Bob Ryan Sucks Also – 2/15/09

Damn you, Bob Ryan and you’re insufferable work ethic! I haven’t seen a bag of wind work this hard since the Hindenburg! Hiyoooo!

Today, a Valentine to Javier Lopez.

(Bob’s pompous windbaggery in bold, Ethan’s classic rejoinders in plain.)

Lopez Is In Good Situation

I prefer good situations to bad situations, personally..

FORT MYERS, Fla. - They called him "One-Third Henry," but by today's standards, Bill Henry was a workhorse.

That isn’t saying much. By today’s standards, Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist.

Not until his ninth season in the majors, at age 34, did the man who was the first reliever associated with the concept of the "situational lefty" have more games than innings pitched.

Is that an interesting stat? I don’t even know anymore.. Damn you Bob Ryan, you have jaded me to the sport!

We live in a far different baseball era.

Selig: “No we don’t. Everything’s fine.”

Henry's time was the 1950s and '60s. Well into the '70s and early '80s, teams operated with nine- or 10-man staffs, and all relievers were expected to log multiple innings. Now, 11 and even 12-man staffs are universal and every team has someone, usually a southpaw, who isn't put off by continually facing one or two batters before heading in for the nice hot shower.

And then he goes to the locker room. Hiyooo!

Around here, that man answers to the name Javier Lopez.

He also answers to, “Fuckwad!” and “You suck!”

Javier Lopez can safely go about his business without being bothered. People in Boston know the name, and they sure know the image.

"He's that sidewinding guy, right?"

“He’s that douchebag, right?”

Yes, he is. Javy Lopez, not to be confused with the slugging Atlanta catcher of the same name (who had a brief stint in '06 that allowed the Red Sox to lead the league in Javy Lopezes),

Finally!

comes at you from pretty far down under.

Hey now!..

Let's just say you don't need a scorecard or binoculars to know who's warming up in the bullpen.

But on a team of stars and near-stars and international stars, Javier Lopez has a low profile.

"That's no problem for me," he says. "I have a low profile, and I'm fine with that. I see what it's like for guys like Papi, Youk, Pap, and Dustin, and I kind [of] like my anonymity."

What a fuckin’ layup of a spring training profile. Stop laying into our Javier, Bob Ryan! He’s in tears in the corner!

He has had an interesting couple of years. Two years ago, he didn't fit the idea of "situational lefty" at all. Lefthanded hitters batted .293 with an OPS of .805. So how did he keep his job?

Blowjobs.

He did it by getting the righties out; that's how.

Oh.

In 2007, righthanded hitters batted .176 with an OPS of .561 against Javier Lopez.

Then came 2008 and what we saw was a different Javier Lopez altogether. This time, righthanded batters roughed him up a bit, hitting .311 with an OPS of .818. But he was appropriately stingy to those southpaw hitters, holding lefties to a batting average of .182 and an OPS of .587.

Stats, stats, stats!

Is it time for him to put it all together? Pitching coach John Farrell thinks so.

Yeah, a 31-year-old lefty reliever. He’s definitely due..

"Javier Lopez is a guy who has continued to evolve and improve," Farrell declares. "He's a very intelligent guy."

Hey, Javier Lopez a University of Virginia grad. That's not exactly a mail-order degree, you know?

Well, you’d know about those, Bob..

Oh, and UVA sucks. Go Duke Dogs.

Despite the lopsided splits that just happened to be the reverse of the previous season, there was a widespread feeling that Lopez had, in fact, upped his game last year.

Who exactly held this belief?

The manager went to him for more games and more innings, and there was an undeniable feeling of confidence displayed on his behalf. Javier Lopez was a full-fledged, card-carrying member of the Boston Red Sox staff, with full rights and privileges. It wasn't as if he had a day pass or something.

I don’t even know what this means. Definitely could’ve made a Green Card joke though.. C’mon Bob! Immigrant humor!

Of course, part of his new feeling of security was the simple fact that he was finally out of options. The Red Sox couldn't just put him in a car and point him to Pawtucket without consequences.

Well, they could’ve..

"There was a little sense of relief," he acknowledges. "You didn't have to worry so much about every bad outing."

Yeah Javier, just huck that ball and say “Fuck it.”

He originally came to Boston as a Rule V guy back in '03, and he was pretty much stuck in the gawk mode.

Gawk Mode. Is that a new Street Fighter level?

"'Shock and awe,' I guess you'd say," Lopez recalls. "Guys like Pedro [Martinez], John Burkett, Alan Embree were people I'd watched and admired. It was just nice to be here."

The Red Sox didn't keep him, but he was left with hope.

Left! Get it?!?!?!!?!

"Theo [Epstein] told me I might very well be back someday," Lopez says.

Although, to be honest, he was laughing pretty hard when he said that.

Off he went to Colorado, Arizona, and the White Sox, interspersed with a return to the minors. A guy such as Javier Lopez, with less than dazzling stuff, needs to get it calibrated just so, especially when he has an offbeat delivery. There is a particular combination of talent, experience, and confidence required to make it all work, and that's why both Lopez and Farrell believe his best work is yet to come.

Well, that makes two of us. …Those two…

Put Lopez down as a member of the John Farrell Fan Club, in case you're asking.

"He's been tremendous, especially for me," Lopez says. "He's great to talk to because everything is always positive. Over the 162 games, you never see him get too up or too down. He's the same with us during a five-game losing streak as he is when we're on a winning streak. Anything he can do to make us better, he will."

Javier Lopez has seen down in his big league career, and he's seen up.

He’s also seen sideways and diagonal.

Not too surprisingly, he prefers the latter,

Diagonal?

especially as exemplified by the day-to-day life of the Red Sox.

"It is first-class all the way here," he points out. "It's tough to describe, other than to say that the only focus is to win. There are no extracurriculars.

They got rid of Recess after Manny left.

They put nine guys out on the field and expect to win every night. And this is the closest bunch, with the best camaraderie, of any team I've ever been on.

"On other teams, the pitchers might hang with the pitchers and the position players with the position players, but here there are no cliques. It's a good clubhouse mix."

I hate when all the utility infielders get together and talk about me behind my back.

He won't get headlines and he won't pile up stats, with the exception of a "hold" or two.

Or a blown save or nine.

But he has a job that needs to be done, and for the past two years he has done it to the satisfaction of Terry Francona and John Farrell.

And that’s about it.

When they put you out there 70 times, that's your pat on the back, right there.

Why don’t we just literally pat him on the back instead, this season?

Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com.

~~~

That was the Marshmallow Fluff of Bob Ryan pieces. I’ll try to keep this one in mind a month from now when Bob’s throwing Javier under the bus.