Day of the Dead 2: Contagium
(2005)
Though this film is named Day of the Dead 2, it is supposed to be a prequel to the third film in Romero’s zombie lexicon. Seems like it should be called Day of the Dead -1. Oh and it also has nothing to do with George Romero. So basically the title is useless. But there will be zombies and bad acting, which equals another wacky ethanbooker.com movie review!
So
Cool model helicopter flying by. They didn’t have enough money in their budget to rent a chopper? How much is a helicopter ride? Twelve bucks?
Oops, he stole the zombie juice!
And the bad acting is off to a rousing start.
Hmm, everybody’s running away from this room, covered in blood…I think I’ll go in there and investigate!
Russian Cold War zombies, they’re the worst.
How did the entire army let this one dumb guy in an ugly shirt with a vial of zombie juice escape the compound? Do they have blinders on like a racehorse? No peripheral vision?
“Raar, we are zombies, raar!”
Wow, don’t cut yourself by accident during a zombie outbreak. Any sign of blood and they put a bullet in your head.
“Jesus, this is just like Florida,” the Sergeant shouts strangely/emphatically.
Oh, I’m out of bullets. I better slowly start backing up and continue to check if my gun has bullets. Nope, still no bullets. Oh no, zombies are eating me. I’m dead.
“What is immortality?” Oh God, no philosophical questions in my crappy zombie movie, please.
Great, retarded mental patients. Am I still allowed to make fun of retards or did they revoke that right at the turn of the new century? Fuck it, I’m going for it. What are they gonna do, sue me? They’d have to fill out forms and stuff.
“Well, I kinda like Spaghetti Wednesdays,” says the gay black mental patient with dreadlocks.
And they found the zombie juice vial.
Crazy black dreadlock guy called it, “Treasure!”
So they’re not only gonna be zombies, they’re gonna be mentally-retarded zombies. They’ll probably just start eating each other.
“I am on break.” Crazy people have breaks? Crazy people work?
“Everyone knows you screw anyone for a penny!” “You got it wrong! Emma’s a cutter! You’re the junkie ho and I don’t see anybody offering you a penny for it!” Oh snap! Crazy girl catfight!
“Did you find anything out there today that I can sell on the internet?” What? They were picking up trash in a ravine, how could you possibly sell ravine-trash on the internet? Ravinetrash.com?
Crazy people sex. Yeech.
Yeah that’s a great idea, Doc. Take the male patient back to his dorm and let the creepy guard escort the female patient.
There’s like eight patients in this whole institution.
What the hell, it’s like a space vial. Pretty impressive for the 1960’s. So zombies come from outer space? Or did we just have really advanced vial technology back in the sixties?
“I’m borrowing the other thing for a little while.” “Keep it. This is the one I like.” Everybody in this film has a brilliant future in softcore porn.
“They didn’t break the rules.” “We let science decide.” Huh?
Uh oh, they’ve already developed the zombie cough.
Nice, doctor’s got a date with the hot nurse. Too bad he’s gonna die in the zombie apocalypse before Saturday.
“It’s column-shaped, about five inches long, half an inch across at the middle.” If you’re a writer, don’t you go over your script a couple times before you hand it in? Wouldn’t you notice a line like that on a second pass? Mine’s more Roman pillar-shaped, anyway. Like the Coliseum.
I usually read my emails out loud as I type them, too. You know, so the audience knows what I’m typing.
And now they all see orbs flying over their heads. Is this still a zombie movie, or did Netflix jam two movies into the same sleeve by accident?
Aw, crazy black dreadlock guy’s foaming at the mouth. He was the only one I liked in this dumb movie.
“You know what I’m in the mood for? Some really greasy sausages.” See? I told you, great futures in the softcore industry.
Now we’ve got zombies.
What? They all felt her getting slapped. They can all feel each other’s pain? This is like every woman’s dream.
Ew, c’mon Crazy Dreadlocks, stop picking at your boils.
The head of the mental institution has the dumbest bow tie ever. And that’s saying something, ‘cause bow ties are pretty dumb to begin with.
“From now on I’m the only one allowed in this corridor.” Corridor hog.
Haha, creepy rapist guard’s a zombie now. Poetic justice.
“Of course you’re feelin’ odd. You’re a mental patient.”
“And of course it just gets better and better.” Surely he’s not talking about this movie.
Yeah, give the dangerous zombie juice vial to Crazy Dreadlocks.
Man! These crazy people are actin’ crazy! What’s goin’ on here?
Please don’t take your fingernails off! Jesus Gregory Christ!
Stop talkin’ to the zombie, Bow Tie Guy, he can’t hear you.
Finally, Bow Tie Guy’s dead.
I haven’t even mentioned the lesbian obsession subplot with the one cutter girl and her friend.
Whoa, ripped his head clean off there. Creepy rapist guard zombie’s on a roll.
“I have the same mark on my chest that he does.” You idiots, those are your nipples!
Please, somebody eat the crazy latino junkie ho, I can’t stand that accent another minute.
“A patient gone haywire” ?! He ripped the dude’s head clean off! Yeah, he’s goin’ a little haywire over there with the manual decapitations and all.
“Hey! You’re ruining my tattoo! Stop biting it!”
Whoa, flamethrower! Sweet.
Man, those zombies are mean.
Damn, that zombie got pregnant quick. They had sex, like…yesterday.
Wait, why did a hand just burst out of that guy’s chest?
Yeah, hang onto that street sign buddy. That’ll help you from the zombies gnawing on you.
Well there ya go, the zombies won again. They always seem to.
The thing I’ll take away most from this movie is that it’s over. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I am free at last. So that’s what Dr. King was talkin’ about.
Overall: Zero out of Four Happy Ethans. Acting—Nope. Directing—Nope. Writing—NOPE. Music—Nope.
This one wasn’t even really a good bad movie, like Point Break or Shark Attack 2. It was just bad. George Romero would be spinning in his grave if he wasn’t still alive.
Now,
if you don’t mind, I’m gonna excuse myself and go eat
some brains. Braaaainnnnnssss!!!!