Ed Wood (1994)

            Johnny Depp and Tim Burton—it worked the other thirteen times they tried it, why not now? I still prefer Frankenweiner.

            What’s that lesbian doing in a coffin? It’s raining outside, you silly lesbian!

            Thank God for Bill Murray.

            So far, it’s just a Treehouse of Horror opening.

            An effeminate Bill Murray, hilarious.

            And yes Sarah, you do have a horse face. Hey, I didn’t say it, you brought it up. The old queen was right.

            The black and white’s starting to piss me off and we’re about fifteen minutes in.

            That’s how you make it in show business. You give a senile old actor a ride home. Except Ed Wood never really made it in show business, so never mind.

            “Get me transvestites! I need transvestites!”

            The moment your girlfriend figures out you’re a crossdresser always gets alittle sticky.

            “Goodbye penis!”

            This Criswell lesbian sure is a handsome lady.

            Rented out The Brown Derby. If this Ed Wood dork just directed a movie about himself he would’ve made a fortune. And everybody would’ve thought he was a bigger asshole than they already thought he was. But a rich asshole.

            “I’m allergic to liquids.” Liquid allergy must suck.

            Mmm, cat fight. That should be a TV show on Cinemax. Catfights. Followed by Dogfights. Girls wrestling and then dogs killing each other. Now that’s good television.

            “A million times better.” “Is that even possible?”

            “I heard you were becoming a lady.” “Oh, that.”

            Every film needs a good mariachi band, or a bad one even.

            Bill Murray’s stealing the fuck out of this movie.

            “I thought you were a fag.” “No no, I’m just a transvestite.”

            Lugosi was the first celebrity ever to end up in rehab? What a quitter.

            Spook House? I wish Burton wouldn’t always feel obligated to fall back on these racial stereotypes.

           I honestly didn’t know Ed Wood liked to crossdress. I need a girl that would accept me dressing in woman’s clothes. Not that I ever would, it’s just comforting to know I’ve got that option if the need ever arises. Ya never know when you’re gonna have to wear panties.

            “Look at his head, it’s uncanny!” Poor guy’s got a Lugosi head.

            “Audiences always liked it when I sparkled.” Bill Murray strikes again.

            “These Baptists are stupid stupid stupid!” Amen, brotha.

            Oh god, here we go with the angora again.

            Hollywood needs another Ed Wood. Directors aren’t ballsy anymore. And they all dress like men.

            I think Charlton Heston can play a Mexican. Don’t give up the dream, Charlton. And stop pointing that gun at me, I’m on your side.

            I can’t wait to finally write my own Plan 9 From Outer Space.

            The final clip of Bill Murray being orbited by the mariachi band and eyeing them hungrily might be the funniest piece of work he’s ever done.

            Shouldn’t every film end in “Filmed in Hollywood, USA”? Except, of course, the ones not filmed in Hollywood, USA.

 

Overall:          Three out Four Happy Ethans. Acting – yup. Directing – yup. Writing – yup yup yup. Music – not amazing, which isn’t as crucial for a comedy. This move just furthers my conviction that I must kill Johnny Depp and wrap his flesh around my body and become him. Except he’s getting old now. I’m still young and vivrant, so I dunno. Maybe I won’t kill him and wear him.