Bob Ryan Also Sucks –
I’ll
admit it. I’m a fair weather Bruins fan. It’s not my fault that the owners got
greedy and killed the sport. Now I have to go all the way up in the 200’s if I
wanna watch a hockey game. MY THUMBS AREN’T THAT STRONG, DAMMIT! I watched the
crazy series last year with
(Bob’s blowhardidness
in bold, my bandwagonery in plain.)
Bruins
Are Deep Thinkers
Like,
what if this hockey rink was really just a
penguin’s dream?
Gather 'round, young'uns,
whilst we spin a tale or two about the Big Bad Bruins,
Oh Christ. When’s that face cancer
gonna kill him, already?
winners of two
And maybe a couple over there and
one on the side.
Ah, no, not gonna bore you with
that. Ask Daddy. Ask Grandpa. Ask Uncle Harry.
Ew, get away from my family, Bob
Ryan!
Ask 'em all and watch 'em weep
when they get to the subject of Bobby, Espo, Cheesie, the Turk, Ken Dryden, knees in general and that damnable WHA.
Whaaaaaa!
Still, those guys did win Lord
Stanley's Cup twice, and they did own this town, and that's the truth.
Wait, so why are we weeping then?
But that was a long time ago.
Back when I used to be a good
writer.
The sobering reality is that
the only current Bruin who was drawing a breath on this earth when the Boston Bruins
last won it all is 41-year-old Mark Recchi, who was a 4-year-old hellion (just
guessing) in Kamloops
C’mon
on that glorious day in 1972
when the Bruins took care of the Rangers to become hockey champions of the
known world.
There’s a team in Atlantis that’s
way better.
So this is Year 37 in the
hereafter and so absolutely, positively, the answer to the question
Wait, what question?
is Y-E-S.
Crap, I had ‘eggs.’
Yes.
Yes?
Yes, there is pressure on this
team to go a long way in the 2009 Stanley Cup playoffs.
Fans expect a 1-seed to do well in
the postseason? Holy shlamoley!
That's what happens when a team
that has taken one playoff series in 15 years wins 53 games and comes within a
point of having the best record in the league.
Damn you, Sharks! Damn you and
your extra point and your extra row of teeth!
We'll have none of that Dusty
Springfield "Wishin' 'n' Hopin' " stuff this year.
Because Dusty Springfield sucks
dick.
Much like the Celtics last
year, it's gone way beyond that. Now it's a case of some Dickensian "Great
Expectations."
From Dusty Springfield to Charles
Dickens. Quite a jump there, Bob.
"It was hope going into
the season," concedes Bruins general manager Peter Chiarelli. "But
that hope became expectation based on our regular season."
Just how much have the Bruins
exceeded the original in-house expectation?
"We felt we'd be competing
for the fourth or fifth spot in the conference," reveals Chiarelli.
Did he, or anyone else, foresee
Tim Thomas leading the league in both goals-against and save percentage?
Shit, I thought he was
still on the Clippers.
We all know the answer to that.
The Bruins were quite comfortable with the noble Catamount in the nets, but
linking his name to that of Georges Vezina was something no one thought of.
Because most people don’t know who
Georges Vezina is.
But if he doesn't win Mr.
Vezina's trophy after the season he had, there will be screaming from Tewksbury
to Truro,
The old New England sports writer
trick of naming two random small towns. The eleven people in Truro are fucking
pumped right now.
and God forbid any deviant
voter wander up among the Gallery Gods or dare to enter Sullivan's Tap.
Whooo! Bob Ryan mentioned the bar
I go to! WhooooooOO!!! Partyyyy!!!!!
And remember all those seasons
when the Bruins were offensively challenged beyond one good line? How many
times did a season end with Harry Sinden standing outside a losing locker room
at the conclusion of a playoff series, muttering, "A sniper. We need a
sniper"?
My kingdom for a sniper!
If that mythical Hall of Fame
sniper never did materialize, what has turned up is a boatload of quality
scorers. True, there's no 50-goal guy on this squad, but there are seven
20-goal scorers and one 6-foot-9-inch 19-goal scorer who brings a few other
things to the table.
Like extra large pants.
This is a team that scored five
or more goals 21 times, six or more goals 11 times, seven or more goals five
times, and even scored eight on one occasion. The goal judge cannot take a
little siesta when the Bruins are on the ice.
Because goal judges are rarely
Mexican.
Consider what Chiarelli has
done in his three years.
(considering, considering,
considering)
In his first season, the Bruins
scored 219 goals and gave up 289. There was, of course, no postseason play.
Last season they scored 212 goals and gave up 222. They did make the playoffs,
but they were the only team in the tournament with a negative goal
differential.
They were an eight-seed, take it
easy Attack Dog.
This season they scored 274
goals while being scored upon 196 times. That's a plus-88, which you'd have to
say is pretty impressive,
I have to say no such thing! Good
day to you!
and that means there has been a
138-goal swing in three seasons, which is more than impressive.
I said ‘Good day.’
That's utterly fantastic.
No, you’re utterly
fantastic Bob.
Chiarelli made a mistake with
nice guy Dave Lewis as his coach that first year, but he cut his losses after
one season, bidding adieu to the former Detroit mentor and hiring in his stead
Claude Julien, late of the New Jersey Devils and, most notably, once upon a
time the man in charge of the Montreal Canadiens their very own selves.
‘Their very own selves?’ Wouldn’t
that mean he wasn’t in charge?
People cannot help dwelling on
the delicious circumstance of Julien coaching against his old club in this
first-round series,
Yeah, it’s positively
mouth-watering.
all the more so because when an
eighth-seeded Canadiens team upended a first-seeded Bruins team five years ago,
Guess Who was standing behind the Montreal dasher?
Mon Dieu!
Ai yi yi!
Well, Claude's a Bruin now, and
you're not going to get him caught up in deep angst over any extraneous story
lines. To him, the Canadiens are the team on the current schedule, not some
historic nemesis, not the team that once won 18 consecutive playoff series
against the Bruins, and not the team that has won the last three playoff series
between the two.
Thanks for reminding us, Bob. Good
memories.
Now they are the team that
ousted the Bruins (and him) last year, and it must be noted that the man
currently at the helm of the Canadiens is Bob Gainey, who just happens to be
his old boss in Montreal. So, sure, if and when the Bruins win this series,
there might be at least the hint of a smirk during that handshake line.
A New
England coach who acts like a prick during the postgame handshake?
Whaaaaaaa!!?!!?!?
Ottawa native Chiarelli,
Julien, and the players aren't wrapped up in all the sordid Bruins playoff
history, but the Bruins faithful certainly are.
So essentially you’re saying
Bruins fans are wrapped up in their team’s history. Jesus Christ..
The most passionate and
deserving hard core of all our sports fans haven't had a decent sniff of a
championship since 1990, when the Bruins were bounced around in the Cup finals
by Edmonton for the second time in three years. Their minimum demand is a trip
to the Eastern Conference finals.
And they have your children, Boston Bruins. DO WHAT THEY SAY!
Since the fans last saw a Bruin
skate around with the Cup held over his head, the Celtics have won six times,
the Patriots have won three times, and the Red Sox have not only won twice but,
like the Patriots, have become industry models. So Bruins fans look at this
116-point team and they are saying one thing, and one thing only:
“I am looking at professional
hockey team.”
"Hey! Our time has
come!"
Oh, that too.
"I can't give you the
number of rounds I think we'll win," says Chiarelli. "Let's win the
first round, and then I can give you a better picture."
Oh, there are many Eastern
Conference minefields out there: Pittsburgh, with Messrs. Crosby and Malkin;
Stop it with the Quebec-speak!
Washington, with the great Ovechkin;
and New Jersey, with The System and the stately Martin Brodeur in goal, just to
name three.
Take it from me, Mr. C.
Okay, The Fonz.
Two rounds are a must.
Ayyyyy!
If the Bruins don't get that
far, they'd be safer taking a cruise around the Horn of
No! There’s pirates there!
Bob Ryan is a Globe
columnist and host of the Globe's 10.0 on Boston.com. He can be
reached at ryan@globe.com. 
~~~
The
bandwagon is officially full. Nobody can fit after Bob’s big Irish head. Go
watch tennis or something..