Bob Ryan Also Sucks – 2/16/09

Bob Ryan cannot be contained! Three in a row! Three in a row! Three in a row!

Today’s Bob Ryan article, brought to you by Marshmallow Fluff, a Valentine for Dusty Pedroia.

(Bob’s pompous windbaggery in bold, Ethan’s classic rejoinders in plain.)

Little Chance Of Pedroia Letdown

Yeah, there’s absolutely no chance a defending MVP who just signed a six-year contract has slightly-lower numbers a year later..

FORT MYERS, Fla. - He's still short.

Pedroia: “Hey, fuck you Bob! You’re still fat!”

Dustin Pedroia's still short,

Really have to say that twice, Bob?

but now he's Mr. MVP.

Pedroia: I’m Mr. MVP!

Bateman: No no, we just call it ‘MVP.’

Pedroia: But you—

Bateman: Doesn’t matter who said it..

In just two full seasons, plus 31 games,

Carry the four..

he's won a Rookie of the Year, an MVP, and a Gold Glove. Short jokes aren't going to bother Pedroia.

Well, you sure are trying Bob.

He might even give you a few himself.

Or he might just punch you in the throat.

"'Cause I'm 5-5, 165 pounds," he joked, when asked why he worked so hard in the winter of 2008-09. "I definitely have to put in the extra time. Definitely try to get my legs stronger so I can play 162 games."

That’s a game a pound..

OK, he's not 5 feet 5 inches, but he's not 5-9, either, no matter what the book says. Five-6 is closer to the truth,

So, an inch taller than what he said.. Now that’s a short joke!

and he weighs more than 165.

Trust me, I’ve held him in my arms.

He's strong enough to hit 'em out, as we all know. Forget the size.

Because I won’t.

He plays big.

But that's a matter of choice,

Being a major league MVP is a choice! You are not born that way!

and the fact that he has chosen not to be the textbook little guy tells you a lot about this extraordinary ballplayer. He could have taken the Nellie Fox, choke-up-and-hit-'em-where-they-ain't route, as best exemplified in the contemporary game by, say, David Eckstein.

Scrappy.

There's nothing wrong with that, and Eckstein has a pair of rings to show for it.

Scrappy rings.

That obviously held no appeal for Pedroia. When he looked into the mirror, he saw more of a Joe Morgan type.

A dumb ignoramus who thinks Billy Beane is a witch?

The Hall of Fame second baseman was a legitimate power threat at 5-7.

Although his stats had nothing to do with that Hall of Fame selection. Nothing!!

But when their swings are matched up, the comparison falls apart.

So this paragraph was a waste of my life and yours. For that, I apologize.

Morgan was coiled and measured. Pedroia is more grip-and-rip, a miniature baseball version of John Daly, minus the career-threatening baggage.

I wanna see Dusty start chainsmoking at the plate.

More to the point, Pedroia has the cut and swagger of a boxer. You can picture him at the weigh-in or at the center of the ring

Ooh yeah, just in trunks.. Mmm… Keep going, Bob..

receiving the referee's instructions,

Yes, he’s so obedient..

his face pressed up against his foe's,

Oh God, my pants!

even as his lips are informing the other guy that his head is soon to be separated from his shoulders.

Hmm, that part’s less erotic than the others.

Cockiness, thy name is Dustin Pedroia.

I thought thy name was Cockiness.

Of course, it was hard to be that way around the mates when you were breaking into the big leagues the way Pedroia did. There's no place for excess bravado, either verbally or in mannerisms, when through your first 53 games and 150 at-bats in the bigs you are batting .187 with 11 runs scored and 10 driven in.

Yeah, he sucked.

And here was manager Terry Francona, essentially dependent on the glowing reports of the scouts, and armed with a viable replacement (Alex Cora),

Alex Cora is nothing if not viable.

asking himself, "Do I keep believing the scouts, or my eyes? I need to see something from this kid - soon."

Maybe if he popped on some trunks and pressed his face against another man’s..

The Kid started showing some signs of offensive life with a 2-for-2 game in Minnesota May 5, 2007. That was the first of four consecutive multi-hit games (9 for 14), and by the time the month ended he had hit .415 with a 1.072 OPS, the highlight an epic 12-pitch at-bat against Eric Gagne in Arlington, Texas, that culminated in a homer that proved the eventual winning run.

It was soon after that performance that we realized we had to trade for Gagne, right? Jesus..

I think we safely can say that Pedroia never has looked back.

We also can say that the full force of his powerful personality is on display. Shy, he ain't.

Writer, you ain’t.

But he had the good sense to wait until he actually had done something at the big league level before he began introducing his teammates to the real Dustin Pedroia.

"I don't know that you can come into a major league clubhouse and act like that," pointed out Francona. "He came in, did what he was supposed to do, and then grew into his personality. You have to be who you are. [Kevin] Millar was the same way. He could say things no one else could say and get away with it."

I mean, “Cowboy Up”?! Who else could get away with that?!! YOU CAN’T SAY THAT ON TELEVISION!

What most attracts the skipper to his second baseman is Francona's fervent belief that, Pedroia's clubhouse swagger aside, his head is in the right place.

Between Francona’s knees? Oh wait, no, that’s where Bob’s head is..

Francona thinks Pedroia is grateful for the accolades but far more interested in winning.

Winning = Good. Losing = Bad.

"He's actually a very humble person. I bet he'd be willing to sacrifice all those awards in order to be Tampa [Bay] in Game 7," asserted Francona.

Good bet.

Great bet.

"I'm excited about the MVP," Pedroia acknowledged.

Real excited. (Pedroia smiles and glances down at his lap..)

"It was a great year, but I was very upset about the way it ended. My biggest focus in the offseason was to get ready for this season. I just want to help the team win."

Toward that end he spent many hours at the famed Athletes' Performance Institute in Arizona. "Trying to get quicker and stronger," he said.

The Sox would have been thrilled had he merely matched his rookie numbers. No one on this earth foresaw that he would lead the American League in runs (118) and be tied for the lead in hits (213); or that in Year 2 he would have 25 more extra-base hits, drive in 33 more runs, have 48 more hits, and increase his stolen base total by 13 (career totals: 27 SBs and 3 CSs). And don't forget the Gold Glove.

I shan’t.

People have suggested in print that we already have seen his career year.

What is this ‘print’ you speak of?

As you might suspect, that is of no concern to Pedroia.

Probably ‘cause normal people don’t read newspapers anymore.

"I don't worry about that," he said. "I just want to help the Red Sox win. I don't care what people say. I don't read the papers, anyway."

See? Seeeeee?!!??!

Francona, who loves needling the little guy,

Hey now!

says that if you scrape away the yip-dog aspect of Pedroia's personality, you've got a managerial dream.

"He comes in and gets Rookie of the Year, and now he's the MVP," Francona said. "But those things are subjective. What's important is that he's just a really good player. It's nice to have those [type of] guys on your side. That's the only way to put it."

League MVP on your team = Good.

Dustin Pedroia just signed a six-year contract extension. Terry Francona would be thrilled to be around for all of it. Or even half.

Or even nine-twenty-sixths!

Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com.

~~~

Another golden egg. I can’t wait to see who Bob’s gonna slurp next! He’s gonna have to get his stomach pumped by March..