Shark Attack 2 (2001)

Forget Shark Attack 1, we’re going right to the heart of the Shark Attack trilogy. Shark Attack 2 is like the Wrath of Khan of the Shark Attack series.

Another dubbed European film starring American actors who don’t really seem to have a grasp of English.

When a shark movie kicks off with scuba divers, you know those scuba divers are fucked.

At least there’ll be some nice scenery in this movie.

She whispers softly as she’s mauled down by the Great White. “Ooh, that stings. Stop it ya darn shark.”

Ooh, eye-stab. Now I just feel bad for the shark. Maybe the shark’s the hero in this one.

Alright already, your friend got eaten by a shark. We get it.

What the hell’s steering wheel doing on the right side? Hey, this is Europe. Or at least a European-owned island. And yet the sign to Water World is written in English.

Marine Boy, great nickname for the guy that works at the Marine. That’s like walking into a post office and going, “Hey, Post Office Boy!”

They dubbed the fuck outta this movie. Some of their mouths are saying lines in English and some are speaking gobbledygook.

Why did a little girl dub that little boy’s voice?

A lab at the aquarium, this must mean they created some sort of Super Shark that they can no longer control.

“You know what kind of media coverage we could get with a Great White?” Um, probably the same media coverage every other aquarium with a Great White gets.

Ah Europe, I mean America.

And for some reason, the boat captain is British. This is like the United Nations of shark movies.

Man, violent jump cut from the harbor to the sea.

Sharks don’t attack boats. C’mon.

A Cartman quote…great.

This chick’s totally gonna bang Marine Boy.

Marine Boy gives her a look like he’s never seen a girl before. “Hmm, some sort of female man. Interesting.”

Take a look at this stock footage we superimposed over the aquarium tank window.

“It’s like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey.” Yes…it’s exactly like that.

Whoa, scientist. Getting a little too close there.

Whoops, the dubber got European there for a second.

Ah! Ninjas!

He looks at his sandwich and then checks his watch. What the hell is going on with Marine Boy? “Hmm, this sandwich is telling me it’s noon but my watch clearly says it’s eleven. Maybe I should go ask that female man what time it is…”

Why does the Mayor have a big gold chain? Is he in some sort of all-Mayor rap group?

Always stand directly on top of the rope attached to the meat the shark will soon be dragging around his tank. Always do this. Freakin’ Europeans.

Chomped him in half, that sucks.

“Seagate Exit.” It’s good they gave the shark a way to get out. And clearly labeled it in case he wasn’t sure.

Why does that fake shark have smooth dolphin skin? Oh right, it’s a fake shark.

Yeah great story grizzled, crusty-bearded bartender.

The blonde chick walks into the bar just to glare at Marine Boy. Yeah, we know. She’s angry at him, then they’re gonna work together to find the shark, then they’re gonna fuck.

Sydney Harbaaaa. Hmm, I wonder if he’s Australian…

Whoa, Australian Crocodile Hunter-ish guy checkin’ out Marine Boy’s ass as he passes by. Weird Australians. Downloading porn on a phone line? How old is this movie? “Fuck you, Michael,” he mutters quietly.

Ooh, he called him Crocodile Dundee. Slam!

Ah, but then he comes back dissing Marine Boy’s boats. This is just back-and-forth, people.

“Which one of you dresses up as the Indian. I just wanna know.” Marine Boy, ya lost me.

The bottom of that boat must be coated in sea lion meat, why else would the shark keep attacking it.

“He’s moving!” Yeah, he’s a shark, he’s always moving. Don’t pee yourself.

Nipples. Nice.

“You saved my life. I owe you one.” One…life?

Man, she woke up sweatier than anyone’s ever been in their entire life.

South Africa? Really? That would have been fortieth on my list of possible locations for this nutbar of a film.

Marine Boy tries to make a joke and Blonde Chick doesn’t laugh. Probably the best scene so far.

Uh oh, the big Surfing Competition is coming up! And the man-eating shark is still on the loose!

Weird laugh from Blonde Chick during the falling-in-love montage.

Spit-take! Gotta love a movie with a spit-take. I hope somebody sits on a whoopee cushion next.

“We gotta find it.” “Isn’t that what we’ve been trying to do?”

A scientist up north doing some weird experiments. I knew it.

Pumping sharks with steroids? Awesome.

Hey, where’s the Mayor’s gold chain? It’s hard to take him seriously without it.

“What about the Surfing Competition?” “Cancel it.” “It starts in two hours!” At this time, I must remind the reader that all quotes in italics are actual lines from the movie. This was all actually said. I have it on tape, I can prove it. And my writing of that last line does not do any justice to the emphaticness with which it was actually said.

Haha, there’s a big picture of Nelson Mandela on the wall. I want that. This must be South Africa.

Anti-shark nets? That sounds like a Polish submarine.

Alirght! The Surf Competition! I’ve been waiting an hour for this shit.

Richard Blevins? Not much of a surfer name. That sounds like a name I panic and give to the officer after getting busted for flashing. “Um…Richard…Blevins!”

I hope the shark leaps up and catches a surfer in midair; that would be sweet.

“Hang loose.” Because we are surfers.

Anti-Shark nets; that’s like stopping a bullet by holding your hands up and shutting your eyes.

Crocodile Hunter called heads on the coin toss; that means he’s gonna get his head chomped off.

You’re by yourself on a boat, stop grunting like that weirdo.

Shark in the water, everybody run! You—the Caucasian with the dreadlocks—run!

He hit the shark with a Sea-Doo. Wow.

Not the vaguely-British boat captain! You bastard sharks!

What will become of the Surfing Competition?

Before we go kill those sharks, let’s get some drinks.

“Sharks are evil. They must be destroyed.” This film is very anti-shark.

“The pressure was intense, like a vice.” How many times have you been stuck in a vice? Shark bites are more common than vice accidents.

The night before the big shark hunt. Oh yeah, somebody’s gettin’ some underwater pool sex. Get it, Marine Boy. Toldja they’d fuck. I know my bad movies.

Softcore porn music with grunts and sighs dubbed over it. Gross. (PS: Microsoft Word doesn’t think softcore is a word. The fools.)

Oh, she’s wearing his Miami Dolphins shirt that he hasn’t changed out of for the entire movie. That means they had sex last night. Great wardrobe direction. Or maybe they just couldn’t afford multiple shirts, small budget.

They gave the coin flip boomerang sound effects. How big is that coin?

“All I need is this.” A tiny pistol, yeah you’re good to go.

“Let’s give these bloody dingos what they deserve.” Gee, I keep forgetting he’s Australian.

The Crocodile Hunter’s working for the sharks, he sabotaged the whole thing.

“It’s gonna be okay. I know what I’m doing.” = Dead.

“Ahhh! Ahhh!” he says emotionlessly.

I didn’t know you could shoot a shark in the head with a handgun underwater. I don’t think the shark knew either.

Dammit, Crocodile Hunter survived. Filthy Australian.

Alright, they done blowed up the sharks, this movie’s over, why are they still talking?

God bless you, South Africans, wherever you are. Well…I guess you’d be in South Africa, wouldn’t you? Unless you were traveling…

Overall: Zero out of Four Happy Ethans. Acting: X. Directing: X. Writing: X. Music: X.

Pretty good for a buncha South Africans. What with all the apartheid goings on… Real brave of them to turn their thoughts away from the genocide and devote themselves to sharks and softcore grunting. The only thing that’s bothering me is no Nelson Mandela. This guy’s the only famous South African and he couldn’t make a cameo? Pompous asshole.