National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets (2007)

Ah yes, National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets; or NT2BOS as its known to its cultish followers (Also known as NT2BOSties). Will it stand up to the brilliance of NT1? Only time will tell. Well, time or this ethanbooker.com movie review.

“I hear you’re quite good with puzzles and riddles.” In other words, “I hear you’re a fag.”

Lincoln’s about to get got.

Just because the Prez has been shot doesn’t mean you gotta shut the bar down.

Professor Nicolas Cage. Right.

Wow, lotta hot chicks in Borders today.

And the wackiness begins. I can only hope hijinks will ensue. Perhaps even shenanigans?

Keitel! No! what are you doing to our Keitel?

Voigt, Keitel and Ed Harris: Do they not read scripts anymore?

Frenchmen that insult Americans: Original screenwriting.

“These guys are trained mercenaries as well as being black market antiquities dealers.” Yeah, ‘cause the one thing I wanna do after assassinating a few despots is go antiquing.

Ha, poop joke.

This movie might be starting to grow on me. If they killed off Cage I’d be sold.

Oh boy, he’s really Cageing his booty off in this scene.

Oh, he went to Find-Online.com. My favorite search engine.

“What’s going on now?” “I haven’t the foggiest.” God, they’re British. Pretty easy to bamboozle the Brits.

British car chase! Man, London is just skinny roads and double-decker buses. Somebody get them a city planner.

That is one dedicated henchman; jumpin’ off bridges and shit.

City of Gold? Even the roads? Sounds alittle slippery.

Jesus, Helen Mirren? Disney must have dirt on all these talented actors. Some sort of disturbing* Voigt-Keitel-Harris-Mirren sex tape. (*And by disturbing, I mean disturbingly arousing)

So the President and the Queen have the same desk? Our President sits behind a Queen’s desk? Friggin’ queer.

Cage arguing with children. His Joe Don Baker levels are off the charts right now.

Nicolas, don’t be glib about the Oval Office.

President-napping, I like it.

Well at least they’re using a fictional President and not using that goddam Bush impersonator again.

So he trapped the President in an Underground Railroad tunnel.

“The President’s been what?”

Hot library action!

“So he abducts the President, lets him go and then heads to the Library of Congress? Why?” “Maybe he wants to check out a book.” Wow, Keitel with a zinger.

Jon Voigt and Helen Mirren trying to operate a cell phone—that must be why there’s forty minutes left in the movie.

So tequila led to the creation of Nicolas Cage. That sounds about right.

So the Queen was a Confederate sympathizer. Lousy slag.

Didn’t Ed Harris see National Treasure 1 (NT1)? The bad guy works with the good guy and the good guy wins. Oh that’s right, he’s in National Treasure 2; he definitely didn’t see National Treasure 1.

Mirren’s bustin’ nuts over all that Aztec crap.

When are they gonna find that Injun gold?

The Native Americans achieved a lot of incredible accomplishments, but they were not the best with rope ladders.

How do Indians build a crazy thing like that and they can’t beat a bunch of podunk cowboys?

So Injuns were really into puzzles?

And their hips are broken.

Ew, it’s like watching your grandparents make out. Not that I would know anything about that…

“The water’s going down.” Yeah, thanks Ed; but I think the water going down greatly illustrated that point already.

Well, there’s your City of Gold. Unfortunately, it’s underground. Not as pretty as I thought it would be. Kinda dingy.

So wait, were these guys Aztecs or Olmecs? Which ones were in charge of that Hidden Temple show on SNICK?

“It’s not a puzzle! No more puzzles, Ben!” Ed Harris speaks for all of us.

Weird Ed Harris groan there at the end.

So Voigt, Cage and the wisecrackin’ assistant are all gettin’ some cut-up. Happy ending.

Wacky Ferrari ending.

Screenplay by The Wibberleys? The fuck’s a Wibberley? And why must there be more than one of whatever it is? Sounds like a creepy children’s show.

Overall: One out of Four Happy Ethans. Directing: X Writing: X Acting: V Music: X

The thing I’ll take away the most from this movie is Ed Harris’ weird Grunt of Death. I certainly hope when I die underwater in a Lost City of Gold I don’t groan like that. I wanna go like, “Reeeaarrrgghhhrrreeeaaarrrggghhhh!!!”