Live Free or Die Hard (2007)
According to the summary on my Netflix sleeve, “John McClane is back and badder than ever.” Huh. Are you sure you don’t mean “older than ever?” “Seniler than ever?” “Covered by Social Security better than ever?”
Nothing kicks off an exciting action-packed blockbuster like a computer-hacking scene.
Whoa, don’t ever hook up your home PC to your C4 stockpile.
Hey, it’s the Mac guy. I wonder if he’s hacking on an Apple.
Nice, second base. Ooh, no second base. Damn, if you can’t
get to second base with a college girl in your 2007
Bruce Willis has leukemia. I guess Netflix meant his white blood cell count was “badder than ever.”
Damn, Bruce’s daughter is hot.
I’m probably gonna be just like that when I’m a balding/cancer patient father, picking fights with my daughter’s dates.
Why is Bruce Willis looking in his daughter’s bedroom window? Chemotherapy must do weird pervy things to your brain.
Oh boy, Bruce Willis and the Mac guy on one wacky adventure!
Hot, instant messaging action!
Why does every computer hacker have C4 in his PC? Doesn’t seem very safe…
Oh, so Mac guy’s playing the wise-ass Sophia LeBouef in Transformers character…great.
Dammit, you shitty terrorist gunman! We were within a cunt-hair of no more Die Hard 4 and no more annoying Mac commercials.
Cool gun fights twelve minutes in, sweet.
Damn, I gotta stop shooting fire extinguishers, a lot more dangerous than I thought. Blows ya right out the window.
He had multiple clips on him that night when all he was doing was spying on his daughter. Jeez, who did he think she was dating, Pablo Escobar?
Cool! Big explosion!
“C’mon Mac guy! We have to get back to my car, I need my insulin shot.”
Evil Asian Hacker’s kinda hot.
Master Villain kinda sucks. Just some random Jude Law-lookin’ white dude.
My Bold Prediction: Mac guy ends up dating Bruce’s daughter.
Nice, a little CCR. Ya gots to have a little Creedence in your bad-ass action movie. Mac guy doesn’t like Fogerty. Fuck you, Mac guy! This is why I don’t buy Apple.
“Shut up. Shut the fuck up.” Nice, Bruce Willis speaks for all of us.
Just
‘cause you change the street lights doesn’t mean
everybody turns into a fuckin’ idiot. Don’t you think
you’d still see a car flying in the other direction? Why does every single
person in an action movie lack peripheral vision? Does
Maaco’s gonna have a field day with this one.
I wish I was Bruce Willis’ wacky sidekick. I’d have a lot more zingers than this fool. But they’d mostly be about his cancer haircut and he’d fire me. Ah, it’s all a popularity contest in this town.
Wow, transportation sabotage, anthrax scare, stock market crash, they should’ve called this movie Clusterfuck Hard.
Five days to get water to the Superdome. Whoa, big political statement from the Mac guy. C’mon, it’s the Superdome! They got water fountains. Just break into the concession stands.
“Pull me up a file on this John McClane.” What, you didn’t see the first three Die Hards? I mean, the second one sucked with all the snowmobile chases, but the first one was dope. And Sam Jackson was cool in number three.
Dumb hot-ass Evil Asian Hacker. Oops, Mac Guy recognizes Evil Asian Hacker’s voice.
Ooh, 587’s. Nice code usage, Willis.
“How’s that sound, fuckhead?” Ouch, hard to come back from that one.
Aw man, the guy with the weird freckle on his nose is down. He didn’t even get a chance to explain why he has a weird freckle on his nose. Maybe he got a touch of the leukemia Bruce is going through.
Sweet gunfight #2.
Wow, great timing on the hydrant. I didn’t realize a fire hydrant geyser could take out a helicopter.
“The tunnel!” Lame Master Villain yells.
Nice, four-lane head-on collision action.
Wow, it’s incredible two cars were going at exactly the same speed in the pitch-black dark directly next to each other and put on their brakes at the exact same moment so they could take the brunt of the hit from the car flying directly for them and save Bruce Willis and Mac Guy from certain doom. No really, it’s amazing how that happened. Really amazing.
Another Bruce Willis talking-to-himself scene. Does he have these in his contract? I think I’ve seen one of these in every movie he’s been in.
Flaming
squad car into the helicopter is by far the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, short
of dinosaurs fighting robots. That’s why I can’t wait for that movie coming out
in the third quarter of 2008: Dinosaurs
Fighting Robots, directed by
“Mai, get ready for the downloads,” the Lame Master Villain says lamely.
Oh no, he’s in the server room! That’s a scene that only a nerd would be concerned about. “What will become of the servers?! Heavens no!”
Mac Guy is blown away by the scope of it all. Poor Mac Guy; can’t handle the clusterfuck.
Lame Master Villain looks like he should be hosting E! News, not being a Lame Master Villain.
Lame Master Villain’s hittin’ Sexy Evil Asian Hacker. Nice, Lame Master Villain.
Faking a Congressional explosion? What a terror-tease.
“You’re talkin’ about a whole country full of people.” Better than a whole country full of marbles; you’d fall down every time you tried to walk somewhere. They’d have to create some sort of marble-proof boot…
Oh no, Kevin Smith cameo coming up.
Wow, touching scene about heroes from Bruce. If he wasn’t gonna die of appendix cancer before the end of this movie I’d buy him a drink sometime.
Hey! You can’t shoot Ving Rhames like that! Sexy Evil Asian Hacker, you bitch! Now who’s gonna protect us from the zombies?
Knife vs. gun. Hmm… Wow, knife won, didn’t see that outcome coming.
Duh, she’s Asian. Of course she knows kung fu. C’mon Bruce.
And he’s out the window. Goddam, Ninja Bitch.
Whoa,
truck in the elevator shaft. Another cool/unreal scene.
Kinda stole it from
Despite the fact that she is evil, you can’t avoid the fact that Bruce is fighting a girl.
Weird primal roar from Bruce.
“It’s an e-bomb!” the nerdy hacker says nerdily.
Haha, Lame Master Villain lost his asian girlfriend.
My God, it’s Thomas Gabriel!
This
is really what they should do to
Ooh, and hot-ass Lucy McClane is stuck in an elevator.
I have a feeling this creepy white-haired Homeland Security guy is involved.
A Jenny Craig reference? How old are you, Bruce?
Wow, Lucy McClane is sm-okin’ hot. Get some of that, Mac Guy.
Hey! Piggy back rides! With guns!
Oh shit, I just figured out where Lame Master Villain’s from. He’s Elisha Cuthbert’s pimp from The Girl Next Door. Not like I’ve seen that movie dozens of times…with the sound off…
Lame Master Villain: “Kill this guy and I’ll give you Mai’s cut.”
Foreign Henchman: “Schwam schwam.”
“What? Was that a yes?”
This is like that movie Hackers, except with forty percent less raves.
Let the daughter of the hero talk to her father on the walkie-talkie. What are you an idiot, Lame Master Villain Pimp?
What’d they send, a gymnast with guns after him? Guy’s jumpin’ around like a goddam spider monkey.
Finally, a hair joke from Mac Guy. ‘Bout time, Mac Guy.
If Kevin Smith comes to the rescue again, I’m gonna picket outside Dogma 2. Don’t make me do it, Kevin.
Jets vs. Trucks. That’s gonna be the sequel to my Dinosaurs Fighting Robots film.
Jumping from truck to jet to broken-down bridge; another bad-ass/ridiculously unreal scene.
This movie is more scenes than a full-on movie.
And the token “yippe-ki-yay motherfucker” line. I’m glad I wasn’t in the theater for that one. A buncha fags would’ve been cheering and waving their panties in the air.
Fade out on some Creedence. Nice.
Overall: Two out of Four Happy Ethans. Acting—Bruce Willis doesn’t so much act
as he Bruce Willis’s. And Mac Guy’s great in those Mac commercials. ‘Nuff said.
Directing—Like I said before, this movie was a great amalgamation of scenes. Not so
much a great movie. Writing—Yippe-ki-yay, motherfucker. Again, ‘nuff said. Music—
Typical action movie themes. But Creedence saved the day not once, but twice. As they
always do.
What I’ll take away from this movie most is that John McClane’s daughter is
F-ing hot. Where was she in the first three? ‘Course I guess she would’ve been a baby in
the first one, but still—a hot baby.
And also, I really hope Bruce gets the treatment he needs. You’re gonna beat this
thing, Bruce. I believe in you. And
God
bless you hard.