

And that cow pasture was owned by Gary Carter. Hall of Famer.

Spring training is where Twins owner Calvin Griffith stood on the balcony of his Orlando condo and stared blankly into a sky filled with wreckage from the Challenger spacecraft in 1986.

Kirby Puckett stood next to him, squinting, saying, “What’s everybody lookin’ at?”

It's where Lou Gorman said, "The sun will rise, the sun will set, and I'll have lunch," after Roger Clemens stormed out of camp in Winter Haven in 1987.

Roid Rage.

It's where the local newspaper published the titles of overdue videos (all pornos) rented by Boyd.

Now that’s what I call an Oil Can!

The Maniacal Chuck Waseleski dubbed it "the Can's Film Festival."

That’s the most maniacal thing I’ve ever heard! Raahhh!! Somebody lock that man up before he aggravatedly assaults all our funny bones!

Spring training is where Michael Dukakis took batting practice off Bill Fischer in Winter Haven in 1988 and where Bill Clinton spoke with Wade Boggs outside the visitor's dugout in Kissimmee in 1992.

And one of those guys was a President! Of the United States!

It's where Boggs announced, "I'm the white Irving Fryar," after tumbling out of the family jeep when his wife wheeled out of Christy's Restaurant in Winter Haven in 1992.

Whoa wait, Wade Boggs was white?

It's where the Red Sox and Tigers battled for the coveted Polk County Championship when the Sox played in Winter Haven. Today the Sox and Twins joust for the Mayor's Cup in Fort Myers.

I finally know it’s Spring when the Sox have played the Twins like thirty times in twelve days..

Spring training is where Brian Daubach hit a walkoff homer to make the team for the first time in 1999.

Dauby! Weehooo!

It's where 30-year-old Theo Epstein rented a house in Cape Coral with eight assistants in 2004 (they called the place "Phi Sign-a-Playa").

Boy Wonder! Weehooo!

Spring training is where Julian Tavarez punched Joey Gathright at home plate in 2006.

Fucking Asshole! Weehooo!

It's where Boston College punter/center fielder Johnny Ayers laced a double to left field on Daisuke Matsuzaka's first pitch in a Red Sox uniform in 2007. It's where Stephen King has a season ticket behind home plate. It's where Johnny Pesky sets up a folding chair by the third base dugout and signs autographs.

Nostalgia overload!

Spring training.

Sentence fragments.

It prompted Dave Bush of the San Francisco Chronicle to quip, "It's a pity they have to ruin the baseball season by playing it."

Now that’s a sassy quip from our gay neighbors to the west!

The games start Wednesday.

Can't wait for the first sight of pitchers running on the warning track while a game is in progress.

I’ve got a throbbing priapism right now, just thinking of it..

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.

~~~

Spring Training.

Baseball.

Gloves.

Leather.

Bullwhips.

Balls.

Whoops, uh…balks.

The Shaughnessy Sox Gripe Season has officially begun.

Why did a chill just run down my spine?