Blood Diamond (2006)

Leo and a buncha black people. It’s like Titanic, except instead of a ship capsizing, it’s an entire continent.

Tribal drums right from the get-go, didn’t see that one coming. Ya know Hollywood, they have other instruments in Africa besides drums. I’m just sayin’…

Starring Seal, apparently.

Oh great, subtitles. I didn’t come here to read.

Here come the militants. Bumpin’ some tight African hip-hop, nice.

Guys in the back of pickup trucks with guns. Reminds me of home.

Hey, that twelve-year-old’s a good shot. I wish he was in my genocidal African truck gang.

Hey! It’s David Alan Grier (with muscles), crime boss.

Choppin’ dude’s hands off. Gross.

“Long sleeve or short sleeve?” Nice hand-chopping joke, gangbanger. He must be the cut-up of the genocidal African truck gang. Cut-up? Get it?!!!!!?

“Long sleeve or short sleeve?” (Everybody in the gang laughs again) Hmm, not as funny the second time around.

They find diamonds in rivers? I’ll be damned, I thought they were in caves. Because they’re diamond miners. You can’t mine rivers…until know. Ya learn something new about Africa every day.

Conflict zones in Africa? So Africa, then.

Trying to sneak your own diamonds. C’mon you didn’t think David Alan Grier would catch you?

I’m guessin’ Leo’s in that plane.

What the hell is that accent? British? Australian? Sierra Leonean?

Captain Rambo? Cool name, gangbanger.

Hey! You took my cigarette, Rambo. I was smokin’ that.

Captain Rambo and Commander Zero, it’s like a weird knockoff Asian comic book. I wanna be Sergeant Awesome.

Commander Zero looks like a diabetic Phife Dawg.

Smuggling diamonds in goats? C’mon Leo!

Ooh, David Alan Grier, coppin’ a feel.

Damn Seal, that’s the biggest diamond I’ve ever seen.

Seal and Leo in a Sierra Leonean prison, that’s rough.

“This big. Biggest I have ever seen!” That’s what she (David Alan Grier) said.

Whoa, naked Seal.

Sierra Leone doesn’t look that bad. Lotta…culture.

My cockney chimneysweep accent is better than British Leo. Crikey.

Man, British Leo gets all the African hookers.

What? Monica and Bill? How old is the news in Africa?

Not British Leo, Rhodesian Leo. My bad.

I gotta say, this girl’s attractive, but not Rhodesian Leo-attractive. He can do better.

“In America it’s bling-bling, but out here it’s bling-bang.” And I officially hate whoever wrote this. Why are white people always at least a decade behind on black slang?

“Talk to the whites. Talk to the whites.” Africans, always pushin’ it off on the white man. Keepin’ the white man down.

Damn, I need a nice South African plantation like that. Nice place to unwind.

Oh shit, the Colonel is The Mummy! And the bad guy from season four of 24.

Finally, Rhodesian Leo finds Seal.

Is it mining if you’re in a river? River-mining?

Seal: singer, husband, bellhop.

I have a feeling Seal’s son is gonna pull a gun on Seal before this movie’s out.

Seal Jr.’s a killer. Shame on you Seal Jr.

I gotta say, Commander David Alan Grier’s kinda creepy.

Rhodesian Leo’s ‘bout to get him some journalist ass.

Dammit Rhodesian Leo, ya had her in the bag and ya blew it.

Bellhop Seal’s gonna see Seal Jr. and have a big hissy fit.

Great “Ahhhh!” by the guy being thrown off a balcony. It was more sarcastic than scared. “Ahhh! I’m being thrown off a balcony! Woe is me!”

They should make an African rebel fighter video game. That shit looks fun.

Wow, Sierra Leonean soldiers suck. They just surrender to rebels like that? They’re like the British.

Aw, the friendly bartender/gundealer was killed. Assholes.

Wait, I thought Seal was like seven feet tall. Must be the same special effects guys who made Harrison Ford step on Jabba’s tail.

Damn, Rhodesian Leo! Fuckin’ those rebels up. He just made up for that “bling-bang” comment from earlier.

“So you’re a…fisherman. What do you catch mostly?”

“Fish.” Well, I guess that’s better than herpes.

Jesus, that’s alotta Africans. That’s like all of Africa in one refugee camp.

Sexy Journalist is using the oldest camera ever.

“People back home wouldn’t buy a ring if they knew it cost someone their hand.” Sure they would, you just gotta believe in people, Sexy Journalist.

Seal Jr.’s gettin’ fucked up.

“I am…baby killer.”

Sierra Leone looks a lot more fun then it used to. Everybody’s swingin’ on ropes, shootin’ up heroin, throwin’ Molotov cocktails.

Haha, monkey!

“Reminds me of my wife.” Sexy Journalist reminds jungle militia leader of his wife? Where do you find a blue-eyed brunette in the African wilderness? I gotta visit the jungles more often.

Mmm, African beer.

Oh yeah. Rhodesian Leo and Sexy Journalist are gonna bang in an African schoolhouse. That’s where I lost my virginity. Good times. Good African times.

“They had a word for me. Mokewa. It means ‘white boy in Africa.’” Well, that’s straight and to the point. Unlike my childhood nickname, Monkey Fingers.

Where’s Colonel The Mummy? I miss him. I wanna see him shoot locusts out of his mouth and save Africa.

Ha, she said ’69.

I’m gonna use that Rhodesian war story some time on a chick. Seems to work.

Aw, kindly teacher gets shot. Child soldiers are dicks. I’m waking up early tomorrow morning and kicking all the child soldiers out of my militia.

Colonel The Mummy! Yay!

“Negative Kilo Foxtrot.” Yeah whatever, Colonel The Mummy.

An African adventure really brings a couple together in a short amount of time. I’ll have to keep that in mind next time I wanna move a relationship along. “Say! Wanna go to Africa?”

The rebels really like Tupac. I wonder if there’s a rival rebel gang that bumps Biggie.

Haha, bushmeat.

C’mon Rhodesian Leo, you’re gonna fight Seal? He’s like eight feet tall!

Seal Jr.’s a dick. That “Kiss From A Rose” song put food on your table, kid. And this is how you repay him?

Yay! The whites and their helicopters save the day!

Ooh, shovel to the face and David Alan Grier is down.

Whoa, primal scream from Seal. That must be off the new album. Looks like he just passed a stone.

Seal’s between a diamond and a hard place now.

You can’t kill Colonel The Mummy. He’s already dead.

Called it! Seal Jr. finally pulled a gun on Seal Sr. do I know the Seals or do I know the Seals? I wrote an essay about them in fifth grade. Them and narwhals.

Jeez, Rhodesian Leo, stop wheezing.

“Take it! Take it!” he said Mexicanly.

Haha, ohh we have fun in Africa.

He didn’t even get to bang Sexy Journalist. Man, Africa’s a bitch.

Somebody’s gonna come across a really gross Rhodesian Leo corpse some day.

This movie just keeps going and going. It could’ve ended about a dozen times now.

And now it’s like that movie Amistad. A boring courtroom drama. Mr. Seal Goes to Washington.

The thing I’ll take away most from this film is all the goddam African drums. I’m gonna go take an aspirin and play with my mom’s jewelry.

Overall: Acting: Rhodesian Leo and Seal were pretty darn good. And Sexy Journalist was a…sexy journalist. Directing: Cool African militia fighting. Writing: “I am…baby killer.” Music: Apart from the hip-hop bumping out of militia trucks, meh.

Years from now, I’m gonna sit my newlywed wife down, show her this film and say “Now you see dear, that’s why I bought you that cubic zirconia ring.” Thank you Seal, thank you oh so very much.