The Appalachian Militia

(Millie & Royce are leaning against a broken-down pick-up truck in Royce’s front yard. Appalachian Militia members and family members are wandering the compound around them, deep in the mountains..)

Millie: But, I’m your cousin’s sister!

Royce: That just makes you my sister-cousin. Please, I know dogs that are more related than we are!

Millie: …

Royce: No, seriously. Petey over there is my grandfather. Our grandfather, I guess I should say. Well, actually, I think he’s your uncle too…’cause he fucked your mom and then..—Abner! What have I told you about walkin’ around with that bazooka!

Abner: (shrugs)

Royce: I’ve told you it looks bad-ass! Now lemme see that thing! I’m-a shoot me a cantaloupe!

Abner: What cantaloupe?

Millie: He means antelope. It’s a deer, you moran!

Royce: (lining up the bazooka on a deer a hundred yards away..) Here, cant-alanta-lanta-loupe! BOOM! (Royce falls forward as the missile flies behind him..) Ah crap, it was backwards. I thought the arrow meant it was this way.

(An outhouse behind them blows up..)

Abner: Ooh, I hope that wasn’t occupied..

(The dust settles and all that’s left is the toilet and a pair of shins with sneakers..)

Royce: Uh oh.

Abner: Who was it?

Royce: Go check the shoe soles. Probably wrote his name on the bottoms..

(Abner runs over and checks the soles..)

Abner: It was Melvin!

Royce: My br-brother Melvin? Oh God. Oh sweet fancy God! Not you Melvin! (Royce sprints over to the outhouse remains, drops to his knees and holds the dismembered shins in his arms..) Melvinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!

Melvin: (emerging from the house, barefoot) Anybody seen my shoes?

Royce: (drops the shins, puts his hands on his hips) Oh, Melvin!

(Melvin shrugs and everyone shares a hearty laugh…except for the dead guy with no shins..)