Bob Ryan Also Sucks – 2/17/09
Robert A. Ryan (the ‘A’ is for
‘Anus’) continues his reign of terror despite my continued fervent demands for
a ceasefire. It is clear he can no longer be reasoned with. No mercy..
Today he continues his Valentine’s
week with this love letter to Designated Hitter/Dominican David “Big Papi” Ortiz..
(Bob’s pompus
windbaggery in bold, my clever rejoinders in
plain.)
Coming Out Swinging
Goodness, I hope he’s talking
about baseball..
So, he doesn’t exist?
He's making a list and he's
checking it twice.
Yup, that’s like Santa Claus.
He knows who's been naughty and
who's been nice.
He knows I’ve been naughty? Ah
cripes..
He knows it when you're
sleeping.
Alright, now this is getting weird..
He knows when you're awake.
So he knows when I’m not
reading Bob Ryan articles?
Most of all, he knows you've
been dissin' him all winter - don't deny it - and he
is not happy about it.
Yeah, why you frontin’ no my n*gga Big Papi?
"I don't have to prove
nothing here," he declares.
So he does have to prove everything?
That’s exactly what I’ve been saying!
"I've done it all. I just
want to be healthy and let people know they were wrong."
There is a serious school of
thought that says people with the David Ortiz body
type do not age well.
It’s called Factology.
They are positive we have seen
the best of Papi, and that only disappointment awaits. It's one thing to be built
like Papi at 27, but quite another to be built that
way at 33, which Papi became back on Nov. 18.
Papi isn't buying it.
Steroids? No, I think they just give those away..
"I've heard people say,
'He's getting older,' or whatever," Ortiz explains. "I just turned
33. I've never seen a player called old at 33."
Papi doesn’t watch much sports..
Now, most players are
notoriously bad historians, and Big Papi is no
exception.
Did you see his report on
the Battle of Eniwetok Atoll? Please..
Ten years before Papi was born, Hall of Famer-to-be
Frank Robinson was traded by the
Of course Big Papi
is a big non-position player who keeps getting bigger and Frank was an
athletic, active, acrobatic third baseman; but
still..
In those days, a lot of people
thought 30 really was old.
Nowadays we realize that twenty-five
is old..
But Frank Robinson was a much
different body type.
So my comparison, like so many
over my career, is moot.
More to the point are the cases
of Cecil Fielder and Mo Vaughn, a couple of widebodies
whose premature career conclusions represent cautionary tales for the big guys
of the sport.
I wish widebodies
could have premature career conclusions in sportswriting..
Fielder just kept getting
bigger and bigger, and he was done at age 34, his last decent season coming at
age 32. Mo likewise assumed Sumo wrestler proportions as he got older.
Seriously, his head was like a
fishbowl..
He was finished at 35. Each
battled injury, and neither was able to reverse the decline once it started.
Big Papi
wasn't Big Papi last year. He has had knee problems
for a couple of years, and last year he injured his left wrist severely enough
to miss games from June 1 through July 23. When he came back to the lineup, he
was better than a lot of guys, but he wasn't the Big Papi
who had been abusing American League pitchers since 2003.
They must’ve called some sort of
hotline..
Ortiz knows what he was,
Bad.
and what he wasn't,
Good.
and he doesn't think people cut him enough slack. Though far
less than 100 percent, he was good enough to play, and he did what he could.
Well, he is supposed to be
the best hitter on our team and he wasn’t. But he tried, dammit! Isn’t that enough?!
"I'm just surprised at how
people see things," he says. "I'm the kind of guy who counts on
himself a lot. I know I wasn't 100 percent, but I tried. Things didn't work out
the way I expected. But people didn't see the positive, only the negative.
It’s crazy, ‘cause
But I know I can hit."
Among those few people willing
and eager to accentuate the positive in this matter was the skipper.
"There were some pitches
he couldn't handle, but we were better off with him in the lineup than without
him," asserts Terry Francona. "If you
pro-rate his numbers, they were pretty good.
Whoa, easy there Terry Pecota..
And the threat of a three-run
homer was still there. Believe me, it is better to
have him than not to have him."
The problem, of course, is that
when a man has set a bar in the stratosphere, ordinary performance looks so
disappointing. Ortiz's final numbers in 2008 were quite reminiscent of the
stats he put up in his final year with Minnesota, when, in 412 at-bats, he had
20 homers, 53 extra-base hits, 75 ribbies, and an
.839 OPS. Those are the numbers Theo & Co. were pro-rating into something
dazzling when they signed him for that cut-rate million back in '03. Well, last
year, David Ortiz, in 416 at-bats, had 23 homers, 54 extra-base hits, and an OPS of .876.
Give him his customary 600-plus
at-bats and a reasonably conservative final ballpark area would have seen him
have a minimum of 30 homers and 100 ribbies, bad
wrist and all.
The wrist, Papi
says, is fine. Now about that body . . .
(slowly
takes off pants..)
Who among us didn't say that we
will know everything about Big Papi's current level
or true professionalism by how much of him there is when he reports to spring
training? So I am here to report that David Ortiz is a lean, mean, batting
machine. Really.
He looks mah-ve-lous.
Crap, I’m getting that image of a
cross-dressing Bob Ryan sashaying about his office under a parasol again..
(pulls
pants back up)
"Just working hard,"
he says. "I'm just trying to get myself ready for the season. I really
didn't take many days off after the end of the season. I started right away, to
make sure I was ready to go."
It shows.
For years you couldn't talk
about David Ortiz without talking about Manny Ramírez,
the other half of baseball's premier early 21st century 1-2 punch.
Wow, that just rolls off the
tongue. Murderer’s Row, Bash Brothers, Baseball’s Premier Early 21st
Century 1-2 Punch..
I would’ve gone with the Dominican
Dick-Swingers..
We all know that, regardless of
who winds up batting behind Big Papi this year, Manny
will never again be walking through that door.
(Manny walks through door)
“Hey guys, wha’s
behigh thees door?”
Papi was peppered with questions concerning the failed Red
Sox pursuit of Mark Teixeira, the injury to Mike
Lowell, and just about anything to do with the cleanup spot. He made it clear he would still welcome the addition of
a certified Big Bopper,
I think he died in that Buddy
Holly crash..
as unlikely as that now seems.
Because he’s dead..
But he did make one promise.
"I just want to take
everything day by day," he says. "If I don't see a pitch I can hit,
I'm not swinging. I won't let the situation go from bad to worse."
But I thought the situation wasn’t
bad and we were all wrong? And I thought you were Santa Claus! Stop watching me
while I sleep Papi Claus!!!
Anyway, Papi
can only be Papi, not himself and a cleanup hitter,
too.
This makes the least sense ever.
The important thing is that the
left wrist is healed, he looks more like Adalius Thomas than Vince Wilfork,
Didn’t Wilfork
play twice as many games as Adalius this season?
and he wants the world to know he has some bashing to do.
"I just want to be healthy
like I am right now," he says. "If I'm healthy, I know I can do some
damage."
“If I’m
healthy.” Wow, my confidence in
our team is through the roof right now, thanks for the reassurance Papi..
By the way, have you seen Mo
lately?
Yeah, he’s cleaning the grout out
of my bathroom tiles right now..
God love him for all the good
work he's doing,
Praise his charity work and then slam
him!
but I saw him at the airport, and for a minute I thought he
really was Vince Wilfork.
Because if anybody can critique
how out-of-shape and unhealthy another person looks, it’s Bob Freaking Ryan.
Bob (Freaking) Ryan is a
Globe columnist. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com.
~~~
Another
day, another Sock slurped. Bob’s throat must be getting pretty sore by now..