The
Tuk, an ex-Sunni militia mercenary is eating alone in a
café in
“We have been searching all over the city for you, Tukshin,” one of the men says quietly.
Tuk glances up from his bowl, soup dripping down his chin, “I’ve been here the whole time.”
The man leans closer, “Where’s the money, Tukshin?”
Tuk shrugs, staring down at his bowl, “What money?”
The man slams his fist down on the table, arousing the interests of an elderly couple dining nearby, “You know very well what I am speaking of Tukshin al-Aarqwai! Tell us the whereabouts of the stolen money or you will be expelled from the militia.”
Tuk smiles into his soup, “I left the militia long ago.”
“There is only one true way to
leave the militia,” the man replies, drawing a gun on Tuk
as the elderly couple and the café owner quietly shuffle outside.
Tuk grins at the three men, “No, there is another.”
In a flash, Tuk brings his revolver up from under the table and hits all three men squarely between the eyes before his former colleague can pull his trigger once.
Tuk hustles out of the café and down the dusty side road to the astonishment of the café owner and the couple waiting on the street. The owner begins to head back inside when the elderly man grabs his arm, “Can we get some more bread at our table?”
~~~
Sgt. Lee and Sgt. Grant are strolling down a busy city street disguised as insurgents, rifles in hand, as a group of schoolchildren play soccer behind them.
Sgt.
Lee hacks up a chunk of phlegm and spits it out as Sgt. Grant stares at him,
shaking his head, “It’s that Gulf War Syndrome, man.”
Sgt. Lee squints into the sun,
wiping his runny nose on his sleeve, “There’s no such thing as Gulf War
Syndrome; just liberal propaganda. I think I got something from that massage
parlor.”
Sgt. Grant shakes his head, smiling at a young Iraqi woman as she passes, “Certainly didn’t get a massage.”
“So let’s go over this again. We changed into this insurgent garb; now we just hijack a jeep and start heading West ‘til we hit the Iranian border. And then there’s a cave full of gold?”
“Not gold, dude. I told you, American dollars.”
Sgt. Lee shifts his rifle to the other shoulder, “American dollars. In the middle of the desert. What?”
Sgt.
Grant explains as they pass a dilapidated wall with an old mural of President
Hussein looking off proudly into a setting sun, “Saddam stored caches of money
all over his kingdom, near the borders. At a moment’s notice he could flee
“All hail Zagros,” Sgt. Lee mutters as he spits out another phlegm chunk at the foot of a passing Iraqi man who glares at him. “Man, that Saddam was a pretty clever cat. You see any jeeps?”
Sgt.
Grant points at one a block ahead of them. They climb inside and Sgt. Grant proceeds to hotwire the jeep while Sgt. Lee watches the kids
playing from the passenger’s seat, “So how do we know which cave it is? I don’t
wanna walk in the wrong one and bump into Osama.”
Sgt. Grant grunts as he
fiddles under the wheel, “It’s got a sign out front; says something in Arabic.”
“What does it say,” Sgt. Lee asks, snickering. “Saddam’s Cash Cache?”
Sgt. Grant finally gets the jeep started when Sgt. Lee hears a high-pitched squealing sound behind them, “Is it supposed to make that noise?”
He turns around in time to see a shoulder-mounted missile hit the rear bumper and the jeep explodes into flames. Sgt. Lee is thrown clear and gets up only to see Sgt. Grant rolling in the dirt, trying to extinguish the flames engulfing his body.
Sgt. Lee slides to his knees beside a smoldering, shivering Sgt. Grant as shots ring out around them. Sgt. Grant’s flesh is falling off like cheese off a slice of pizza and he’s shaking in shock. Sgt. Lee shouts at the top of his lungs, “Grant! Grant!”
Sgt. Grant’s eyes roll back and he mutters, “Guess I’m not gonna see Saddam’s Cash Cache.”
He starts to fade and Sgt. Lee lightly taps his raw face, “Grant!”
“Make sure you get my cut to my wife.”
Sgt. Lee nods as Sgt. Grant’s eyes close. He starts to stand up when Sgt. Grant groans and grabs his arm, pointing at his old friend, “And don’t you fuck her.”
Sgt. Lee laughs and a tear forms in the corner of his eye as he stands up and points a pistol at Sgt. Grant’s head. He shuts his eyes and fires twice, walking away as bullets whiz by all around him.
~~~
Tuk is on the outskirts of the city, a couple blocks from the street gunfight Sgt. Lee just walked away from, when the former militiaman is met by a pair of US soldiers on patrol.
One of the soldiers smiles, pointing at Tuk’s hip, “Hey there Kareem, that’s a helluva bulge you got there. Is that a pistol under your toga or are you just happy to see Democracy in action?”
The other soldier laughs and they point their rifles at Tuk who holds his hands up in surrender.
Just then, a man in heavy body armor with a semi-auto handgun comes up behind the soldiers, stogie hanging on his lips, “Hey!”
The two turn in time to catch a glimpse of the private contractor shoulder patch and one of them starts to say, “That’s—” before he drops them with two shots.
Tuk grins and holds out his hand, “Thank you, sir!”
The man grabs Tuk’s hand, pulls it behind his back and leads him down the road to a pair of ISF soldiers.
“I believe there is a reward for this man?”
Moments later the man is walking away, smiling with a fistful of cash as Tuk yells after him, “You’re dead! You hear me? Dead!”
~~~
Hours later, the ISF have lined up a firing squad of ten soldiers to execute Tuk. The private contractor watches from a rooftop in the distance and begins picking them off one-by-one with an air rifle. After three men are shot the rest scatter and the man makes his way to the wall where Tuk is still standing, gagged and blindfolded.
Tuk smiles and pats the man on the back as he hands Tuk half the reward money, “We did it again my friend! We’re a good team you and me.”
The man nods and starts walking away, “That was the last time. I’m heading West.”
Tuk follows after him, “There’s small towns out West, we can keep doing this. Why stop now?”
“I’m
going to cross into
“Are you crazy? They’ll kill you over there!”
“They haven’t here. I’ll be fine. I have enough now that I can set up in a small village and live a quiet life.”
Tuk scoffs as he struggles to keep up with the man’s quick pace, “Where’s the fun in that?”
~~~
Hours later, Tuk and the contractor are miles down the road in the middle of the desert as Sgt. Lee passes them in a hijacked jeep. Tuk has not stopped talking since they left the city and the man is getting fed up.
Tuk wipes his brow and takes off his turban, “Allah, it’s hot out here.”
“You live here.”
“Yeah well, not in the middle of the desert. I’ve got air conditioning.”
“Then go back to your air conditioning.”
“We’re partners. Businessmen.”
“We’re not partners.”
Tuk looks around at the endless horizon surrounding them,
“Sure is quiet out here.”
“And yet you keep talking.”
“Can I have some water?”
Finally the man spins around on Tuk, hauls back and wallops him, dropping him to the ground with a punch that breaks his left hand. He screams out into the silence shaking his hand, standing over the unconscious Tuk. With his right hand he reaches down, picks up Tuk’s gun, tucks it in his belt and continues West.
~~~
Sgt. Lee is driving through a ghost town in the stolen jeep, singing along to a Tupac tape stuck in the cassette deck as a vulture watches him pass from atop a chimney on one of the abandoned buildings.
~~~
Hours later Tuk awakes, his face beating red, and reaches down for his gun. He staggers to his feet, looks around at the emptiness and the man’s footprints heading West and screams out in rage.
~~~
As
the sun sets the private contractor books himself a room in a hotel two towns over
as three
“That’s him, the one that went AWOL,” the head soldier says. “He’s been running scams for reward money with a noted insurgent. One Mr. Tukshin al-Aarqwai.”
The second soldier shakes his head, “Working with the enemy. Crazy bastard.”
The youngest of the three soldiers is excitedly holding his rifle, “Alright, how are we gonna do this thing? Just bust in there and shoot his ass?”
The head soldier shakes his head, “No no, we have to think this through. We have to be subtle.”
~~~
The cold desert night leaves Tuk shivering when he comes upon the town the contractor is resting in. He checks the hotel ledger on a hunch and heads back outside as the soldiers plot their attack across the street. Tuk stops in a nearby gun shop and re-arms himself with a portion of his reward money.
The contractor has taken off his pants and is about to climb into bed when Tuk comes crashing in through the window, guns drawn. The man falls on his ass and puts a hand on his chest, “Jeez Louise, you spooked me. You couldn’t use the door?”
The three soldiers burst through the door and Tuk and the man freeze. The first soldier stares at the other two annoyed and shouts, “Well c’mon! Shoot ‘em! Shoot ‘em!”
The youngest soldier points his rifle at the contractor, grumpy, “This was my plan two hours ago!”
Tuk quickly grabs the pantsless contractor and they leap out the two-story window and hit the ground running before the soldiers can react.
The youngest soldier looks excited and holds something up to the other two, “Look, free pants!”
~~~
As the sun comes up the next morning Tuk is marching the pantsless/gunless private contractor West through the desert.
After another few hours of walking further West, the man collapses from exhaustion, “Please Tukshin, some water.”
Tuk smiles down at the man and points his gun at the ground, “Oh, now you want the water.”
The man stares up at Tuk and raises his hands, “Please. Don’t.”
Tuk cocks the revolver, “Give me one good reason.”
The man coughs raspily, “There’s a cave; near the Iranian border, at the
foot of the
Tuk uncocks the gun and puts it away, stroking his chin, “More money than I’ll ever need, eh?”
He picks the man up and dusts him off, “If we keep heading West, you’re gonna have to dress like the locals, like me. Let’s go find you some clothes.”
“Let’s start with pants,” the man suggests, looking down, walking with his hands in front of himself.
~~~
An hour later Tuk and the man are leaving another ghost town; the man now with a native Iraqi outfit covering his body armor. Tuk squints at the hazy horizon and sees a group of bodies coming towards them, murmuring under his breath, “Uh oh.”
He turns to the contractor and points to the hill ahead, “I think we’re wearing the wrong uniforms.”
Moments later they’re surrounded by US soldiers and being escorted North to a temporary Army base.
Sgt. Lee has just returned from the Iranian border after a fruitless search for the money cave and is discussing Sgt. Grant’s demise with some of his old boot camp buddies when he hears Tuk shouting, “Please, we know of a cave near here! It’s full of money! Just let us go and we’ll split it with you!”
“Shut up, Tukshin!” the contractor hisses.
Sgt. Lee smiles and approaches the two men, motioning to the other soldiers, “I’ll take care of these two, fellas.”
He takes them into a tent and begins grilling Tuk on the location of the cave. After listening to Tuk’s rambling responses, it becomes clear the contractor is the only one who is certain of the whereabouts of the money.
“What’s your name, man? You don’t look like you belong in that Jawa costume.”
Tuk glares at Sgt. Lee as the man responds, “That’s not important. What is important is the money.”
Sgt. Lee leans back in his seat, wiping his nose on his sleeve, “You willing to split it?”
The man shrugs, “I don’t see any other way out of this camp.”
Sgt. Lee nods. Tuk trades glances between the two Americans, “Hey! What about me?”
They ignore him and exit the tent. Tuk’s about to get up and follow them when two soldiers with heavy artillery enter the tent to stand guard. Tuk sits back down and stares at the soldiers, “Can I get a sandwich or something?”
~~~
The contractor and Sgt. Lee take off in his jeep as the soldiers begin to escort Tuk to his second execution attempt in as many days. The cloud of dust from the jeep confuses the guards and Tuk, with his wrists roped together, takes off running. After the dust settles the guards look around for their prisoner in vain.
Sgt. Lee turns up the Tupac tape and the contractor turns it back down, staring off to the South.
Sgt. Lee glances at the man and back toward the mountain range rising up before them, “So you’re one of them private contract soldiers? Just in it for the money, huh?”
The man shakes his head, “I used to be in the Army.”
“What happened?”
“Dishonorable discharge.”
“What’d you do?”
The man glances at Sgt. Lee and back toward desert to the South.
Sgt. Lee nods, hacking up a loogie and spitting it out, “That’s cool. So how’d you hear about the money?”
“It’s why I got discharged,” the man explains. “I found it and started shipping portions of it back home until my superior found out. I was able to sneak out of the barracks the night before I was to be sent back home and shifted all the money to a different cave before the Army could confiscate it all.”
Sgt. Lee grins, shaking his head, “So you came back to finish the job. How much is really out there?”
The man cracks a
rare smile, lighting a cigarette, “Too much. I’m just gonna
grab a couple million, buy a boat to the
Sgt. Lee turns the Tupac back up and shouts over it, “I’m gonna buy a ’68 Camaro like my Uncle used to have. Drive across the country. I’m gonna get speeding tickets in all forty-eight states!”
The man grins and nods his head to the beat as the jeep speeds off.
~~~
Tuk, after finally getting the ropes off his wrists, is washing his face in a small creek near another ghost town when he is approached from behind by one of the soldiers who followed his footsteps in the sand from the Army base. He cocks a gun and snickers as a moist Tuk turns around.
“Well howdy-doo, Akbar. Wanna sell me a Slushee?”
Tuk glares at the soldier but stays frozen.
“You’re probably
wondering how I found you all the way out here. It might be too complex for
your simple mind to comprehend, but I’ll try. You see, when somebody walks or,
in your case, runs through deep sand like you have here in
Tuk cuts the soldier off mid-sentence with a shot to the gut from his hidden hip-holster and the soldier drops to his knees before planting his face in the sand. Tuk glares down at the soldier before continuing his bath in the creek, muttering, “Talk too damn much.”
Across town, Sgt. Lee and the contractor are parked and eating some of the provisions Sgt. Lee packed when they hear the gunshot. The man draws his pistol and gets out of the jeep, turning back to Sgt. Lee, “I’ll go check it out.”
Sgt. Lee nods and continues eating.
The man travels a half-mile East to the brook and surprises a still-bathing Tuk.
Tuk glares at the contractor, “What are you doing here? You
should be in
The man smiles and motions back in the direction he came from, “That soldier’s got sandwiches. You hungry?”
Tuk nods, his stomach growling loudly, “Yeah kinda.”
“What say we team up for old time’s sake? Get rid of this fool.”
Tuk dries himself off on his robes and pulls out his revolver, smiling, “Let’s roll.”
By the time they get back to where Sgt. Lee was parked, the jeep is gone and the treadmarks show him heading North.
Tuk shrugs, “Well, at least he isn’t going West.”
The man squints off into the distance but can see nothing, “That’s what worries me most.”
~~~
That evening Tuk and the contractor come within a mile of the base of the mountains but stop short as they hear a lot of commotion over the next hill. They crawl on their hands and knees to the top and peek down in the valley to find a legion of insurgents battling with a troop of US soldiers in a massive gunfight.
The man shakes his head, “We’re gonna have to rest here for the night and wait this out. The cave is right on the other side of those soldiers.”
“Why do you think they’re fighting all the way out here?”
The man shrugs, “They must’ve stumbled upon a camp of insurgents on one of their routine patrols.”
Tuk glances at the contractor and back at the fight, “They’re not insurgents. They’re freedom fighters.”
The man smirks, “Right, my mistake.”
The two men plan
to sleep in two-hour shifts while the other monitors the fight but by
~~~
The next morning Tuk wakes up first and climbs to the top of the hill again to find the valley completely empty. He grins, glances back at the contractor—still slumbering—and begins to make his way down the hill towards the cave. He makes his way inside the dark cavern and starts digging with his hands.
After an hour of digging the contractor walks up behind Tuk with a shovel. Tuk turns around and jumps back, holding his hands up, “Please, I was just—”
The man smiles, “Just trying to get a head-start, I know.”
He hands Tuk the shovel, “I found this outside, should make it easier.”
Tuk smiles and turns back to the small hole, digging deeper, while the man leans against one of the cavern walls and lights a cigarette.
After another hour of digging with no results the men hear a cough and a spit at the cavern entrance and Sgt. Lee enters the cave grinning, his gun trained on the treasure hunters, “Thought I might find you fellas here. I’ll be taking that money now.”
Tuk wipes his brow and sticks the shovel in the dirt, taking a break, “Haven’t found it yet.”
Tuk and Sgt. Lee glare at each other, untrusting, until the contractor breaks the silence, “It’s not here.”
They both stare at him and he starts to make his way back outside, “Let’s discuss this in the sunlight.”
The three men stand in a close circle outside the entrance to the cave and the contractor throws his cigarette to the ground and steps on it.
“Since I’m the only one here who knows where the money is, I’m gonna call the shots from here on out.”
Sgt. Lee presses the nozzle of his semi-auto against Tuk’s stomach and pulls the trigger. Tuk flies back about ten feet into the mouth of the cave and lays there motionless like Sgt. Grant days earlier. Sgt. Lee then draws the gun on the contractor, “What was that about you calling the shots?”
The man calmly puts his hands up, staring deep into Sgt. Lee’s eyes, “You pull that trigger again, you walk away with nothing.”
Sgt. Lee thinks about this for a moment then nods and lowers his gun, “Sorry about shooting your friend, but c’mon. You know he woulda double-crossed you in the end anyway. You can’t trust these insurgents.”
The man picks up the shovel and starts walking North. Sgt. Lee follows as the man replies, “He wasn’t an insurgent. He was a freedom fighter.”
~~~
The two Americans march about a mile North to a cave with a sign out front, just like Sgt. Grant had described. The contractor begins digging in the back of the cave.
After three hours of digging, the contractor climbs out and motions to Sgt. Lee to check it out. Sgt. Lee leans over the hole and the contractor quickly spins and cracks him in the back of the head with the shovel. Sgt. Lee drops into the hole as the contractor stares down at him, lighting a cigarette before turning around and exiting the cave.
~~~
The man returns to the original cave and kneels down next to Tuk, splashing his face with some water. Tuk’s eyes slowly open and when he sees the contractor he smiles and whispers, “Friend.”
The man helps him to his feet and Tuk lifts up his robes, revealing the man’s body armor and he peels the flattened bullet off his stomach, “Good thing I borrowed this when you were sleeping.”
The man pats his chest and looks up at Tuk, “I should shoot you dead right here.”
Tuk smiles, “Just try to aim for the face, though. The Sergeant already made that mistake once today.”
The two men laugh and re-enter the cave.
After a couple
more hours of digging in the hole Tuk had started
that morning, the men lift a large Army chest up out of the hole and crack it
open. Rolls of hundreds are stacked on top of each other to the very brim of
the foot locker and Tuk leaps into the air, too giddy
and weary to hold in his excitement any longer, “Whoo!
Sweet gravy, look at all that moolah! We’re rich! We
can move to the
Tuk turns around to share a high-five and is met with the butt of the man’s gun and slumps to the floor.
~~~
Tuk wakes up that evening after the sun has set with a throbbing headache. He searches the cave frantically but the man is long gone. He screams at the top of his lungs and it reverberates around the cavern until he notices the Army foot locker still in the corner of the cave.
He rushes over and opens it back up to find nearly seventy-five percent of the money is still there. His face beams and he reaches in to feel the money between his filthy fingers.
At the top of the pile is a note: “Dear Tukshin, Sorry for the knockout, but you really do talk too much sometimes. It was nice working with you this past year and I have left you a portion of the treasure in order that you may retire in style. Maybe rebuild one of those ghost towns we passed through and take over as the Sheriff.
Take care, Tukshin.
Sincerely, Your Friend.
PS: This has been bothering me, how the hell did you get my body armor off my chest without me waking up? Email me when you get settled down.”
Tuk chuckles, pockets the note and begins to drag the chest on the long journey back to civilization.