HolyBirdbyEthanBooker
“And Job begat Osiris. And thus spoke Zarathustra upon our lord and savior. Amen. BWAK!”
The assembled crowd in the church, pews full, responds with an ‘Amen’ and they begin to file out. An elderly woman smiles and approaches the pastor.
“Father, that was a beautiful sermon.”
The pastor responds warmly. “Thank you, my sister. May you go in peace. BWAK!”
A man in the back shakes his head, hands on hips. “That’s the smartest parrot I’ve ever seen.”
That evening in his study, Reverend Parrot is interrupted from his readings by Sister Bertrice.
“Father,
the nuns at the convent in
The pastor sets down his small bird glasses and hops up onto his desk.
“Absolutely. It would be lovely to spread the word to a new flock. BWAK!”
And with that he spreads his wings and soars out the open window, into the dark drizzly night.
An hour into the flight, Reverend Parrot is lost in the fog and he finds himself on the docks as some deckhands are loading their ship for the next morning’s embarking. The pastor lands at their feet and hops toward them.
“Excuse
me fellows, would you happen to know the way to
The salty seamen respond in kind.
“The fuck’d that bird say?”
“He’s prolly gonna shit all over our fuckin’ boat. Get the fuck outta here, bird!”
This goes on for some time until the Reverend gives up and continues on his way, looking back at the deckhands.
“Fuckin’ seamen…”
In confessional, a confused fiancée confuses to Reverend Parrot’s replacement.
“I don’t know if I can go through with this, father. She seems so distant now, a week before our wedding. I’m suddenly questioning everything about my life, maybe I’m not ready for marriage.”
Silence.
“Polly wants a cracker! BWAK!”
Silence.
“Well, her name’s Molly actually. But ya know, you might be onto something there father. Maybe I should stop worrying about my needs and find out what she wants, what’ll make her happy. It’s what she wants that’s important now. Thanks father!”
He runs off and the replacement parrot looks around the booth.
“Polly wants a cracker? BWAK!”
Hours later, in the early morning Reverend Parrot arrives at the convent and is greeted by the excited nuns.
“Ooh, here he is! Father! Father, over here!”
The parrot wanders over to the gaggle of nuns, a perturbed look on his face. He finally breaks the bated calm.
“The fuck’re you lookin’ at, sister?”
The head nun faints with a “My gracious!” and knocks over the rest of the crowd like a bunch of penguin dominos. The pastor looks over the pile of nuns and turns to leave out the window in which he entered.
“Fuck this, I’m flyin’ back home.”
Sister Bertrice is trying to hold up a conversation with the replacement parrot while the Reverend is away.
“But as Ezekiel 19 tells us the chaff does not fall far from the stalk.”
Silence.
“My name’s Polly! BWAK!”
Sister Bertrice rolls her eyes and Reverend Parrot swoops into his office, feathers slightly ruffled, and lands on the desk, stumbling to one side, his eyelids half-cocked.
“Washup Bert?”
Sister Bertrice blinks.
“Wash up?”
Reverend Parrot waves his wing, shaking his beak.
“I shed what’s up sister. What?”
“What.”
“Nothing. (Hiccup) Fuck.”
Sister Bertrice shoots up out of her seat.
“Reverend Parrot, are you drunk?”
“Course I am, you know how long that fuckin’ flight is? Waste of time anyway. They all just fell down when I got there, buncha cheesedicks.”
Sister Bertrice grows more agitated.
“Father, I don’t like your tone. Where did you learn these new words?”
Reverend Parrot leans back in his tiny bird chair and puts his feet up on his tiny bird desk.
“Ughhh, God. It was those cocksucking motherfucking shit piss cunt ass seamen.”
Sister Bertrice blushes.
“Please, sir.”
“Sorry, it was those cocksucking motherfucking shit piss cunt ass shipmen. Swearin’ their asses off. Sounded like so much fun, but now I can’t fuckin’ stop.”
Sister Bertrice moves towards the pastor’s bookshelf.
“I know only one solution.”
“More liquor?”
She plops a giant book down in front of the pastor and it crunches his desk.
“Read this Bible word for word cover to cover and if that filth is not all out of your system by tomorrow we’ll have to roast you and hire Polly here full-time.”
Reverend Parrot’s eyes widen and Polly smiles at him.
“Cracker wants a Polly! BWAK!”
Reverend Parrot’s eyebrows settle.
“That’s the dumbest fucking bird I’ve ever seen in my whole fucking life.”
The next day Sister Bertrice and the other nuns are in the back pew of another packed house as the morning’s sermon is about to begin. One of the sisters turns to another one.
“We should really speak to those shipmen on the docks. They nearly tore our church to the ground singlehandedly with their pottymouths.”
“Shh, the sermon’s starting.”
At the front pulpit, the sermon begins.
“Crackers are good! BWAK!”
A resounding ‘Amen’ erupts from the crowd and Polly grins.
“Crackers are very good! BWAK!”
Sister Bertrice gets up and sidles past the other nuns, heading for the restroom, turning to Angela on the end.
“Ooh,
that Reverend went right through me.”