Resident Evil 2 (2004)
More zombies, more Jovovich, more Jovovich vag? Stay tuned.
Zombies are a lot easier to watch during the day. Zombie apocalypses usually begin at night, so there’s less chance of attack.
Zombie attack during a heatwave. Well, at least the pollen count is low. Every movie should start with the weather. Just so we’re informed.
All
they sent underground was six dudes in HAZMAT suits? C’mon fictional
If I knew there was an underground zombie facility beneath my suburban home, I’d definitely ask for lower rent.
Here come the zombie cops!
Extracted before the zombie apocalypse. How does somebody get that treatment? It’s more than just being a white landowner like back in the day.
Uh oh, funny black guy. He’s doomed.
That’s pretty cool that the end of the first movie comes eight minutes into the sequel.
Take a look at this crazed mob! It’s awesome!
They always get bit right as the door opens.
Oh shit! Farik from Sleeper Cell! The most evil fictional terrorist in the history of American television. And now he’s jumpin’ out of helicopters, killin’ zombies.
Damn, locked in the zombie city. Good thing they built a fence around it.
Farik and Titus’ brother on the zombie SWAT team, that’s pretty badass.
Gun store surprisingly unlooted. You’d think that would be the first one to go.
Hey! The pirate guy from Dodgeball!
Man, churches are scary enough without zombies in ‘em.
“Are you alright?” “No, I’m a zombie!”
Wow, the zombies are definitely scarier than in the first one. It’s like the jump from Night of the Living Dead to Dawn of the Dead.
Oh man, another stupid Langolier. How’d they make those special effects? They use a Casio keyboard?
Oh shit, it’s laughing at him. If the zombie you can’t see in the dark is laughing at you, get the fuck outta there. There goes the Dodgeball Pirate.
Get that Langolier! Get him!
“I’m out of ammo!” Well, there’s usually some lying around on every level. Check in the corners. It’ll be floating or spinning. No wait, that’s Mario Kart.
Radicallllllllll!!! Motorcycle through the stained-glass window of the church. The only way they could top that would be if it was Corey Haim in a wheelchair motorcycle.
Who is this? Duke Nukem? Oh, it’s Milla.
Now that’s fuckin’ cool. Ghost ride your motorcycle into the Langolier then shoot the fuel tanks and blow that bitch up.
“Who the fuck are you?” Oh god, funny black guy again.
Farik with a knife to the head. Nice toss. Nice shot Little Titus.
“I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is.” The zombie way it is.
Yeah, standing around in a graveyard; not the smartest idea during a zombie apocalypse.
Here comes a big Hobgoblin. We’ve moved past the Langolier level. We’re entering Hobgoblin Country now.
Farik and Little Titus aren’t faring too well. And their little friend Yari’s about to become zombified. Or Hobgobbled.
“We don’t need weapons! We need evacuation!” Little Titus yells snottily.
“These weren’t meant for us,” Farik mutters conspiratorially.
For perhaps the first time ever, the Funny Black Guy in one of these movies is actually relatively funny.
Uh oh, Hobgoblin with a bazooka.
“Look’t. That mothafucka got a rocket launcher!”
“Let’s see – how good – they really are.” A broken sentence in broken English, that’s a new one.
See? All you gotta do is give the Hobgoblin some Dap and he’ll let you go.
“Those were some pretty slick moves back there.”
So some guy in a wheelchair can keep all these people in the city? Why don’t they just tip him over?
“That’s bullshit. That’s bullshit!” Angry
“
Annnd Other Black Guy’s dead. That was quick. First black guy I’ve ever heard of named Peyton.
Damn, that Hobgoblin’s good.
Never trust calm moments in zombie movies, that’s when they getcha.
Oh jeez, now Hot Haltertop Cop and News Anchorwoman are teamin’ up with Funny Black Guy. Antics ensue.
Farik saves Funny Black Guy. Now he owes Farik a really good joke.
Oh boy, zombie kids.
There goes news anchorwoman. Well, at least she got it all on film. She’ll probably get that Emmy now. They love handing out posthumous Emmys to dead/eaten anchorwomen.
More zombie dogs.
Little Titus saves Hot Haltertop Cop. And then gets mauled by zombie dogs. Couldn’t even cash in the saved-you-from-zombie-dogs card. Beating.
Why
do zombie dogs always get covered in ketchup? Unless everybody in
So the guy in the wheelchair started the whole zombie apocalypse? Man, just like wheelchair Haim starting that werewolf epidemic. At least I think that’s how it happened.
“Shoulda told me you got bit, mothafucka. I’m hanging witcha and shit.”
Uh oh, Netlink failure. I hate that.
Farik and Jovovich are gonna bang.
Jovovich running down buildings and shit.
“We have to hurry.” “We’ve got time.” “No! We have to hurry!” Jeez, alright. We have to hurry.
Enough with this guy and his crappy accent. I know chimneysweeps with more convincing British accents. It’s not even British, it’s just European. Sometimes Eastern, sometimes Western.
And he’s still talking. Just let Milla fight the Hobgoblin and shut up.
“Begin,” he said Eastern Europeanly.
Where’d they find an outfit that fits that big ol’ Hobgoblin?
That little British girl’s got somethin’ brewin’.
I think Annoying Accent Guy’s going down.
“Finish him.” Yeah, okay Mortal Kombat.
“With my help, just imagine what you can achieve.” What? Kill more Hobgoblins and Langoliers and Ketchupy Zombie Dogs?
Oh! Funny Black Line from Funny Black Guy!
He shoulda pimp-slapped him, not just punched him. Isn’t that what Funny Black Guys do? And pimps.
Damn! Two helicopters with one rocket! Nice one Hobgoblin!
Oh
yeah, there’s zombies in
Ooh, no suicide for you Annoying Accent Guy. In your face!
Hot
Haltertop Cop and Jovovich
should have a spinoff show at
Kaboom! And Jovovich is impaled.
Empty crashed helicopter. Similar to the end of 28 Weeks Later.
“Fetch the medical team,” he said seriously. No, seriously. He said ‘Fetch.’
Fuckin’ media, screwin’ up the zombie coverage.
Oh baby. Naked Jovovich in a tank with tubes in her orifices. Now that’s hot. This girl don’t give a fuck about being nude. Especially when it’s gross coma patient nude.
And now she’s learning what a pen is. What the fuck did they do to Jovovich?
Oh shit, she’s about to go the fuck off.
She shoulda just stabbed him in the eye. Tease.
I think she should lose the towel. It’s holding her back.
She can kill people just by looking at video cameras?
Farik, Hot Haltertop Cop and Funny Black Guy. All cops now. So apparently the Umbrella Corporation’s soldier test consists of jokes about how black people are different from white people.
I gotta say though, that wasn’t really a zombie apocalypse like the subtitle promised. More of a localized incident.
And please folks, always remember to have your dogs spayed, neutered and properly slathered in ketchup if he or she becomes a zombie.
Overall: One out of Four Happy Ethans. Acting – Farik and Little Titus saved the day. Directing – this is the only thing this guy has ever directed on his own. I don’t want no second string director helming my zombie flick. Writing – I mean, Paul Anderson wrote Alien V. Predator, so…yada mean? Music – still too Matrixy.
Well the video game folks took it up a notch this time around by giving hot-ass Jovovich a hot-ass sidekick, but there wasn’t any lesbo-kissin’. That mighta given
‘em Two Happy Ethans.
What’s a better comfort during the horrors of a zombie apocalypse than two
pretty ladies caressing each other ever so tenderly? Unless one of ‘em’s really
a zombie and she bites the other pretty lady’s lips off. That would suck. Can’t kiss a lady without lips. Unless it’s an Eskimo kiss. Fuckin’ Eskimos.