Day of the Dead (2008)

Tag: Deeez Zombiez B Wild’N Out!

From the director of Friday the 13^th 2 comes this straight-to-video blockbuster starring Nick Cannon. I bet he says something wacky when he gets chomped like, “Daayaaaammmn!”

Whoa, and we’re immediately a movie. Jumpin’ right into this one. At least give me a slow credit sequence so I can get situated over here. A black screen, some screaming, fake news reports of the outbreak, something.

Man, this zombie apocalypse traffic jam is bogus!

Yeah, walk around an abandoned building full of zombies with a candle, playing Marco Polo. Brilliant.

Ving Motherfucking Rhames. I love it.

Uh oh, you’re kid’s a zombie. At least you don’t have to buy him that Wii he’s been whinin’ about anymore.

Hey, let’s go bang in this abandoned zombie complex.

Not a good first date, nosebleeding on your lady-friend.

Whoa, big slam on Celine Dion out of nowhere. Very anti-Canadian.

“I’ll give you money.” Girls aren’t a big fan of that line, Spike.

Sorta-hot chick walkin’ through the woods alone for no apparent reason: a zombie’s favorite appetizer.

That zombie doesn’t like belly button skin, I guess. Just threw it out. An Indian Zombie eats every part of the human.

Nick Cannon jumps out of the jeep and immediately incorporates “Be all you can be” into his first line.

Dorky Soldier’s definitely gonna hook up with cute American Pie/Beauty girl.

Boo, American Pie girl breaks up her brother’s makeout session.

Little brother’s girl is bangin’. And I saw her brassiere. Yup, I totally just got laid.

American Pie girl’s gonna have to shoot her mom in the head. I always thought it’d be Tara Reid doing that.

Across town took them from mid-day to pitch-black night. How big is this little Colorado town?

Phone’s dead? Doesn’t the Army have walkie-talkies or something?

I wonder how vegetarian’s feel about becoming zombies? They must be pissed/hungry for brains.

This is why I didn’t go to medical school; in a zombie apocalypse doctors are the first one’s gettin’ chomped. That and I’m dumb.

She done been zombified!

Weird, unnecessary CSI/House-ish animation showing how the zombie virus works.

So he has a normal face, the zombie virus hits and then his face is all pusy and melting. Odd.

Wait, that one zombie was just eating newspaper!

If the girl in the woods was the appetizer, the fat guy with the ponytail’s the main course and some of the dessert.

Yes, a crutch in the door will hold them back.

Dang, Ving Rhames is fuckin’ those zombies up.

Aw, and he’s dead.

Dorky Soldier (slamming Zombie Scientist against wall): “What the hell was that? You almost got me killed!” Zombie Scientist: “What are you talking about?” Me: “Yeah seriously, Dorky Soldier, what are you talking about? Did I miss something here?”

Zombies crawling on the ceilings, jumping a couple stairs in the air? Are they on steroids?

Yeah, the woods—best place to avoid zombies. Unless they’re bear zombies. Oooh, Bear Zombies.

These zombies have no manners.

One of the survivors always has to be annoying and negative. It’s a rule. Then you feel good when they have to shoot him in the head.

“Oh God, Oh God, Oh God,” the brave little brother whimpers while running.

I love listening to fat guys yell. Angry fat guys are one of the few joys in my life.

At least he gets to stare at American Pie girl’s ass when they’re crawling through the vents.

Aw dammit, Nick Cannon’s still alive. For some reason his name’s Salazar. They do realize he’s black, right?

Zombie Ving!

American Pie girl looks scared and amused at the same time.

Ooh, Zombie Ving chomped Dorky Soldier.

“I put bleach on it!” Oh, then he’s fine.

Haha, Fat Guy said ‘kumquat.’ Ew, his breasts jiggle when he laughs.

Zombie Mom.

“See a black man with a sharp stick, it’s supposed to be a spear.” Isn’t that the dictionary definition of a spear?

Fountain zombie fight.

Wow, zombies are extremely flammable.

“This some bullshit!” Yeah Nick, the zombie apocalypse is “some bullshit.”

Getting’ hungry for brains yet, Dorky Soldier?

Jeez, I have nosebleeds all the time. I’d be fucked in a zombie apocalypse, even if I hadn’t been bit.

Dorky Soldier’s fallin’ apart in that Humvee.

Little brother is Shia Labeoufing all over this movie.

C’mon Nick Cannon, no black guys in Colorado are that urban.

Damn, just run Zombie Mom over, why don’t you?

Little brother’s hot girlfriend is about to get chomped by the town MILF.

Eat all the brains that you can eat in the Army Reserve.

Vegetarian Zombie. My God.

Well that plan worked for about a minute.

Why are the zombies eating another zombie? What good does that do?

“Look like a Puffy video.” ‘Cause you’re black and you can only relate things in reality to rap videos. We get it, Nick Cannon.

They stumbled upon the zombie lab. Not good.

Zombie Scientist was behind it all. Makes sense, him being a Zombie Scientist and all.

American Pie girl is feisty when she’s angry. I like it.

Yeah, those were my zombie times.

Zombie Scientist gets his ass skinned. Well, not his ass literally. His person. Mostly his chest. And this one didn’t throw away the belly button flesh.

Yay! Nick Cannon’s dead! Go host TRL or something.

Overall: Zero out of Four Happy Ethans. Directing: X Writing: X Acting: X Music: X

What I learned from this film is that there is a life after American Pie. Unfortunately that life goes straight-to-video. I also learned that zombies are entirely too flammable. The zombie virus must be half gasoline.