Archangel Vern byEthanBooker
WHUMP!
“Ow! God! Dammit!”
“Oh my gosh, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just fell.”
Archangel Vern gets up off his face, dusts himself down, adjusts his halo and looks up at the wide-eyed good Samaritan.
“Where’d you get that hat?”
“It’s custom-made, excuse me.”
Vern
brushes by the man and begins to wander the streets of
Jesus’ white robes are covered in yellow mustard and Vern is standing before the lord, savior and lamb of God with a Heinz squeeze bottle in his hand. He stares at Jesus for a second before breaking the silence.
“Twat.”
The clouds Vern’s standing on open up below him and he plummets to Earth.
Vern wanders the streets asking people where he is.
“Is this Hell?”
A
stranger continues on. “
Vern grabs a passing woman’s sleeve.
“Is
this Hell?”
She yells ‘Rape!’, maces him
in the eyes and he slams and writhes against the brick wall of an expensive
apartment building until the pain passes.
“You alright there fella?”
An old homeless man in raggedy brown clothes puts an unwashed hand on Vern’s shoulder.
“She gotcha good. First time probably, don’t worry, keep at it. You get maced enough times, you develop an immunity to the stuff.”
Vern brushes the old man’s hand off.
“That’s fascinating.”
“Spare some change?”
“I just fell outta the sky, I don’t have any change.”
Vern continues down the sidewalk and the old man hollers after him.
“Sure you did, that’s the third time I’ve heard that one today. Real original.”
“Hey, where am I, by the way?”
“
“Thanks, asshole.”
Vern enters a slummy apartment complex and finds the landlord wrestling with a turd-filled toilet in a basement apartment.
“Can I live here?”
The landlord pulls his arm, elbow-deep, out of the murky water and towels off.
“You don’t shit, do you?”
Vern becomes concerned and looks down at himself inquisitively.
“I don’t…think so.”
“You got any money?”
“No.”
“Tell ya what, you gimme that floating golden hat for the first month’s rent and we’re even. But you’re gonna have to get a job to keep living here.”
“Deal.”
Vern hands over his halo and the landlord happily tries it on, though it becomes a bit smudged as he has not yet washed his hands.
“Suh weet.”
“And what were you doing before you applied here?”
“I
was an
“Well that’s not a requirement but it’s certainly worth noting. I’ll put that under Other. Are you comfortable working with other people?”
“Only
if they’re not too bossy. Christ was very busy, I had trouble with him.”
“Yeah, I could see that. Can
we contact your previous employer?”
“Probably not.”
“Well that’s all I needed to hear Mr. Equinox. Welcome to the Walmart family. We’ll start you in the customer service department. Equinox, what is that anyway, Greek?”
“No, and you can just call me Vern. Thank you for the opportunity, I really needed the money. I won’t let you down.”
“Alright, just pee in this cup and we’re done.”
Seven years later, ex-Archangel Vern enters the same doors, working the same job, living in the same dingy basement apartment with a poopy toilet. No promotions, not even a hint of advancement or a pay rise.
Finally one day, the bum from Vern’s first day back on Earth wanders in and Vern moves to kick him back out on the street.
“Wait, Vern, it’s me. God.”
Vern nods.
“Right guy, and I’m Allah. Now move it, honcho.”
“You don’t believe me. Who was the man who gave you your halo back after you wagered it so recklessly on the Eagles a couple Super Bowls ago?”
Vern is taken aback.
“You could’ve…heard about…that.”
“Remember that first day I sent you back down here and confronted you in this guise? That was a test to see if you had any compassion left, Vern. When it was apparent you did not, I let you go on your way.”
Vern takes God outside to continue the odd conversation that was raising eyebrows inside (plus the God bum stinks).
“You were asking for money I didn’t have, Boss.”
“You didn’t check. When I left you to plummet I stuck a shiny new wheat penny in your robes.”
Vern nods with this profound realization.
“That’s why my dryer’s broken, dammit God!”
“If you had just given me that penny, I would’ve forgiven you right then and there.”
“What’s a penny gonna do? How could that’ve helped?”
“Well
it’s the thought that counts.”
“What could you possibly have
bought with a penny?”
“Lots of things, maybe a gumball. Maybe I was a penny short of a dollar, could’ve gone to the dollar store.”
“Well, dollar stores tax though.”
“Fine, so maybe I was a penny short of a dollar-six. What do you want from me?”
“I dunno, you don’t look like the kind of vagrant that would be walking around with a dollar-five. Maybe you should’ve taken it back a notch with the costume. You look like a crack junkie and you smell like Hell.”
“‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses—”
“Yeah, I’ve seen the statue.”
“Well, who do you think wrote it?”
“The French?”
“Well,
I helped. Look, I’ve gotta go, there’s a famine in
“What? I’m not coming? I thought that’s what this was all about!”
“Oh no, I just came down here for some pussy. Who should I take the form of? Clooney or Pitt? ‘Course Topher Grace is really hot right now, according to E!. But he’s too wiry, I need somebody with some muscle.”
“Please God, take me with you.”
“Naw, Jesus is my wingman tonight. That kid’ll fuck anything! Haha! Anyway, we’re headed to the Bellagio, gotta catch the redeye. You hang in there, Vinny.”
“It’s Vern.”
“Sure
it is, hey where’s your halo?”